#499 | The Real Reason People Give Up On Their Dreams (Part 2)

In today’s episode of Evolve Ventures Tech, we go deeper into why people give up on their dreams, especially when self-belief, shame, comparison, and the wrong support systems start shaping what feels possible. This episode pulls at the uncomfortable gap between wanting more and actually believing you are allowed to become more.

We explore the psychology of dream chasing, the quiet ways people attack themselves or others when faced with greatness, and why the right people in your corner can change the entire trajectory of your growth. If you have ever felt stuck between who you are and who you know you could become, this one will hit close. Bring your excuses, but do not expect them to leave alive.

Here’s a related episode that builds on today’s conversation:
#495 | The Real Reason People Give Up On Their Dreams - https://apple.co/4cLi1MQ

Learn more about:
🤝 Out of the Mud (OOTM) - "Why You Keep Second-Guessing Yourself" - https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/IykObX8eR7ixJaQ-qqZogw#/registration

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Show notes:
(3:15) Witnessing a rare level of self-belief
(10:02) When comparison turns inward
(18:05) What dream achievers know differently
(24:20) How belief can be experienced
(29:09) Why support shapes what feels possible
(35:27) The three S’s behind persistence
(36:40) Shame responses that block growth
(40:54) Becoming the best version of you
(45:19) Outro

***Leave them a 5-star review if you felt their energy, became inspired, or felt as though the value was added to your life in your EVOLUTION.

(Stay tuned for this coming Thursday’s episode!)

Transcript

Bianca Thomas

(0:00) We did an episode on the real reason why people give up on their dreams and we're going to do part two because I don't feel like we got enough in that. (0:13) So that is what we're going to get into today.

Emilia Smith

(0:15) Not only that, but we're going to dig a little bit deeper into the three, I had said three S's that will help you no longer give up on your dreams and we're going to dig a little bit deeper into each and every single one of those so that you can stop doing that dang thing.

Bianca Thomas

(0:32) Most of us are looking for hope, answers to the madness, certainty that we'll be okay and someone safe to help guide us through the most challenging parts of our lives. (0:43) In a world that's changing and evolving every single day where chaos, uncertainty and cycles we never chose wreak havoc on our lives. (0:54) It's easy to feel lost, hopeless and scared of what the future will hold.

Emilia Smith

(0:59) Evolve Ventures is here to provide that hope, direction and data-driven strategies to growth minded human beings just like you every Monday and Thursdays where each new episode is filled with vulnerable stories, interesting lessons and simple tools you can use that will help you evolve into the person you were always meant to be. (1:20) My name is Emilia and I'm Bianca and as the co-founders of Evolve Ventures, we are so grateful to be a part of your evolution. (1:28) Let's get into it.(1:29) Hey everybody, it's Bianca. (1:32) Welcome back, Evolvers. (1:33) It's Emilia and like Bianca said in the opening, we are here for 99, the real reason people give up on their dreams and this is a part two of what we felt was deeply incomplete back on episode 495.(1:53) So if you're joining us today, by the end of this episode is our intention to make sure that you get deeper behind the veil, if you will, behind the curtain of what we see when it comes to dream chasers versus dream achievers and what sets those apart specifically in the little nuances that likely are not talked about and you haven't found anywhere else. (2:16) So Bianca, my dear Bianca is going to be asking questions because she said before we got recording, Emilia, you just do not struggle with self-belief the way in which other people do. (2:26) Not at all.(2:26) And I corrected her. (2:28) I corrected her. (2:28) But I said, hey, hold on.(2:29) Wait a second. (2:30) My memory challenges I have struggled so deeply with and even to this day, I still deeply struggle from traumatic experiences in the recall department. (2:42) And so that I was vulnerable about and she said fair.(2:44) But when it comes to everything else, I will give her what she said. (2:49) I tend to have insane levels of self-belief. (2:52) So I hope that I just am able to reveal what when you have someone in your corner who has those levels of self-belief, how that can rub off on you, what you can benefit from by understanding the mindset underneath that.(3:07) And it's going to be Bianca's job to be the archaeologist in this instance. (3:12) So I'm excited.

Bianca Thomas

(3:15) Um, super random. (3:16) Have you ever seen the movie The Princess and the Frog, the Disney one with the with the black princess Tiana? (3:22) No, that's amazing.(3:24) Oh, all right. (3:25) Never mind. (3:25) There's a funny song in there.(3:27) It goes, you gotta dig a little deeper. (3:29) I thought you I figured you would love that.

