#518 | Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The truth gets louder when silence stops working. In this episode, we unpack the psychology of the “should I stay or should I go?” spiral and why indecision is often less about confusion and more about self-trust, fear, and emotional safety.

Whether it’s a relationship, job, family dynamic, or life decision, the inner tug-of-war can become exhausting when part of you knows the truth and another part is still trying to negotiate with it. We explore cognitive dissonance, emotional rationalization, boundaries, values-based decision making, and the hidden cost of staying stuck too long.

Here's a related episode that builds on today’s conversation:
#424 | Is It Really Better to Be In a Bad Relationship Than to Be Lonely? - https://apple.co/4np5JOi

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Show notes:
(4:26) Holding two truths without self-abandoning
(6:43) When fear turns clarity into negotiation
(9:44) Why outside opinions can blur your answer
(12:03) Derek thanks Emilia and Bianca for his phenomenal experience as a member of the Evolve Ventures team.
(12:48) When your parts resist the truth
(18:02) Choosing friction over familiar safety
(19:39) Letting values guide the decision
(23:12) Seeing the choice without your history
(26:09) Outro

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(Stay tuned for this coming Monday’s episode!)

Transcript

Bianca Thomas

(0:00) I think the question ultimately becomes hard to answer because we don't trust ourselves. (0:07) If we trusted ourselves, it would be a lot easier to be like, yes, this is the right thing that I should do.

Emilia Smith

(0:13) Yeah, but if you're asking, that uncertainty is in fact the answer.

Bianca Thomas

(0:19) Most of us are looking for hope, answers to the madness, certainty that we'll be okay and someone safe to help guide us through the most challenging parts of our lives. (0:30) In a world that's changing and evolving every single day where chaos, uncertainty, and cycles we never chose wreak havoc on our lives, it's easy to feel lost, hopeless, and scared of what the future will hold.

Emilia Smith

(0:46) Evolve Ventures is here to provide that hope, direction, and data-driven strategies to growth-minded human beings just like you every Monday and Thursdays, where each new episode is filled with vulnerable stories, interesting lessons, and simple tools you can use that will help you evolve into the person you were always meant to be.

Bianca Thomas

(1:07) My name is Emilia. (1:08) And I'm Bianca.

Emilia Smith

(1:09) And as the co-founders of Evolve Ventures, we are so grateful to be a part of your evolution. (1:15) Let's get into it.

Bianca Thomas

(1:16) Hey, everybody.

Emilia Smith

(1:17) It's Bianca. (1:18) Welcome back, Evolvers. (1:20) It's Emilia for episode 518, Should I Stay or Should I Go?(1:26) This is an episode for all those who have that song playing in their head. (1:34) Should I stay or should I go now? (1:36) This is the constant back and forth tug of war internally that you are likely experiencing.(1:42) If you are experiencing this today, Bianca and I are going to dig a little bit deeper into some of the psychology of the tug of war of staying in a job, a relationship, a situation, or up and leaving. (1:55) So join us in today's episode, and we plan on delivering that. (2:00) Bianca, where was this episode inspired by?(2:02) Because I know that as practitioners, you and I see so many people that are constantly in what we refer to that inner conflict of whether it's a job that they're wanting to go for, or whether it's a relationship that they want to stay in or are contemplating. (2:20) And pull us behind the scenes of maybe some of the different voices that we have at the Evolve community, obviously keeping them anonymous. (2:29) But what inspired this specific episode for us today?

Bianca Thomas

(2:34) Ma'am, you just asked the question and then answered the question in the question. (2:39) Well, I want to double check, you know, discount double check, baby. (2:42) Let's go.(2:46) You and I have had endless conversations with clients, people in the community, our own experiences, my own experiences, I won't speak for you, my own experiences of being in a situation and sincerely trying to figure out what is the right move here.

Emilia Smith

(3:12) Yeah.

Bianca Thomas

(3:12) Do I stay? (3:14) What reasons should I stay? (3:17) What is the harm that's being done to me here?(3:19) Should I go? (3:21) What does it mean about me if I go? (3:23) If I leave, does it mean that I'm weak, that I'm broken, that I didn't try hard enough?(3:28) All of the different, like I said, it's kind of like Russian roulette of parts of like referring to IFS. (3:38) It's like, which part wants to chime in and which one is going to like derail us. (3:45) So I have had, especially in the last month, I've had a lot of conversations with different clients, whether it was jobs, relationships, family dynamics, whatever.(4:03) That's pretty much it. (4:04) I mean, basically of what they should do because they got a ping that they should leave, but then they don't trust the ping and now they're gaslighting themselves to oblivion of what the right answer is. (4:24) So that is where this came from.

