#501 | Why Dating in the Modern Age Can Feel Impossible

Why does finding love feel harder when everyone seems more connected than ever?

In today’s episode, we look at the hidden pain behind modern dating, from unrealistic standards and dating app pressure to rejection, emotional shutdown, and the growing pull toward AI relationships. We talk about why so many people feel unseen, unwanted, or misunderstood, and how chasing the perfect “package” can pull us away from the deeper work of building real connection.

This episode is for anyone who still believes in love, but feels tired from trying. We reflect on self-worth, inner growth, vulnerability, emotional safety, and why the long game may be the only path to something real. Don’t shrink your heart to survive the dating world. Build the kind of self-trust that makes real love possible.

Episode Resource:
Men Are Sharing Difficult Parts Of Modern Dating, And As A Woman, I Never Thought Of Some Of These

Here are related episodes that build on today’s conversation:
#394 | How You Can Leverage Your 'Rock Bottom' Moments - https://apple.co/4m6Hgxt
#490 | Encouraging Automatic Thoughts: Replace Negative Thoughts With Helpful Ones - https://apple.co/4d1oe7r

Learn more about:
🤝 Out of the Mud (OOTM) - "Why You Keep Second-Guessing Yourself" - https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/IykObX8eR7ixJaQ-qqZogw#/registration

📽️ Insightful films. Meaningful growth. Join our Evolve Movie Club - https://forms.gle/bBZUbFEeD2ijypCT7

🌱 The #YouDoYou Therapy Program gives you support when and how you need it. No pressure. Just real help. Start your free 7-day trial today - https://buy.stripe.com/fZe8Avdfx8bW9gcfZc

_________________

Connect with Emilia, Bianca & the EVOLVE VENTURES Community:

Website: http://www.evolveventurestech.com
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/evolveventures/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/EvolveVenturesTech  (Public Page)
Evolve Ventures Society (Private Facebook Group) - https://www.facebook.com/groups/457130589193794
Emilia’s IG - https://www.instagram.com/evolvewithemilia/
Bianca’s IG - https://www.instagram.com/evolvewithbianca/

Connect with Emilia & Bianca from Evolve Ventures for FREE:
https://calendly.com/emiliasmith/free-evp-communityconnect?month=2025-07

Show notes:
(3:20) Men’s hidden struggles in dating
(6:31) Dating through pain and defensiveness
(8:32) Packaging versus real relationship skills
(12:11) Playing the long game in love
(16:13) Shame, self-worth, and behavior change
(17:56) Becoming the partner love can trust
(20:15) Outro

***Leave them a 5-star review if you felt their energy, became inspired, or felt as though the value was added to your life in your EVOLUTION.

(Stay tuned for this coming Thursday’s episode!)

Transcript

Bianca Thomas

(0:00) When things feel really painful, even things that we deeply and desperately want, we will stop pursuing it and we will stop chasing it because of that pain.

Emilia Smith

(0:12) And in modern age dating, you're better off trying and trying again than you are turning to an AI girlfriend or boyfriend.

Bianca Thomas

(0:23) Most of us are looking for hope, answers to the madness, certainty that we'll be okay and someone safe to help guide us through the most challenging parts of our lives. (0:35) In a world that's changing and evolving every single day, where chaos, uncertainty, and cycles we never chose wreak havoc on our lives, it's easy to feel lost, hopeless, and scared of what the future will hold.

Emilia Smith

(0:51) Evolve Ventures is here to provide that hope, direction, and data-driven strategies to growth-minded human beings just like you every Monday and Thursdays, where each new episode is filled with vulnerable stories, interesting lessons, and simple tools you can use that will help you evolve into the person you were always meant to be.

Bianca Thomas

(1:12) My name is Emilia. (1:13) And I'm Bianca.

