#511 | Why Alcohol is an EASY Helper When You're Stressed

In today’s episode of Evolve Ventures Tech, we look at the uncomfortable truth behind using alcohol as stress relief. When life feels heavy, alcohol can seem like the fastest way to soften the noise, fit into social settings, or finally feel like yourself again. But what feels like comfort can quietly become avoidance, and what looks normal can still be costing you clarity, connection, and emotional control.

We explore the psychology behind why alcohol is such an easy coping mechanism, how stress exposes what needs attention, and why the harder choice is often the one that actually gives you your life back. The drink may take the edge off, but the bill always finds your nervous system.

Here's a related episode that builds on today’s conversation:
#495 | The Real Reason People Give Up On Their Dreams - https://apple.co/4cLi1MQ
#487 | Why You Struggle in Social Situations - https://apple.co/3RTJV2D

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Show notes:
(2:11) The pressure to drink socially
(6:44) Redefining addiction without shame
(8:03) Alcohol as a social buffer
(12:22) Alcohol as adult self-soothing
(14:40) Finding the real source of stress
(21:04) Choosing meaningful hard over easy relief
(24:06) Outro

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(Stay tuned for this coming Thursday’s episode!)

Transcript

Bianca Thomas

(0:00) I think that there has to come a point when we all stop feeding into the lie and the delusion that it's okay to keep drinking alcohol.

Emilia Smith

(0:11) When you are reaching for alcohol, I want to remind you that it's probably the worst thing you could do in situations when you're stressed.

Bianca Thomas

(0:19) Most of us are looking for hope, answers to the madness, certainty that we'll be okay and someone safe to help guide us through the most challenging parts of our lives. (0:30) In a world that's changing and evolving every single day, where chaos, uncertainty, and cycles we never chose wreak havoc on our lives, it's easy to feel lost, hopeless, and scared of what the future will hold.

Emilia Smith

(0:46) Evolve Ventures is here to provide that hope, direction, and data-driven strategies to growth-minded human beings just like you every Monday and Thursdays, where each new episode is filled with vulnerable stories, interesting lessons, and simple tools you can use that will help you evolve into the person you were always meant to be.

Bianca Thomas

(1:07) My name is Emilia. (1:08) And I'm Bianca.

Emilia Smith

(1:09) And as the co-founders of Evolve Ventures, we are so grateful to be a part of your evolution. (1:15) Let's get into it. (1:16) Hey everybody, it's Bianca.(1:19) Welcome back, Evolvers. (1:20) It's Emilia for episode 511. (1:23) Why alcohol is an easy helper when you're stressed.(1:26) We are here to not only remind you of some of the most fundamentals of the fact that reaching for alcohol when you are stressed is probably one of the worst things that you could do for your life. (1:38) But on top of that, really talk about why. (1:40) Why is it that alcohol is the most easiest coping mechanism when we are stressed?(1:46) And by the end of this episode, it is our intention to make sure that you actually start to reach for something a little bit different than that. (1:52) Because let's face it, more often than not, when we are stressed, it is one of the most easy go-to reachable coping mechanisms most of us have if we have some sort of alcohol in the fridge or in the cabinet, what have you. (2:05) However, it is destroying your relationships one drink at a time.

Bianca Thomas

(2:11) It's also incredibly socially acceptable. (2:15) I mean, the fascinating thing is if you're the one not drinking, people are upset with you. (2:21) People get mad at you.(2:23) People judge you if you choose not to drink or if you're sober. (2:28) So it makes sense why it's an easy thing to go to. (2:33) But I don't think enough of us understand the harm that it's doing, especially from a mental health perspective.(2:44) And Amelia, I know you have a story. (2:46) I have a client message that I literally got sent this morning. (2:49) So do you want to go first or do you want me to read this message first?