Emilia Smith

(4:26) Love it. (4:27) And to that end, one of the things that we want to share, there's this big I think that we don't recognize how much we tend to hold two conflicting ideas at the same time and the discomfort that comes up. (4:44) So for example, if you are in an intimate relationship that is meeting basic needs, that's enough, quote unquote, for someone, depending on who you are and where your levels of self-worth are and where your levels of denial or delusion or romanticizing the future could be.(5:02) You hold that while also struggling to hold that it's not just basic needs that need to be met in a relationship. (5:12) It's not just that. (5:13) Again, you kind of get what you settle for, for lack of better words.(5:17) That holding reality of, well, this person does meet my good morning text needs, but they don't necessarily meet the core fundamental needs that I have, which is why I want a relationship in the first place. (5:32) And I'm trying to give to this relationship in the first place, holding that conflict of the duality of two things can be true at the same time. (5:41) It just brings us discomfort.(5:43) Or I am in a job that is, quote unquote, paying the bills, but yet I am deeply unfulfilled. (5:50) Right. (5:50) And so that inner conflict, that inner civil war, or I love my family and they're assholes.(5:57) There's pretty much these two conflicts and most people experience these conflicts. (6:03) And because of the discomfort of holding two things true at the same time, it tends to lead to emotional rationalization or rather the stories that we tell ourselves to stay or to jump ship or to react or to do something that more often than not, we kind of look back with a little tinge of regret. (6:26) And so that cognitive dissonance of what we ultimately experience while wanting to believe something is true versus the reality kind of slapping us in the face.(6:36) I'm thinking of that intimate relationship example because I've been there. (6:40) It's for so many of us. (6:43) It's not necessarily that we don't necessarily know what our truth is.(6:51) I found, and this is where I want us to banter a little bit. (6:55) I found that a lot of the time it is fear of making a decision and the rest becomes negotiation. (7:02) Meaning you fear making a decision within that duality and the rest you're just negotiating as to why it's the best version or best choice for you.(7:11) So in an intimate relationship setting, for example, should I stay or should I go now? (7:16) I remember being in a relationship where and I'm sharing personal experience and also thinking about all the clients that I've heard in this scenario. (7:24) It's so common and it's so difficult.(7:27) It's so difficult because you know there's a fear of like, shoot, well, if I actually do make a decision, what I know is that my basic needs aren't being met. (7:36) And what I know is that this partner, they're good. (7:39) But I also know that I am not really interested in just having a good or decent relationship.(7:48) Like I'm willing to put in more effort and I really want that to be reciprocated and I am willing to kind of trade off good for great. (7:59) And that's a really scary decision point to make because underneath that there's so many unknowns. (8:06) And so underneath that is fear.(8:08) Fear of making a decision. (8:10) And so what we do, we negotiate with ourselves so that we don't make a decision or we in that not making a decision. (8:17) Ironically, we do, which is staying.(8:19) And then we're negotiating with ourselves why we're staying, which is where the emotional rationalization stories come in. (8:26) Like, oh, well, they're a really great guy. (8:29) Oh, this person's really wonderful.(8:30) I think the way in which she responds to me after work is really great. (8:35) She's so sweet like this and that. (8:37) All of that is just the halo bias coming in.(8:40) You just see the good in the situation. (8:42) You're not willing to hold the duality and. (8:47) Hold very candid the truth of both things, so.

Bianca Thomas

(8:52) I don't think it's necessarily that people are content. (8:55) I mean, I know this was the circumstance for you, but from what I from what I've heard and from what I've experienced, we're not sitting there thinking, well, this isn't good. (9:06) I want great, but doing that is uncomfortable.(9:11) It's like. (9:12) This is not good. (9:15) I don't believe that I can get better.(9:17) So I'm going to delude myself into believing that this is enough because it must actually be that there's something wrong with me.

Emilia Smith

(9:25) Right.

Bianca Thomas

(9:26) And if I make the quote unquote wrong decision, then it's going to be proven that there's something wrong with me.