Emilia Smith

(1:14) And as the co-founders of Evolve Ventures, we are so grateful to be a part of your evolution. (1:20) Let's get into it. (1:21) Hey everybody, it's Bianca.(1:23) Welcome back, Evolvers. (1:25) It's Emilia. (1:25) Welcome back for episode 501, Why Dating in the Modern Age Can Feel Impossible.(1:31) And yes, I did say in the beginning, you're better off as a human being trying and trying again, despite how brutal it can be. (1:40) Trust me, we've heard it all. (1:42) Then you are turning to an AI girlfriend or boyfriend.(1:47) And yes, that is happening right now. (1:49) And it's only increasing at an exponential and alarming rate. (1:54) Hear us out.(1:56) So Bianca and I see individuals behind the scenes and we pull the curtain back. (2:01) If you've been an Evolver, you know, we like to keep it raw and real in this show. (2:07) So the conversations that we have with conscious singles, people who are aspiring towards dating and dating in a way that is thoughtful, that is meaningful and ultimately conscientious, those individuals, they're in the dating world in a time that has been unprecedented, experiencing more challenges than there ever has been in the modern dating scene.(2:31) And on top of that, there's competition that go beyond the flesh realm. (2:38) So let's peel back the curtain in this entire episode. (2:42) Let's try to understand as a community why dating in the modern age can feel impossible.(2:48) And ultimately, if this resonates with you, we want to hear what you're going through, because everyone has a similar experience, but it's not experienced in the exact same way. (2:59) So talk to us, Bianca. (3:01) I know you sent me an article that was one that really did echo the sentiments.(3:07) We'll link that down below of so much of what we're seeing and so much of the sentiments that we hear from a lot of the male clients that we have at Evolve, which we are so grateful to be able to hold a safe space for.

Bianca Thomas

(3:20) So I have a client that I've been working with for two months now. (3:26) So he's still a relatively new client. (3:28) And he sent me this article, and I don't remember the name of it, but it was a Huffington Post article that was basically talking about the way that men feel about dating and some of the hardships that men experience in dating that most people, and especially most women, would never know about and would never understand.(3:54) Now, a lot of the times when we hear about dating, we usually hear it from the female perspective. (4:00) Men only want one thing. (4:02) Men are pigs.(4:03) Men are trash. (4:04) Men can't do this. (4:06) Men can't do that.(4:07) So on and so forth. (4:09) And that has become the predominant narrative. (4:11) This article broke my heart because this author, writer, journalist, whatever, basically put on Reddit, men, what have your experiences been in dating?(4:26) And she copied and pasted a lot of the sentiments that these men have said. (4:31) And it truly was heartbreaking. (4:34) And I have one in front of me that I want to read.(4:36) The feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness that come from being ignored by women all your life and or being treated as if you're a horrible monster just because you exist. (4:50) I personally think that both men and women have it hard, but for different reasons. (4:54) And neither side is willing to acknowledge any kind of fault in their own behavior, but would rather put it put all the blame on the other side.(5:05) Now, that was one of the nice messages. (5:07) Some of the other ones were like. (5:10) Women expect us to just try and try and try.(5:14) They don't tell us what they want, but we just have to continue. (5:18) And then if we don't do it, they're we're pigs and we're just they're just going to go on to the next man. (5:22) There was these really just sad, heartbreaking messages.(5:28) And I asked my client, like, has this been your experience? (5:33) What has your experience been like? (5:36) And he went down this rabbit hole of women have these wildly unrealistic expectations of men.(5:45) Women have been hurt by men in the past, and now they think that we're all terrible. (5:50) They need us all to be six feet tall with these massive bank accounts and we have to earn five hundred thousand dollars a year and we have to be super good looking and we have to be all these things and we can't be vulnerable, but they want us to be vulnerable. (6:06) And it's just incredibly confusing.(6:09) And he started. (6:11) He got incredibly vulnerable with me on this call, and it just highlighted to me and the reason I wanted to do this episode was because there are two sides to this narrative. (6:25) There are two sides to this story, just like anything, but.(6:31) Each side has a hard time seeing the side of the other because of their pain, their experiences, and it makes dating feel almost impossible. (6:42) Then to your point, Amelia, when you also take into consideration social media and dating apps and A.I., I was listening to this episode of Esther Perel. (6:55) Where should we begin?(6:57) And she actually interviewed a man who fell in love with an A.I. chat box. (7:02) And we're going to do an episode on this in the future, but he fell in love with an A.I. and she did an interview with him and the A.I. Yep. (7:13) And it was it was.(7:16) It was devastating. (7:17) I like could not. (7:20) I couldn't fathom it.(7:22) And what he ended up saying in that was. (7:25) Basically, I've been used and abused my whole life. (7:28) Vulnerability has never been safe.(7:30) People are dangerous. (7:31) The A.I. felt better because it validated me.