Emilia Smith

(3:31) Should it be an evolved movie club? (3:33) No, probably. (3:34) OK, probably.

Bianca Thomas

(3:35) It's cute.

Emilia Smith

(3:36) So wicked cute. (3:37) All right.

Bianca Thomas

(3:37) But yes, you gotta dig deeper. (3:39) Thank you for that. (3:41) So.(3:44) I never in my life ever.

Bianca Thomas

(3:49) Have met someone before meeting Alan and Amelia. (3:52) I never met someone in my life who. (3:56) Believed in themselves the degree that you guys have like it's like.(4:04) It's kind of annoying because it's like. (4:10) In nothing, there's nothing you don't believe in yourself about like a lot of people who have high self-belief, they'll have high self-belief and like one or two areas, right? (4:22) It's like I'm highly competent in these areas.(4:25) I have a high degree of self-belief that I can, you know, achieve these things. (4:32) And in all the other areas of my life, like I believe in myself, but obviously not as much as here, right? (4:37) Like Kobe Bryant with basketball.(4:41) Eileen, what's her name?

Emilia Smith

(4:44) Gu.

Bianca Thomas

(4:45) Eileen Gu with the. (4:47) Oh, my God. (4:50) Skiing, skiing, skiing in the Olympics.(4:53) Phenomenal, right? (4:54) Like these people are known for this one thing. (4:57) They have a high degree of efficacy.(4:58) They have a high degree of belief. (5:01) In these arenas. (5:03) So when I met Alan and Amelia back in the day, it was annoying because.(5:11) Not only do you believe in yourself in all of these areas, but you're highly competent in all of these areas. (5:17) Like there's nothing you're not good at. (5:21) And.(5:23) This is why you don't tell anybody because they attack you for it. (5:26) You're just like, I'm going to stay over here and keep my mouth shut.

Emilia Smith

(5:28) I literally was just like, no, just zip it, Amelia. (5:32) Just let it be out there. (5:34) Just let it be out there.(5:36) Yeah.

Bianca Thomas

(5:37) So for someone like me back in the day who had. (5:42) Zero self-belief. (5:45) Zero competence and a very limited mindset on what I could accomplish.

Bianca Thomas

(5:53) It was it truly was devastating.

Emilia Smith

(5:59) Now.

Bianca Thomas

(6:01) I was not somebody and a lot of people do do this. (6:06) So I want to make sure that I put this out there. (6:08) I never attacked you guys for it.

Emilia Smith

(6:10) No, I just want to add to this day. (6:13) Like it is blown my mind for anyone that's listening. (6:17) Like Bianca has no idea.(6:19) She's just starting to get a glimmer, but I. (6:21) I have been attacked by people, villainized people, villainized by people, and deemed the worst person on earth by some people. (6:31) And what I've come to learn over time is that it's because of this.(6:37) And it's really not because of who I am, because they haven't had the courage to get close to me, but rather it is the comparison and the upwards comparison that is happening. (6:47) And so it is wild. (6:48) And to this day, I am.(6:51) So grateful that Bianca, you've been that one person that. (6:56) I know there's times where your parts do. (6:58) And I honestly, at this point, like I don't I don't I don't like I'm not surprised because like human nature is human nature.(7:06) And if I were to swap seats, I can I can understand. (7:10) But you have never attacked me directly ever for being as great as I am. (7:17) And that is one thing that I I don't know how to say it into words.(7:22) One of the most cherished aspects of our relationships is that because, man, that's been something.

Bianca Thomas

(7:33) Yeah.

Emilia Smith

(7:36) That's been something that hasn't been available to people. (7:40) And I say available because honestly, when I think about what you have to go through in order to like self-soothe to not attack the parts that want to like that skill, that is skill. (7:51) And you choose to do that.(7:52) Like that's been a choice. (7:53) That's been a conscious choice of yours. (7:55) And I'll I'll I'll never forget that.

Bianca Thomas

(7:59) I appreciate the recognition. (8:01) I appreciate your vulnerability. (8:03) And.(8:05) Yeah.

Bianca Thomas

(8:08) Unfortunately, for for many people who have high degrees of self-belief and competence, they do get horribly and injustly attacked for it. (8:20) I was on I was on with a client this morning who. (8:24) Yeah.(8:25) Is her own version of that. (8:26) She's always been insanely calm. (8:28) She this woman.(8:31) I was dying laughing. (8:33) She she took premed in college and then also took the. (8:44) GRE and the SAT and the only area that she didn't excel at was science.(8:51) So she's like, OK, that's what I'm going to go to school for. (8:54) I started dying laughing.