Emilia Smith

(9:33) Fair. (9:34) Yeah, fair. (9:34) I have a client that's coming to mind that I met with last week, and that was definitely the situation for him in an intimate relationship setting.(9:44) And while we're just kind of on the topic of intimate relationships, I think that what is here, be it intimate relationships or any other dynamic that you're kind of in a conflict, a tussle, a tiffy, right? (9:56) And you're finding yourself reaching out for so many other people's opinions about the matter. (10:01) Or, you know, I was always told by people who I looked up to that were the quote unquote leaders when I was younger is like you always get multiple people's opinions when it's a really big decision.(10:13) And I think that there it's well, to some degree, I can agree with that. (10:19) The other challenge with that is if you find yourself always seeking external opinions for a big decision for you, what does that actually tell me? (10:27) What that tells me, and I this all the time with my clients, is that you do not have a sufficient level of self-trust built up to where you've made the decision.(10:40) You're simply reaching out for input. (10:44) And that input isn't going to sway what you've already decided, but rather it's there to help you see different angles to what where I've kind of gotten to now, which is verify that not verification from there, their point of view, but really understanding that I have done my due diligence to look at the situation three sixty five degree. (11:05) I have kind of contemplated what are the pros and cons of a decision or on the contrary, not making a decision.(11:13) And I find with individuals that Bianca, I find so many people will go with the stay or go situations. (11:22) They'll look to the wrong people initially to help influence their decision making point instead of actually going to someone who makes better decisions, bar none than them, for example, a therapist or a coach. (11:35) And they'll get all their friends input, which, by the way, is literally biased.(11:41) And then they'll go to family, maybe, or they won't. (11:44) Like it's just it's a whole hairy situation because we make it a hairy situation. (11:49) We don't learn the skill sets to develop our own levels of self-trust, effective decision making and upgrading our thinking to where we're not internalizing things like that.(12:01) What have you found when they think about that?

Derek Smith

(12:03) Well, everybody, my name is Derek Smith. (12:06) I just wanted to come on here and talk about my time at Evolve and being a team member. (12:10) It's been nothing short of phenomenal.(12:13) And I don't say that as somebody just trying to pipe up the team or the business or anything like that. (12:20) No, it's it's genuine. (12:22) And genuinely, I've never been a part of such a group, had people that were so invested in me being able to keep me accountable and like pushing and really just supporting me for my own growth.(12:34) And the amount of things that I've been able to learn about and just being a part of this community all under the guidance of Bianca and Amelia. (12:42) For me, that's just been phenomenal. (12:44) So thank you, Amelia.(12:45) Thank you, Bianca. (12:46) You guys rock.

Bianca Thomas

(12:48) And when they do finally go to their therapist or a trusted mentor or coach or someone like that, they don't want to hear what the person is saying. (12:59) So they keep letting themselves be diluted by whatever the narrative is that is maintaining their decision to stay or go or the back and forth between ruminating on should I stay? (13:12) Should I go?(13:12) Should I stay? (13:13) Should I go? (13:14) Like I have a client that I'm thinking of.(13:16) And every time I'm like checking with true self, what does true self say? (13:23) It's like nice. (13:26) True self says this, but my parts don't want me to yet.(13:30) And I'm like, OK, so you know what to do. (13:33) You know the real answer. (13:35) I've told you the answer a thousand times.(13:38) You just don't want to hear it yet. (13:41) That's a different conversation. (13:43) This isn't about should I stay or should I go?(13:45) This is your parts do not trust you to make a decision. (13:49) But the challenge with that is the longer you stay in this situation, the more your parts are not going to trust you. (13:56) Facts.(13:57) It's such a conundrum, isn't it?

Emilia Smith

(14:00) It's so fun. (14:02) Wait a second. (14:02) You don't realize that the more that you play that it's like a CD, play the automatic thought record of like, well, I'm just not ready yet.(14:11) Like you're literally telling yourself that you are disabled to make a decision that is in alignment with your values, who you aspire to be, what you desire to have in your world, even though that that's very clear to you. (14:25) And if it isn't, what's even more clear is what you don't want, what you don't need, what you're not interested in. (14:32) And you're literally handicapping yourself, for lack of better words, because you don't believe in your ability to make a decision or make a decision and get out the other end alive, for lack of better words.(14:43) And that distrust that you are unintentionally seething or sowing into your nervous system, into your unconscious, has severe consequences. (14:57) I just did a video about this Bianca. (14:58) I talked about boundaries recently.(15:01) And whenever you don't establish, like this is a great example, whenever you're not establishing a boundary, but yet you know your truth, you are literally voting for yourself to be walked on. (15:13) You're voting for yourself to be a doormat to the world's people, your relationships, etc. (15:18) But how do you establish a boundary if you don't have clarity or if you're not having the courage or bravery to clarify what is important to you?(15:27) What is of value to you? (15:28) And for many people, to what you said earlier, it might be of value, but you just might have this part that's justifying, well, no, this. (15:39) Well, no, I don't trust myself to make these decisions.(15:41) Well, every time, right, it hyper fixates on the one time you made a bad decision or an unhelpful decision without considering all the poor influences that literally helped to influence decision making, instead of looking at the 99 decisions that you've made and improved since then. (16:00) It is so brutal. (16:01) And I know you're giggling because I know you and I have both talked about this.