Emilia Smith

(7:34) Exactly.

Bianca Thomas

(7:34) And again, we're going to be doing an episode on that in the future, so I don't want to dive too deep into that. (7:39) But yeah, Amelia, what have you seen on this? (7:43) Because you've coached individuals, you've coached couples.(7:46) You've you've seen it all. (7:48) So, like, why is it so hard for both men and women? (7:52) And then what should they be doing?(7:55) What can we do?

Emilia Smith

(7:57) One of the biggest things and like I said, we're going to just scratch the surface on this one, not dip our toe too far in. (8:03) We are going to continue to have more series on this. (8:07) So one of the biggest things, the biggest through lines that I can see and that whether (8:12) it be male or female, different generations, different demographics, et cetera, one of (8:18) the through lines that I consistently feel that is presenting so loudly and then when (8:25) I turn clients to look at this, they're like, oh, I never saw it that way, is ultimately (8:32) there's a lot of individuals so externally focused going to make sure that they're present (8:38) on the apps. (8:39) You know, their marketing is all perfect and they're so focused on the quote unquote packaging because there's so much pressure on that quote unquote first three seconds that you're seen on the dating apps or whatever.(8:50) First impression is everything. (8:53) And I've seen because that pressure is so big and we let it really get in our heads and really hurt us, the overwhelming focus on it is the external at the expense of developing the internal skill set. (9:09) So what do I mean by that?(9:11) Men and women focusing in on more about their packaging, so how they look, what's in their (9:17) bank account, what's, you know, what car they drive, then they actually do the skill sets (9:24) of financial discipline, financial responsibility of inner work and emotional literacy and emotional (9:31) regulation and the ability to be a great listener and to be empathetic and to be vulnerable (9:36) and to be respectful and all of the inner world skills that develop so that the outer (9:43) packaging is just kind of a byproduct of that.(9:46) And so what happens when you spend so much time and effort, especially when you have peer groups overly focused on the external packaging, it's like keeping up with the Joneses. (9:55) The best way that I can describe it, it's keeping up with the Joneses just on social media. (9:58) And so what a lot of people experience then in person, if they do get to that point, it's the expectations are so high on both sides, firstly, of ourselves and secondly, of the other person.(10:13) And if we have insecurities, which most people now like more insecurities are prevalent than they ever have been because it's such a competitive quote unquote marketplace, which when you think about that, like that's a good thing. (10:26) If you approach it with a growth mindset, because a competitive marketplace, if you will, with a growth mindset can actually develop some incredible skill sets that otherwise with a fixed mindset would really never be able to be developed.

Bianca Thomas

(10:43) So what would you say to the people just really quick on that? (10:47) What would you say to the people who say, but I am emotionally intelligent, like I actually am. (10:53) I actually have these qualifications behind the scenes, but because I don't have the front facing packaging that quote unquote women want or that quote unquote men want, I'm not going to be chosen because I don't have those social external markers because that's what this client was saying.(11:12) And I've heard a lot of people say that's like, well, I'm not six feet tall and I don't have a full head of hair and I don't have this and I don't have that. (11:21) Or for women, I don't have double D breasts and implants and all of this stuff. (11:26) And men aren't going to want me because they're going to go for the woman who has that regardless of the internal qualities.