Emilia Smith

(2:54) Yeah, I'll share my client story. (2:56) So this client of mine, she's really struggling right now with the stress that she's dealing with. (3:02) And just for context, the stress that she's dealing with, she now has a three year old.(3:08) She has a newborn who's about three and a half months or so. (3:14) And she has a third child. (3:18) But unfortunately, that child actually is above the ages of 28.(3:24) And so I say that because essentially that person is her partner who's not actually stepping into the family. (3:33) And so one of the last calls that we had, I essentially said, if we were to level set your expectations that you're dealing with a third child and you're not actually dealing with an equal partner who's stepping in to really support you, what would that do for your stress? (3:46) And so she, a couple of weeks later, I checked in on that and she said, actually, it did really help.(3:52) It sucked. (3:54) Admitting and acknowledging that that is actually one of the reasons that I'm so stressed out because I'm expecting my partner to be a partner, to be an equal partner and to actually help out with the kids. (4:04) But even just level setting that expectation has brought my stress down tremendously.(4:08) And so alcohol in the past was something that she turned to, to try to cope with the stress that came from. (4:14) So we've talked about this a couple of times and she's not an alcoholic by any means, but yet in a situation like that has started to delude herself that she is. (4:25) And at the end of the day, it's an easy go-to turn when you're trying to cope with stress.(4:33) However, the challenge is, like all of us, what is the compound effect of that? (4:41) Because it's pretty much like pouring oil on a fire. (4:45) And so now, thankfully, she's turning to more adaptive coping mechanisms, but ultimately it just kind of created more of a trigger spot for her partner and essentially a slide for him to point at how unfit she is as a mother.(5:01) And that's a whole nother story, but essentially, which is just not true at all. (5:05) But that's that to alcohol being a crush, right? (5:08) She actually came and said, it's a crush.(5:11) I'm not working on the stress. (5:12) I'm not actually acknowledging the stress that my partner as a result of not being an equal partner is actually contributing to this. (5:19) And I need to do better here.(5:21) And so she's on this whole track, going to the gym, doing other things that are helping her and really actually helping her work through what is causing so much of the stress. (5:31) And she knows deep down it is her partner actually not being a child and stepping up to be a partner and that's not within her control. (5:37) So she's focusing in on what's within her control to deal with her stress and already that's helping her.(5:43) So Bianca, please bring in this message from your client because what we know is, and just for context too, I am someone who I used to drink alcohol. (5:53) I used to cope with it for stress. (5:55) I used to use it as something that liquid courage me up, that would soften the blow of the stress and the challenges that I would have.(6:03) And at 25, I essentially decided that it was no longer helpful for me. (6:08) And it was just a crutch that I'm unwilling to continue. (6:13) And so I to this day have not drank alcohol for the last six years.(6:19) And I'm really proud of that. (6:20) And I was actually saying at a function yesterday that I was at to someone who's our age, Bianca, I was saying it's one of the best decisions I could have ever done because just taking away or changing my, making a decision not to turn to alcohol during stress has equipped me with so many other tools that now it's unbelievable where my life is. (6:40) So what did your client say to you?(6:42) I'm super curious.

Bianca Thomas

(6:44) I have two things I want to say. (6:46) Number one, I think when it comes to alcohol, we need to redefine what addiction is because you might not be an alcoholic in the way that we all understand what an alcoholic is. (6:59) But if you're, and I want to make this as clear as humanly possible, we are not attacking, we are not judging.(7:05) We are not, we're not insinuating anything negative about you. (7:09) We, what we are trying to do is raise awareness to the fact that this 100% is a tool that is very easy to use that the grand majority, that, that too many people are relying on because it's easy, because it's socially acceptable and because it does create a massive physiological change when you're under stress. (7:37) I mean, that is literally the point of it.(7:39) So this client said, I have an issue with alcohol. (7:42) I used it as a means to relax and enjoy myself. (7:46) It puts me in a more optimistic frame of mind and helps me joke around and be present with my friends and family.(7:52) That's not a good thing. (7:54) I hope I'd hope I'd be able to do this sober. (7:59) Like the vulnerability in that message, number one is huge.

Bianca Thomas

(8:02) Yeah.

Bianca Thomas

(8:03) Number two, what he said is exactly what so many people are struggling with. (8:09) We cannot be in social settings without alcohol, without a drink in our hand, without a buffer because of whatever it is that's coming up inside of us that we don't know how to regulate that we don't know how to deal with. (8:27) And so we need that, that drink in our hand, and this is not alcohol, this is coffee, but we need that buffer.(8:36) We need that communal exchange because. (8:43) The truth of the matter is we don't know how to be who we are in social settings because the far majority of people are numbing and dissociating their life away. (8:56) They're not actually feeling what they actually feel.(9:00) They're not talking about the realities of their life. (9:03) And so what do you do? (9:04) Grab a drink, drink it up, and let's just be fun and let's just have a good time because then we don't have to deal with it.(9:11) Or the end of the night, I have to have my glass of wine to unwind because it's the only thing that's going to help me get through the day because my life is terrible. (9:22) That is alcoholism. (9:24) You might not be stumbling over your words and unable to function like on like in the day to day, but the fact that you need it and you can't go without it is an indication of addiction.