Bianca Thomas

(16:05) I've never once done that. (16:07) I don't know what the hell you're talking about. (16:09) I am perfect when it comes to that.(16:13) So no, it's brutal. (16:16) It's brutal because your parts are designed to let the way that your parts have been developed up to that point. (16:27) They are now designed to keep you in the narrative, in the belief, in the headspace, in the in the thinking pattern, in the identity that there's something wrong with you.(16:39) So the 99 times that you did something great, it doesn't matter because that one time that you did the wrong thing is all the proof that your parts needed. (16:49) Because what happens is our cognitive bias sets in and every single experience of belief that would disconfirm that, it just gets pinged off. (17:03) It's like there's a glass dome around you.(17:06) It's like a bulletproof dome around you. (17:11) And any evidence that's against what you currently believe, it's just like bing, bing, bing, and it just gets pinged off of it. (17:20) The challenge is forcing yourself to actually take in the evidence and believe that it's true.(17:28) And that's hard. (17:31) And we will kind of do that, which is why we get the inkling of like, oh, I think I need to eat, which whichever one it is. (17:40) I think I need to stay because it's easier for me to leave or I think I need to go, but it's easier for me to stay because it continues the narrative, whatever it is for you.(17:51) What are the beliefs that make it convenient to stick with what you want to jump to and what you want to do?

Emilia Smith

(18:02) I like the word convenient because convenience really highlights how much our brain is going to want to go to what is least resistance, meaning what's going to have the least friction to what is what you're doing now. (18:20) And that resistance is ironically for a lot of people, and this might not be you, but for a lot of people, that resistance, your brain is going to choose to not have that friction because that change is uncertain. (18:34) And what is uncertain is unfamiliar.(18:36) And what's unfamiliar, most likely or not in your nervous system, is being perceived as dangerous or a threat or something that's going to make horrible things happen. (18:46) And it's so unconscious. (18:48) But what if you were to move towards that friction?(18:52) What if, like I said at the very beginning, if your indecision is actually the signal that you already have clarity, you just simply haven't given yourself the cognitive space, the emotional space, the psychological space, the somatic space to let your truth actually come out and feel safe? (19:16) I already know what my values are. (19:21) I already know what those are.(19:23) Okay, if we were to reframe this a little bit, and you're in that situation right now, let's say, and you're putting pressure on yourself to make the most optimal or helpful, constructive, short or long-term decision. (19:39) Number one, I think if you have an underdeveloped sense of self, then I would encourage you to actually move this decider into your values. (19:52) So instead of having this, quote unquote, like you making the decision, what I found to be extremely helpful for myself and many clients is like evaluate this decision standpoint from the lens of your values.(20:05) So for example, if you are someone who values integrity, let's say, such a beautiful word, and because you value integrity, you would ask yourself instead, what do I believe is the best decision? (20:23) You would instead ask, what would integrity do? (20:29) What would the highest level of integrity look like?(20:34) And so it kind of depressurizes it from the self having to make that decision and kind of uses that triangulation in a positive, constructive manner to where the captain of the ship isn't you, it's the values that you have. (20:48) Now, I'll put a caveat here. (20:51) Some people might say, and this is like pinging off, so I have to client right now who is quite literally in a relationship that is not at all constructive for her at all.(21:01) If I could wave a magic wand and have them not be together and have her know that they're going to be great, I would because it's so obvious that she should not be in this relationship. (21:16) So one of her values is empathy. (21:21) Whoa.(21:23) If her value is empathy, it's so easy for some of her fear-based parts to say, okay, I'm going to take what you said, move the decision point from the sense of self and move it to my values. (21:37) Well, I'm an empathetic person. (21:39) So the most highest version of empathy is to wait by that person's side and to make sure that they get therapy and to do what I can to make sure that they have everything that they need.(21:51) No, no, no. (21:52) That's where, again, if you were to take this at face value but not have someone who is in your corner that can customize this to you and call out the blind spots, the cognitive distortions, and the emotional rationalization, which is what that is, that's not actually having your values decide for you. (22:09) That's you in a fear-based state emotionally rationalizing because you're fearful while in the cloak and the guise of having your values decide for you.(22:20) Because the truth of the matter, this is where a therapist will call you forward in a loving, graceful standpoint or coachable, is say, okay, that might be true to some degree, but are you coming from a place of fear? (22:33) And that narrative would still be true if fear wasn't here. (22:38) And then it's like, whoa, if I didn't have fear, then the values making this decision would have a very different standpoint.(22:47) You would really see that the most empathetic thing you can do is shift away from that partner and look at your children as the place to place your empathy.

