#515 | Why You Keep Seeking Cheap Thrills

The numb life still makes noise. In today’s episode, we get into cheap thrills, emotional emptiness, and the quiet ways people try to escape a life they barely feel present in. Scrolling, smoking, chasing comfort, planning the next distraction, and reaching for fast dopamine are not always the real problem. Most of the time, they are the signal.

We look at what sits underneath escape patterns, why pretending everything is fine can become its own kind of trap, and how “being the rock” can quietly turn into a polished way to avoid what hurts. If your comfort habits have started feeling less like rest and more like running, this one may hit closer than expected.

Here’s a related episode that builds on today’s conversation:
#496 | The Myth of An "Easy Life" - https://apple.co/4xD29ph

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Show notes:
(2:37) Behind the mask of people's lives
(4:39) When escape becomes the only reward
(8:38) The polished mask of modern life
(10:05) Flight response and dissociative patterns
(13:19) What are you running from
(14:58) The identity trap of being the rock
(18:32) When comfort reveals deeper emptiness
(20:34) Outro

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(Stay tuned for this coming Thursday’s episode!)

Transcript

Bianca Thomas

(0:00) We are more addicted to cheap thrills and bullshit and toxicity than we have probably ever been before. (0:11) And a lot of us think it's because we're just getting worse as human beings. (0:16) It's because we're just lazier.(0:18) We're just incompetent. (0:20) We're just getting worse as humans. (0:25) I strongly disagree.(0:28) I think what's really going on and what we are going to be diving into is the fact that we are more empty, we feel more hollow, and we feel more unhappy and unfulfilled with our lives than we've ever been. (0:45) And that is why we are seeking the cheap thrills.

Emilia Smith

(0:49) And if your life is feeling that emptiness, that hollowness, maybe that aloneness that is so pervasive, your tendency to seek cheap thrills is likely much higher than those around you. (1:05) The implications of such will show.

Bianca Thomas

(1:09) Most of us are looking for hope, answers to the madness, certainty that we'll be okay, and someone safe to help guide us through the most challenging parts of our lives. (1:20) In a world that's changing and evolving every single day, where chaos, uncertainty, and cycles we never chose wreak havoc on our lives, it's easy to feel lost, hopeless, and scared of what the future will hold.

Emilia Smith

(1:36) Evolve Ventures is here to provide that hope, direction, and data-driven strategies to growth-minded human beings just like you every Monday and Thursdays, where each new episode is filled with vulnerable stories, interesting lessons, and simple tools you can use that will help you evolve into the person you were always meant to be. (1:57) My name's Emilia. (1:59) And I'm Bianca.(2:00) And as the co-founders of Evolve Ventures, we are so grateful to be a part of your evolution. (2:05) Let's get into it. (2:07) Hey, everybody.(2:07) It's Bianca. (2:09) Welcome back, Evolvers. (2:10) It's Amelia for episode 515, Why You Keep Seeking Cheap Thrills.(2:16) Bianca, talk to us about this. (2:19) What have we got today? (2:20) We're recording Friday, and it's going to be launching like a month later.(2:26) Two months later. (2:27) Two months later, almost. (2:28) So happy Friday, Evolvers.(2:31) Whenever you hear this, let it be a Friday for you.

Bianca Thomas

(2:37) It's really cool that you and I get to see the real behind the scenes of people's lives, because we get a sneak peek into the realities of the world in a way that almost nobody else does, because nobody actually talks about the realities of what's going on. (3:03) And it's a blessing and a curse, right? (3:06) Because it's like, I want to believe that the world is all sunshine and rainbows and fairy tales, and that no, I really just am messed up or whatever, because it'd be easier to believe that.(3:19) But then you see the realities, and it's like, oh, you mean you get hit in the face with the realities?

Emilia Smith

(3:29) Oh, yeah. (3:31) No, please don't.