Emilia Smith

(9:38) Right, right. (9:39) And that characterization is that urge, that that urge and loss of quote unquote control over your own consumption. (9:48) And then paired with that negative state, right, when you're not having an alcohol.(9:53) So you go to a function or you kind of unwind without it and that has you in a negative state. (9:59) So I love that you pulled that in there because it is fascinating how much because of the social acceptance around there and to this end, a social neglect. (10:11) I think that the social acceptance and encouragement in a way is actually social neglect.(10:20) We are neglecting to see how we are using as as a collective, substances to be able to navigate social settings, to be able to be ourselves and and stand proud in that, to be able to unwind after a hard day that's overstimulating and to really navigate those those stressful times for ourselves. (10:39) And when we pair, you know, this this loss of personal control through the urges that we have like, oh, I want a cookie. (10:48) It's like that's it's the same thing.(10:50) But if you lose the control and then you're in a negative state when you don't have it, this compulsivity plus the negative state, it like we could look at so many other things and there's so many other things that we as as a society are addicted to. (11:04) And so alcohol is just one of them. (11:06) And we chose this one because specifically there is that combined social acceptance and encouragement even if you will go to a function that that doesn't have any sort of liquor or alcohol in there.(11:19) That's a very unique function because of the fact that it is not encouragement towards this.

Bianca Thomas

(11:26) People will likely leave. (11:28) They'll probably leave or they'll go or they'll go get it. (11:31) They'll drink in the car and then they'll and then they'll come back.(11:35) Like like when you get married and you guys don't have alcohol, I'm assuming a lot of people are going to be very upset.

Emilia Smith

(11:44) Yeah. (11:45) Yeah. (11:45) And why are we upset again?(11:47) Because we don't have it's kind like I picture it like a binky. (11:52) Like when a child is screaming, they need a little binky to help self-soothe. (11:57) But and I know that's like very infantile to think.(12:01) But as adults, I also know that we have the biological body of an adult, but we have the emotional capacity of a toddler because truly what's underneath that is our inability to actually self-soothe amongst stressful times. (12:17) Our window of tolerance is really low. (12:19) And so we're we're self-soothing through not just the drink in the hand, but also the actual substance itself.(12:26) And so I think that it is a conversation that is really important to have because when we really think about it, it is so freaking effective. (12:36) It's so much that you could placebo effect this. (12:39) You could literally and I've done this on myself.(12:41) You could have the same wine glass that you have every single night. (12:44) You could pour in a wine bottle water or grape juice. (12:49) That's what I did.(12:50) Grape juice in the wine bottle. (12:51) And you could put this wine bottle into your your wine glass and your placebo effect. (12:58) It will be more soothing than if you just fill that up with water.(13:00) Why? (13:01) Because our nervous system is so sunk up, not just to the substance itself, but to the actual routines and rhythms that usually are around the substance itself. (13:10) And so why it's an easy helper when we're stressed is not just because the substance really does immediately when that hits your bloodstream.(13:16) It is that antidepressant. (13:18) It is calming of the nervous system. (13:20) But it's actually the setup and and the ending of every single drink.(13:25) There's a routine and a rhythm to it. (13:27) When you're stressed out, the last thing that you're in is a routine and a rhythm. (13:31) So it's the setup of your favorite wine glass.(13:33) It's it's the popping the sound of the wine bottle, like all of those your nervous system are attuning to and slowly unwinding to. (13:42) So if I can do anything for anyone. (13:45) Exactly.(13:45) It pops you in a flow. (13:46) It's all the flow triggers. (13:49) So if I could encourage anyone to consider what what could be a helpful, maybe just, you know, cold turkey is not realistic for anyone that is turning towards alcohol for whatever stressful situation that you're having.(14:04) If I if I can encourage you to approach it from a couple of different standpoints, one of them, what I mentioned with the client is, you know, zooming out a little bit. (14:13) What is causing so much of this stress? (14:15) And when we zoomed out in this client's life, she's she went through a couple of different things, like, you know, the baby that this that and it's like, wait a second, OK, zoom out even more.(14:25) And she's like, really, it comes down to not having a partner who is supporting me when I really need it. (14:32) And it's like, OK, let's zoom out a little bit more. (14:35) Why does that stress you out?(14:37) And that's where we lean in on expectations. (14:39) What are you expecting of this partner to do? (14:41) She's like, well, obviously, like these are his kids.(14:45) Obviously, he's he said that he loves me and loves us and X, Y, Z. (14:49) So I actually really think it's, you know, I'm like, could you do you think it could be the expectation that comes with what you want to have happen as an equal partner? (14:58) And she's like, yeah, yeah, actually, it is.(15:01) And it's like, I know this one's a tough one to swallow. (15:03) But if we were to drop that expectation to where the reality is hitting you constantly in the face, what would that do to your stress levels? (15:11) She's like, well, initially, it would be really hard because of the fact that I would have to face the reality that I'm with someone who refuses to be an equal partner, no matter how many times, how many tries.(15:20) And that would be really hard to cope with long term for sure. (15:23) But some of that stress, I feel like it actually helped me kind of not have the stress that gets created as a result of those expectations. (15:32) So it's like, OK, that zoom out.(15:34) If you can even just examine some of the expectations that are causing the stress that you're having on the day to day, that's a great tool just to start to dip your toe into it. (15:44) And then my second recommendation is to that end, placebo effect your brain. (15:48) See what if it's wine.(15:50) Awesome. (15:51) If it's beer, whatever the alcohol is, think about the routines before you act, before that liquid hits your mouth. (15:59) What and where could you swap out that substance, but keep the quote unquote glass, but keep the quote unquote bottle, but keep the quote unquote cork, because it's not just about the actual liquid that hits your mouth, but it's the routines that hit other senses of yours, maybe the slowing down that you actually do when you put that glass out.(16:18) Right. (16:18) Those little tiny things, they do add up. (16:20) So it's not just about the addiction of the substance itself.(16:24) It's about the addiction of the substance's routine that helps us self-soothe. (16:29) And that's what I would encourage us to consider slowly swapping out. (16:33) And if you're struggling with this, this is where having an accountability (16:36) partner is so helpful in having someone to help you zoom out can be exponentially more helpful (16:42) to actually then move forward into navigating that stress, finding more effective coping strategies (16:50) like this client with the gym and whatnot, and then dealing with those expectations that you (16:55) might feel others have of you to Bianca, your client and what they texted you of how they want (17:03) to be. (17:03) Right.(17:03) And you can kind of use the how you want to be as the North Star that you can point to and work towards.