Emilia Smith

(23:01) Right?

Emilia Smith

(23:02) So it's a whole thing. (23:04) And honestly, it's really challenging. (23:06) And there's so many opportunities for us to go, quote unquote, wrong in this.(23:12) But I think that there's also so many opportunities for things to go right. (23:16) And I think if it's a self-image type conflict or a values to action conflict, or for example, a decision struggle conflict, determine what the conflict is internally on this day, or should I go? (23:31) And look at this from a standpoint of what someone would, if they were in your shoes, but didn't have the history that you are carrying with you into this decision making point.

Bianca Thomas

(23:44) It's an extremely beautiful way of framing that. (23:47) And I think it's really hard for people to view it that way, because we have all of our own biases, our history in it, being able to see it outside of that perspective is insanely helpful. (24:02) We need to wrap this episode up.(24:04) We both have clients that we need to get to. (24:07) If this is something that you have been struggling with, you struggle trusting yourself, you struggle believing that you know what the right thing to do is, or you're in a situation that you want guidance in, send us a DM, evolve with Emilia or evolve with Bianca. (24:25) Send us a DM.(24:26) We would love to help you with this. (24:29) Our episode suggestion, if you liked this episode is 424. (24:34) Is it really better to be in a bad relationship than to be lonely?(24:41) And by the time that this episode is coming out, it is July 2nd, which means we are a few weeks away from the launch of the fourth round of group coaching. (24:56) We hope you join us for that. (24:59) We have had so many people.(25:01) We've graduated 18 people. (25:05) No, this is four. (25:07) Almost 40 people, 30 people.(25:10) I can't do math at this point. (25:14) This is why I went into psychology and not math, you know? (25:23) Brutal.(25:24) We have graduated almost 30 people at this point who all have said that this group was transformational for them. (25:33) They felt more secure than they ever have, more confident, more capable, more sure and trusting of themselves. (25:42) So if that is something that you are interested in, send us a DM.(25:45) We probably only have a couple of spots open left at this point, if any at all. (25:49) If the registration is closed, then we will onboard you for the next round.

Emilia Smith

(25:57) We're exciting. (25:58) And if you don't get in this one, we only do it once a year. (26:03) So make sure you don't miss out because you'll have to wait until next year for that to come through.(26:08) So thank you as always for listening and for your continued interest in the holistic science of mental health and wellbeing. (26:17) Keep evolving everyone. (26:24) We know firsthand how important it is to have a safe space with people who support and celebrate your evolution.(26:31) That's why we created our free live virtual event called Out of the Mud that we host the last Wednesday of every single month, 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (26:40) So that while you venture into new territories of your growth, you can get in a room with others who are too. (26:47) Extraordinary topics with evolved people.(26:50) That's what this event is all about. (26:53) What's great too is that you don't even need to have your camera or mic on. (26:56) You can just listen in.(26:57) Click the link in the show notes to register for the next topic to kickstart your growth.

Bianca Thomas

(27:02) Be on the lookout for our IG Lives that we host every Friday at 1230 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (27:10) This is a place where you can connect with us live and in a fun, lighthearted way. (27:14) We are also in the process of rolling out group coaching and online courses, and these are sure to help you evolve into a greater version of yourself.

Emilia Smith

(27:24) If this episode resonated with you or you heard something you know will help you evolve, please share it with someone you love and care about, team members across the world, or someone who you believe deeply could benefit from joining this discussion.

Bianca Thomas

(27:38) This content is intended for information purposes only. (27:42) It is not a substitute for professional counseling or psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment, and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. (27:53) Names and identifiable personal details mentioned in respective podcast episodes and stories may have been changed to protect personal privacy and identity.