Emilia Smith

(8:56) I'm like. (8:56) Good for her.

Bianca Thomas

(8:57) Are you are you. (8:59) I'm going to say what I said. (9:00) I'm like, are you fucking kidding me?(9:02) She's like, what? (9:04) And I. (9:06) Doesn't even think about it.(9:07) And I'm dying laughing. (9:08) I'm like, you know, that's not normal. (9:10) Right.(9:10) And I'm like, you're sincerely amazing. (9:14) And her jaw hit the floor. (9:15) She's like, what?(9:16) I'm like, you're amazing. (9:19) That's amazing. (9:20) She started crying.(9:22) She's like, did I do something wrong by just telling you that? (9:25) I'm like, oh, my God, you poor freaking thing. (9:30) Yeah.(9:31) Because people who are highly competent like her and like you have gotten brutalized by people who have very low self-worth, very low self-belief. (9:43) And it's it sincerely makes this world a worse place. (9:48) So the reason we are saying all of this and the reason I brought all of this up was because when I first met Amelia, I was someone who I didn't believe in myself.(10:02) I didn't believe things were possible for me. (10:05) I didn't believe I was capable of anything. (10:07) And so meeting you, it was this massive shock for me because it was like, oh, my God, someone can believe in themselves that much.(10:20) Someone can be that good at things. (10:24) And I didn't attack you for it, but I attacked myself for it. (10:30) I was like, oh, my God, I'm this is evidence of how not good enough I am.(10:35) This is evidence of how incompetent I am. (10:38) This is evidence of I'm not a worthwhile person like someone like you exists. (10:44) Why the hell do I?(10:45) I don't deserve to be here. (10:47) And that was that was the truth of my thought processes back at the time. (10:53) A lot of people who struggle with self-belief, the reason they attack you is because of that.(11:00) But instead of having it be directed towards self the way that I did it, they'll attack you.

Emilia Smith

(11:07) So I had to learn that the hard way because none of the behavior made sense. (11:12) It like not it never made sense because and I just want to again to this episode show the other side of the equation. (11:21) I don't understand.(11:23) Well, I do understand now. (11:25) But back then, I didn't understand why finding something that is out there. (11:34) It's like seeing like I know this is kind of wild imagination here, but I'm going to put out there because this is who I am.(11:40) It's like seeing a dodo bird that's been extinct. (11:43) And the whole time you've been told that that bird that that endangered species, like it's been extinct, right? (11:50) That extinct species has been extinct.(11:52) So don't even you'll never come across it, right? (11:56) You've been told that your whole life. (11:57) And then all of a sudden, you're out on a hike and then you see a freaking dodo bird and you're like, what?(12:01) But it's different because it's a person. (12:05) So I know that people aren't going to connect to that. (12:07) But it's imagine that as a person, you've been told your whole life that you're not capable and you're not deserving and you're not enough to be able to be this amazing, incredible version of yourself.(12:17) And therefore, there's no ladder. (12:19) There's no staircase that you can imagine yourself moving up or climbing from a skill set and self-efficacy standpoint to be able to become your version of that. (12:28) So when you literally see that version, this is what what happened to you, like when you saw me and saw what was possible, it's like, oh, my goodness.(12:38) Instead of seeing the staircase or the ladder that you could then climb because now things are possible, right? (12:45) It wasn't possible for you. (12:47) So it was instead this swirl down of how you're not good enough, right?

Bianca Thomas

(12:50) It wasn't that things were possible, though. (12:53) It was, oh, my God, this thing is out there. (12:56) And I will never be able to get to that.(13:01) That is where the majority I'm going to use this metaphor. (13:04) This is going to sound horrible, but I can't think of another metaphor. (13:08) So please bear with me.(13:09) I am not insulting anybody in this. (13:11) I just cannot think of a better metaphor than this. (13:15) It's like all of us are donkeys walking around.

Bianca Thomas

(13:21) It's like all of us are donkeys walking around. (13:23) And we're all kind of like we like hate ourselves for the fact that we're donkeys.