Emilia Smith

(11:32) So what would you say to those people? (11:35) I think that people who are playing a short game will go for short game fixes. (11:41) And for those individuals, because that's those are the people that we speak to is like you have to play the long game.(11:47) So what does that actually mean? (11:48) OK, if if that if someone is so shallow to where they literally next to you because of the fact that your hair follicles maybe don't grow in the proportionality that they want or you don't have breast implants and your lips aren't big enough or whatever, like that is such a short, shallow human being. (12:06) And playing the long game is going to be the hardest in a in a world where quick fixes are, like I said, are everything.(12:16) Right. (12:17) But the long game does like it always helps you. (12:20) And I think that it feels like what it feels like for clients is blind faith.(12:25) But what it is, is a. (12:29) Maximization of the devotion and commitment to never swaying from your values and a blind faith, quote unquote, a full blown whole body, wholehearted trust in everything that you do think and say and believe and trusting that your values are going to be the magnet that attracts the person that is meant for you long term. (12:51) Now, if you're someone that is in the dating scene and wanting quick fixes, then it's a totally different strategy.(12:56) And this is where the number one P that I think we all need to be thinking about when you are. (13:02) So if you have a short term or a long term strategy, that's number one. (13:04) What I tell clients, are you looking for quick fixes?(13:07) OK, likely that's you telling yourself a story because what you actually want and what everyone actually wants is a longer term partner. (13:14) And you're just having to go to the short term strategy because you don't know how to navigate the emotional distress that comes through when you feel, quote unquote, unwanted because it triggers some of your deepest exiles and some of your deepest limiting beliefs. (13:28) So, boom, we got work to do.(13:29) Then once you have your strategy and you actually have the courage to say, I'm willing to go to the dating scene in this modern age with a long game. (13:39) I'm willing to get rejected a thousand times if that means me getting closer to the love of my life. (13:46) And that's going to be brutal and that's going to be difficult.(13:49) And I need to make sure that not only do I have emotional intelligence, but I know how to handle the grief that is consistently going through that. (13:56) And I know what type of community I need to navigate that grief. (13:59) And then once I'm there and I commit full body, full heart, full everything to my version of my long game that is value centric, that is principle oriented, whatever that is for you, that's where positioning matters, how you position yourself.(14:13) So that includes where you show up and where you don't. (14:17) How seen are you? (14:20) What way in which are you being seen?(14:22) And so it's a totally different approach, I would say, in that strategy to where and how you position yourself to kind of where you everything's different when you're positioning is based on your strategy. (14:38) And that's all I'm going to say for this episode because I know we have so much more to say on this. (14:42) But those are the two things.(14:43) That's what I would say to that person. (14:45) I would say, OK, let's focus on the long game. (14:48) What is your long game?(14:50) What are the values that are going to drive that? (14:51) What's the community of support that you need in order to navigate the uncomfortable emotions that are going to be absolutely brutalizing? (14:59) And what is the alternative hobby and skill and et cetera that you're going to develop while in relationship with yourself on the way to attracting your partner?(15:09) Because it's that energy of who you've developed yourself to be from the inside out as much as it is outside in that is going to ultimately not just attract your partner to you, but keep them around again and again and again. (15:23) And so many people have been forced to focus in on this short game of just attract, just attract, just attract, just attract, not as much of attract and reattract. (15:34) Attract and reattract.

Bianca Thomas

(15:37) That that is a whole different game. (15:41) It's brutal when you're in it because you don't want to hear that answer. (15:45) Not at all.(15:45) You want to hear it. (15:46) You exactly. (15:47) You want to hear that there is something more that you can do, that there is some fix that is going to make another person like drop all of those limitations and see you.(16:03) And it's like you're missing, you're missing so much of the equation. (16:08) You're missing the point and the part where you feel so worthless that you don't believe that anyone would love you. (16:16) And you're using these metrics to validate that.(16:20) And believe me, I did that too. (16:23) Amelia and I have had so many conversations behind the scenes when I was in the dating game of like, I'm not good enough. (16:29) Nobody's going to love me.(16:31) I'm so alone. (16:31) Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. (16:34) And I could pin it on a thousand different things.(16:36) And the truth was, I had a lot of internalized shame. (16:40) I had a horrible relationship to myself. (16:44) And because of that, I wasn't doing the things that I needed to do to make it possible to attract a partner.(16:51) And when I stopped doing that and I got help, that's when things started to change. (16:58) So there's always going to be something to pin it on. (17:03) But the real change is only going to happen when you are open and willing to change your behavior, to navigate the limiting beliefs and the core wounds and all of that stuff that you have.(17:16) And to your point, be willing to play a long game.