Bianca Thomas

(3:33) You see the realities of the world, and it's like, oh, nothing that I thought was true. (3:41) Oh, okay, cool. (3:42) So blessing and a curse for sure.(3:46) But you and I have so many clients that we work with here at Evolve, and one of them, he's been so vulnerable with me as of late. (3:56) We've been working together for a couple of years, and he's really doing everything that he can to be as humble, vulnerable, and courageous as possible. (4:10) And those are obviously always the best, because it's like, oh, we can get into stuff, like I can actually help you.(4:20) So the longer we've been working together, the more that he's been opening up. (4:24) And as of lately, he's been really, I've known this, but he's finally ready to admit how unhappy he is, how miserable he is, how much he just is not happy with his life. (4:39) And he admitted that after a conversation that he and I had where he's saying basically, I cannot stop smoking weed.(4:52) Smoking weed at the end of the night is the only thing that I have to look forward to. (5:00) He goes, I'm literally fantasizing all day about finally getting to go lay on the couch and just dissociate from my life. (5:11) And my heart broke for him.(5:17) And I have so many other clients who are doing very similar things. (5:21) It might not be weed or marijuana, but it's TikTok. (5:25) It's going on that next trip or that next vacation.(5:29) It's whatever the immediate gratification thing is. (5:35) And when I was diving in with this client and when he and I were having this conversation, again, I've been doing this for a while. (5:44) I'm at almost 7,500 therapy sessions at this point.(5:49) Crazy. (5:50) So you start to see patterns, right? (5:53) You start to see tendencies, you see patterns, you see things just repeat over and over again.(6:00) So I was very blunt with him. (6:03) And as kind as I could be, as respectful as I could be, I said, I'm going to name him John. (6:09) I said, John, can I ask you a question?(6:12) He's like, I'm like, no, no, no, really. (6:14) I'm about to ask you a very upfront blunt question. (6:17) You absolutely can say no.(6:20) Please tell me no if you're not okay with it. (6:22) Can I ask you this? (6:23) And he goes, yeah, yeah.(6:28) No, like he genuinely wanted me to ask him. (6:31) And I said, are you miserable? (6:36) And he was like, I hate my life.(6:41) I hate my life so much. (6:43) It's not even funny.

Emilia Smith

(6:45) Mm hmm.

Bianca Thomas

(6:46) So we started unpacking it. (6:47) I'm not going to dive into the details, but that is the case for so many people, people who are wealthy and make it seem like they're living it up. (7:01) People who seem like they have these booming active social lives, people who are in 17 different clubs and activities and sports and so on and so forth.(7:11) People who make it seem as though their life is booming and flourishing. (7:18) The truth that you and I see behind the scenes every single day is that none of them are fulfilled. (7:28) Yeah.(7:28) None of them have a deep sense of meaning or purpose for their lives. (7:33) Most of them have insane regret and shame that they are running away from. (7:44) And they're basically running away from their lives.(7:53) This isn't an issue of whether people are getting worse with regard to addiction and laziness and whatever, although that is true. (8:07) We're getting lazier by far. (8:10) But what we are talking about right now is the fact that we are numbing out more than we ever have because less and less and less of us feel as though we matter, that our lives have any semblance of purpose.(8:31) And we just feel so unbelievably empty.