Bianca Thomas

(17:15) We did an episode. (17:16) So the day that we are recording this, it came out, but this would have come out like two months ago. (17:24) It is episode four.

Bianca Thomas

(17:31) I think it's 495 why people give up on their dreams. (17:35) It's the real reason why people give up on their dreams. (17:38) And one of the things that we talked about in that episodes, I was reviewing it this morning.(17:43) And one of the biggest reasons was people expect the journey not to be hard. (17:49) And they're not prepared for how hard it actually is going to be. (17:53) I think when it comes to life, life feels so hard.(18:01) And we believe that it's not supposed to be hard. (18:05) So we're looking for anything and everything to dull the pain, to make the pain go away, to make it easier, rather than changing your life, to make your life holistically better. (18:20) And have hard in your life actually be towards something meaningful for you.(18:28) Like I had a killer workout this morning. (18:31) It was hard as hell. (18:34) But it was proactive hard.(18:38) My life is so much better because I eliminated all the bullshit in my life that would have made me go for a drink. (18:47) And instead, I'm in circumstances, engaging in situations that are holistically better for my life. (18:58) And yeah, my life is unbelievably hard, but in a different way.(19:02) And I also have the tools, skills, capabilities, resources and resourcefulness to be able to manage it and navigate it. (19:09) And that only came after years of doing this really difficult and meaningful work that so many of us are just not doing because it's painful. (19:22) I mean, I had a brutal call with a client this morning.(19:27) Oh my God, she literally was like, I was two seconds away from ending this call. (19:33) And I was like, yeah, we're talking about deep shit that you've been avoiding for years. (19:39) I'm not surprised.(19:41) And at the end of it, she was just like, I'm just so hurt. (19:46) I'm just so sad. (19:48) I don't know how to handle this.(19:52) And I'm like, yeah, I get it. (19:54) I really do. (19:56) And numbing and running away and dissociating is always going to be easier in the short run.(20:05) In the long run, it makes everything harder. (20:07) And with alcohol, it's the exact same thing. (20:10) That client of yours is going to numb herself into oblivion and be stuck in a miserable relationship that leaves her feeling empty and probably dead inside.(20:21) So you can keep the alcohol or you can do something about it.