Emilia Smith

(17:20) Yeah. (17:20) The closing thing that I'll say on this to orient anyone, if this resonates with you and this is your experiences, number one, you might have a lot of clarity as to what you think you want in a partner or what you think your partner wants in you. (17:35) Now, most of us are so focused on what do I want in a partner?(17:39) What do I want my partner to look like? (17:41) All this stuff, right? (17:42) There's a lot of exercises that people encourage that.(17:45) The question that I'm going to ask you is, who do you have to become? (17:48) Not what do you need to have to attract them? (17:50) Because over time, materials like that doesn't I trust me.(17:56) I have worked with couples that have met in the modern day and age, couples that are recommitting themselves to their their partnerhood and their their partnership deeper and deeper. (18:08) And the materials fade away, baby, like all that external packaging that fades away over time or you just are constantly in the hole of the next thing, the next thing, the next thing. (18:18) And that's a treadmill that literally sucks your soul.(18:20) So I have plenty of clients that can endorse that. (18:23) Not what do you need to have in order to attract your partner, but who do you need to become? (18:29) To be the man or woman that they're proud to have by their side, not just proud, but honored to have by their side.(18:38) And that like that totally shifts the way in which you think about things, because that puts to this article earlier that puts a spotlight on you. (18:46) What can you do? (18:47) What what do you need to do to be that type of person to where your partner, the love of your life is honored to be with you because of who you are, not what you have?(18:58) Right. (18:58) And that's just a totally different way to think about it. (19:00) So my episode in closing, if you like this one, how you how you can leverage your rock bottom moments.(19:06) Sorry. (19:07) Number 394, Bianca.

Bianca Thomas

(19:11) 490, encouraging automatic thoughts. (19:14) Replace negative ones with replace negative thoughts with helpful ones.

Emilia Smith

(19:20) We're both tongue tied today. (19:21) We love it. (19:22) OK, and that's actually really good for the practical, tactical standpoint.(19:26) Mine is a little bit more macro motivating leverage rock bottom. (19:29) Yours is on the practical, tactical, automatic thoughts. (19:32) So I love that Bob and weave.(19:34) Awesome. (19:35) Beautiful.

Bianca Thomas

(19:36) We hope you enjoyed this episode, everybody.

Emilia Smith

(19:38) Hmm. (19:39) And as always, thank you for your continued interest into the science of holistic mental health and well-being. (19:46) Keep evolving, everyone.(19:47) You got this. (19:48) We know firsthand how important it is to have a safe space with people who support and celebrate your evolution. (20:00) That's why we created our free live virtual event called Out of the Mud that we host the last Wednesday of every single month, 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (20:09) So that while you venture into new territories of your growth, you can get in a room with others who are to extraordinary topics with evolved people. (20:19) That's what this event is all about. (20:22) What's great, too, is that you don't even need to have your camera or mic on.(20:25) You can just listen in. (20:27) Click the link in the show notes to register for the next topic to kickstart your growth.

Bianca Thomas

(20:31) Be on the lookout for our IG Lives that we host every Friday at 1230 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (20:39) This is a place where you can connect with us live and in a fun, lighthearted way. (20:44) We are also in the process of rolling out group coaching and online courses, and these are sure to help you evolve into a greater version of yourself.

Emilia Smith

(20:54) If this episode resonated with you or you heard something you know will help you evolve, please share it with someone you love and care about, team members across the world, or someone who you believe deeply could benefit from joining this discussion.

Bianca Thomas

(21:08) This content is intended for information purposes only. (21:11) It is not a substitute for professional counseling or psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment, and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. (21:23) Names and identifiable personal details mentioned in respective podcast episodes and stories may have been changed to protect personal privacy and identity.