Emilia Smith

(8:38) I want to name something in this because (8:41) I, number one, really appreciate how you frame this because I also think that it's such a (8:46) privilege to see the behind the scenes of people's lives, especially considering the world that we (8:52) live in right now, where if you were to see any front facing of someone's lives, their front (8:57) facing portrayal, their social media, their LinkedIn, anything, it's always like just smiles (9:03) and smiles and like faces as if there's this static one high arousal, high valence, meaning (9:14) pleasant experience just all the time. (9:17) And it's pretty much become this digital medium where everyone's social media is this poster child of all the cheap thrills that they end up having, except for the ones that they have shame around. (9:30) So like, for example, that client would likely never take a photo of him relaxing on the couch, chilling with his TV screen or whatever, him smoking weed and post that on the Internet.(9:41) But yet that's the reality that many, many people are experiencing those moments of cheap thrills that consistently are behind the scenes, just dissociative. (9:52) And to a client that popped in mind when you were telling the story, like, can't wait to go finalize the day to go scroll on TikTok. (10:00) Like, that is so alarming and so sad and absolutely devastating.(10:05) And the thing that I want to name in this is that what we're seeing is this pervasive flight response. (10:12) So the stress response, the trauma response is fight, flight, freeze, fun, tend and befriend, right? (10:19) There's now coming out with like little nuances, freeze and collapse.(10:23) But the key one that I want to name in these patterns that we're seeing is the flight into a dissociative straight, dissociative land, meaning as fast as you can get there, get there. (10:40) Anything that's going to help you get on your way there, mind prepped, et cetera, per the fantasizing, focusing all your attention. (10:48) I think that that's the anticipatory circuit.(10:51) And I think that that can be really helpful and be leveraged for our benefit. (10:55) But unfortunately, we're flighting into these things that put us in this (11:05) cathartic state that doesn't allow us to really engage, relax or navigate the development that is (11:12) absolutely necessary for developing distress tolerance skills, because we're just trying (11:17) to get through the life that we hate to a moment that is quick, cheap dopamine that doesn't actually (11:25) set up the next 24 hours for success, support and actual like wholehearted living.(11:33) And that's the concern that I'm seeing. (11:35) The flight patterns into these things that do not build the human instead help them rot away. (11:43) And that just it's a big concern.(11:45) Honestly, it's a really big concern. (11:46) So I'm glad that you're naming that. (11:48) And I'm glad that that client, just in contrast for anyone listening to this, the clients that are humble, courageous and vulnerable, those are the ones that actually do have more progress than any other clients, bar none.(12:00) If you're arrogant, if you let fear take over and if you're ignorant or apathetic or pretend or have a huge ego on you and you experience these flight patterns and you get in front of a therapist like you're not going to get far. (12:13) And that's just the contrast that I want to pull in there. (12:16) So, Bianca, like as we name this, what is something as we kind of turn towards the tunnel of this episode, what do you think is important for our listeners to understand or do to deepen their why, their specific why they keep seeking cheap thrills?(12:39) And what do they do about that, if anything?

Bianca Thomas

(12:43) Have you ever found yourself wishing that you could find other growth minded people like feeling stuck and alone because the people around you aren't on the same path as you? (12:53) We have been there and this is why we created Out of the Mud. (12:57) It's a free live virtual event hosted the last Wednesday of every single month.(13:04) This event is a safe space to hear new ideas, take away simple, tangible tools and connect with other people just like you without the pressure of needing to engage, turn on your camera or worry about judgment. (13:19) You have to get so dead clear on what it is that you're running away from. (13:26) Oh, and that is fucking brutal.(13:32) Pardon my language, but it fucking sucks. (13:36) I'm so upfront with clients when it comes to this stuff. (13:40) And I'll be like, listen, this is going to be absolutely terrible.(13:45) I'm not one to sugarcoat because in my own therapy and in my own coaching, like I want you to be straight with me. (13:56) So I'm going to try my best to do that for you. (13:59) Okay.(14:00) This is going to suck. (14:03) It's going to bring up everything that you don't want to face. (14:07) You're going to want to run away from this.(14:09) You're going to want to keep running away from this. (14:12) And I promise you, if you let yourself stay in it, if you let yourself stay in it, we will overcome it. (14:21) There is an other side to this.(14:24) So number one, bar none, you have to get to the point where you are dead clear on what it is that you are numbing out and running away from. (14:41) Because until you identify what it is that's leading you to escape, you'll never stop escaping. (14:50) You'll never stop numbing.(14:51) You'll never stop dissociating. (14:53) Because why would you? (14:54) You're running away from it.

Emilia Smith

(14:58) I want to add something here. (14:59) A lot of what I've seen, and you and I have both seen because we've had conversations, there's a lot of identity that's being created by, in particular, I will name what we've seen in the data, men, creating this badge of honor that they're stoic, that they are the anchor, that they are the quote-unquote rock of their families, of their social lives, of all the people that surround them. (15:29) And that is the quote-unquote badge of honor that they wear, which is a narrative and identity that allows them to continuously run away from absolutely everything.(15:39) So I want to name that because Bianca, if we're not naming that, they're going to go try to do what you just said. (15:46) But yet, their identity of whatever it is in that element, it will actually prevent them from seeing how important it is for them to do the work because in their own consciousness, they're not running away from anything. (16:03) They're not running away.(16:04) So why I want to share that is because you asking that humble, courageous, vulnerable client, you know, can I ask you a question and asking, are you miserable directly? (16:16) He has built up the trust and safety with you to let down that guard, let down that shield, right? (16:21) So people on their own accord, if you don't have someone in your corner, letting you do that in a safe space that is a professional, you're likely not going to put down that guard so that you can navigate what Bianca just said.(16:34) And if you're struggling with please reach out like the help that you need is on the other side of a courageous DM. (16:43) Seriously, like that. (16:44) And I just have to name that because I'm seeing far too many men that are really struggling with this, but yet don't know how to actually take an action to let that guard down so that they can actually approach some of the deeper inner shit that they need to, but are terrified to do so.(17:02) And the men that we see that can do that, like they're the knight in shining armor, ironically, that allows them to build actual, whatever it is that they want.