Bianca Thomas

(20:25) Yeah.

Emilia Smith

(20:26) Yeah.

Bianca Thomas

(20:27) Easier said than done, but it's not impossible.

Emilia Smith

(20:30) No. (20:31) And there's many people that have done it. (20:33) And I think that that is really important because of the fact that when you try to go through a meaningful, hard trek, you know, to what she's doing, you know, the gym and doing the things, Bianca, you mentioned a point about like choosing your heart upstream, that's meaningful and important to you, which is essentially you voting for the best version of you.(20:50) That doesn't mean the easiest version of you. (20:53) It allows all the other choices that are in your best favor to be easier. (20:59) In other words, it allows the resistance to negative choices.(21:02) Like, for example, if you have a kick ass workout in the morning, you're likely going to eat better. (21:09) You're likely not going to reach for alcohol or things that hurt or undo your quote unquote workout. (21:14) So like that's huge.(21:16) And this client, for sure, her choosing to do those upstream things are going to help and already are helping the downstream wanting to keep the promises and not undoing that the effort in to deal with the stress upstream. (21:31) So we all have a choice in this life. (21:33) And I think it's important to remind ourselves of that, that we can deal with things upstream that will take care of the downstream effects or we can look at the downstream and try to navigate that.(21:43) But there will become one point in time where eventually you have to look at the upstream and you have to make a more proactive approach to what is hard and meaningful. (21:55) And that is going to be deeply important to do so that it is worth it long term because short term fixes never yield favorable outcomes long term. (22:05) So way to go.(22:07) And I think that for all of us, it's going to be hard. (22:10) So level set those expectations. (22:12) But it is worth it.(22:13) And trust me, the people around you, if they're if they're voting for your worst self, do not get it twisted. (22:22) They're not necessarily going to be there when you become your best self. (22:25) And I think that that's a whole other conversation.(22:27) So to that end, we see you. (22:30) We've been through it. (22:32) We know what it's like.(22:33) And you're not alone on this journey as you try to use other tools, techniques, strategies to cope with the stress downstream and to make better, more effective decisions, even though they're hard upstream. (22:46) And you always have Evolve at your back, ready and willing to support. (22:51) We've helped so many people in this.(22:53) We hope that you feel safe enough to reach out if you're struggling this. (22:57) We are here and we are a DM away. (23:00) So with that being said, final episode suggestion.(23:04) Yeah.

Bianca Thomas

(23:05) If you enjoyed this episode and you are looking for a little bit of help navigating social situations a little bit better. (23:13) Number 487, why you struggle in social settings. (23:17) We kind of unpack why we have these difficulties and what you can do.(23:22) And that goes really well with this episode here.

Emilia Smith

(23:27) So click on that wherever it shows up on the screen. (23:29) If you're watching us on YouTube, let us know how this resonated with us or with you in the comments. (23:34) And as always, thank you for your interest with us in the science of holistic mental health.(23:38) We love speaking into your lives. (23:40) So keep evolving everyone and keep up the hard but meaningful work. (23:49) We know firsthand how important it is to have a safe space with people who support and celebrate your evolution.(23:56) That's why we created our free live virtual event called out of the mud that we host the last Wednesday of every single month, 7 p.m. Eastern standard time. (24:06) So that while you venture into new territories of your growth, you can get in a room with others who are to extraordinary topics with evolved people. (24:15) That's what this event is all about.(24:18) What's great too, is that you don't even need to have your camera or mic on. (24:22) You can just listen in. (24:23) Click the link in the show notes to register for the next topic to kickstart your growth.

Bianca Thomas

(24:28) Be on the lookout for our IG lives that we host every Friday at 12 30 p.m. Eastern standard time. (24:35) This is a place where you can connect with us live and in a fun, lighthearted way. (24:40) We are also in the process of rolling out group coaching and online courses.(24:44) And these are sure to help you evolve into a greater version of yourself.

Emilia Smith

(24:50) If this episode resonated with you or you heard something you know will help you evolve, please share it with someone you love and care about, team members across the world, or someone who you believe deeply could benefit from joining this discussion.

Bianca Thomas

(25:04) This content is intended for information purposes only. (25:07) It is not a substitute for professional counseling or psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment, and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. (25:19) Names and identifiable personal details mentioned in respective podcast episodes and stories may have been changed to protect personal privacy and identity.