Bianca Thomas

(17:14) For the listeners, the reason I'm laughing when Amelia is saying all of that is because there was someone in my personal life that said that verbatim and I told Amelia about it. (17:29) And this man is an absolute mess of a human being, but did a really good job convincing himself and others that he is very well grounded and developed. (17:44) And it's just heartbreaking.(17:47) It really is because those men suffer long term so much. (17:55) So we can all keep lying to ourselves and selling ourselves on stories. (18:03) We can.(18:04) It's really easy to.

Emilia Smith

(18:05) Super easy nowadays.

Bianca Thomas

(18:07) But what is the long term implications of it? (18:11) And unfortunately, people like that and the clients that we see that don't last end up not right away, but later on it hits them in the face when it's too late, quote unquote, to do anything about it. (18:29) And it's just really devastating.(18:32) So the long and short of this to wrap this up, if you are consistently, consistently seeking thrills, seeking dopamine, seeking pleasure, seeking comfort, it's probably because your life feels wildly empty and you might not admit it to yourself and you might not be ready to admit it to yourself yet. (18:59) You need to get to the point where you do reach out to us. (19:05) We would love to help you in that.(19:07) If you even notice a little bit of it, reach out. (19:10) Well, believe me, we'll help you unpack it. (19:12) And if you want to do a gentle approach to this that's not as direct, that's not as.(19:22) Confronting. (19:23) Well, I didn't want to say confronting, but yeah, confronting. (19:26) We have Evolve Ventures group coaching that is launching.(19:31) In like two weeks after this episode comes out. (19:37) By this time, the room will probably be close to filled. (19:42) So if this is something you're interested in, please, please, please reach out.(19:47) We only take 10 people. (19:50) So if you are not one of the 10, you're going to have to wait another year to be able to sign on for it. (19:57) And believe me, you don't want to have to suffer another year, another year of this BS.(20:03) No. (20:05) So send us a DM, EVGC, or group coaching, or I want to start group coaching. (20:12) We will sign you on for that.(20:14) If you liked this episode and you want another one to look to, to jump to after this, 496, the myth of an easy life.

Emilia Smith

(20:30) Just do something. (20:31) That's all I'll say.

Emilia Smith

(20:33) In closing, keep evolving. (20:35) Thank you, as always for your continued interest in the science of holistic mental health and wellbeing. (20:41) We are with you.(20:42) Do something. (20:43) All right. (20:44) Take care.(20:45) Bye. (20:49) We know firsthand how important it is to have a safe space with people who support and celebrate your evolution. (20:56) That's why we created our free live virtual event called Out of the Mud that we host the last Wednesday of every single month, 7 p.m. Eastern standard time. (21:06) So that while you venture into new territories of your growth, you can get in a room with others who are too extraordinary topics with evolved people. (21:16) That's what this event is all about. (21:18) What's great too, is that you don't even need to have your camera or mic on.(21:22) You can just listen in, click the link and the show notes to register for the next topic to kickstart your growth.

Bianca Thomas

(21:28) Be on the lookout for our IG lives that we host every Friday at 1230 p.m. Eastern standard time. (21:35) This is a place where you can connect with us live and in a fun, lighthearted way. (21:40) We are also in the process of rolling out group coaching and online courses, and these are sure to help you evolve into a greater version of yourself.

Emilia Smith

(21:50) If this episode resonated with you or you heard something you know will help you evolve, please share it with someone you love and care about, team members across the world, or someone who you believe deeply could benefit from joining this discussion.

Bianca Thomas

(22:04) This content is intended for information purposes only. (22:07) It is not a substitute for professional counseling or psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment, and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. (22:19) Names and identifiable personal details mentioned in respective podcast episodes and stories may have been changed to protect personal privacy and identity.