Bianca Thomas

(13:34) Right. (13:34) And we look at and we look at like horses and we're like, oh, my God, horses are beautiful. (13:39) I could never be a horse.(13:40) So we have to like in our own little donkey world, like make ourselves feel better for the fact that we're donkeys. (13:47) And then you see like a fucking unicorn walk off. (13:49) And it's like, are you kidding me?(13:53) That's that's there. (13:54) That's real. (13:55) There's unicorns.(13:57) So it's like then you feel even worse about yourself because it's like, well, I'm already comparing to the horses that I could never be a horse. (14:06) And then you see a unicorn and it has all the magical powers and the thing can fly and it has like fairy dust coming out of its ass. (14:13) Like it's just this extraordinary experience.(14:18) I know.

Emilia Smith

(14:19) Whatever.

Bianca Thomas

(14:20) And then you're just like. (14:22) Oh, my God, are you kidding me? (14:25) So you have one of two options.(14:28) You either attack the unicorn or you attack yourself. (14:30) And most people aren't going to attack themselves because your psychological immune system is basically set up so that you never attack the self out of self-preservation. (14:41) So what do you do?(14:42) You attack the unicorn. (14:44) That's what the majority of people do. (14:47) And I.(14:51) For whatever reason that I don't believe is relevant for this, but like I know the reason, but like I never attacked you. (14:58) I leaned into it and I was like, I want to be around this person. (15:03) I want to.(15:05) I want to learn from this person. (15:07) I want to I want to like I want to get the chance to be in your life. (15:13) So I fought really hard for that.(15:16) Like I, I. (15:20) I tried to become the type of woman who was deserving of being in your life and getting to be in your corner and getting to have that like guidance and nurturance and whatever. (15:33) But the majority of people.(15:36) Will never do that. (15:38) And I completely understand, like there were so many times where I like my parts wanted to attack you, right? (15:47) Like F her.(15:48) It's not fair. (15:50) Why does she get to have this? (15:51) Why does she get to do that?(15:53) Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. (15:54) But it's like. (15:56) So so I get it and I understand why people.(16:00) Have that. (16:01) But the thing is, that's also why the majority of people are never going to achieve their dreams. (16:07) Yeah, because because they look at the people who can do it.(16:12) And I'm not speaking about the unethical people who lie, cheat and steal their way into success, because unfortunately, there's so many. (16:21) I'm talking about the people who actually earned it through grit and merit and hard work. (16:28) People see people like that and they just attack them because those narratives and those beliefs do come up of.(16:35) Oh, my God, I'm not capable of that. (16:40) I can't do that. (16:42) This is not possible for me.(16:45) So if you have a very fixed mindset of that, you're never going to put yourself in the arena to be exposed by that person. (16:53) Yep. (16:53) And then to seek guidance from them because you don't believe it's possible.(16:59) So why are you going to put yourself in an environment where it's not even possible and all you're going to do is get hurt?

Bianca Thomas

(17:06) Yeah, facts, facts. (17:13) From from the perspective of the person who. (17:17) Has been that her whole life.(17:21) And who has helped. (17:27) Thousands of people over the span of your life at this point.

Bianca Thomas

(17:32) Get to that place for themselves. (17:36) And again, I'm going to I'm going to. (17:38) I'm going to challenge you a little bit in this and pick your answers apart a little bit like to try to.(17:44) You have to because I know you personally don't understand, but I know clinically you do. (17:50) And it's it's hard to, like, communicate things in a in a personal way when you're speaking from the clinical and from the. (17:57) Yeah, from like the guide perspective.(18:00) But so from that guide perspective and from the perspective of the person who did do it. (18:08) What do you do? (18:11) And what do you like believe and or know that the rest of us do not?(18:17) And I'm asking this to kind of highlight the differences so that we can kind of pull from it and help people to do it for themselves in a way that they can do it for themselves the way that you did with me.

Emilia Smith

(18:29) OK, so are you asking, like, specifically, what do I do to like myself in order to never give up on my dreams? (18:37) Or what do I what do I do to others who would otherwise give up on their dreams?

Bianca Thomas

(18:42) What do you do first? (18:44) Like, what is your mentality? (18:45) What do you believe?(18:47) How does like how does Amelia Smith function? (18:50) And then I want to kind of pick that apart a little bit to then say, OK, how do we give that to other people so that they don't give up on their dreams so we can highlight the differences?

Emilia Smith

(19:01) Mm hmm. (19:01) OK, so one of the one of the deepest roots underneath that is I so kind of just on the aspect of belief, I hold the belief that I am deserving of good things and I deserve that good things can happen and can happen to me. (19:20) And the effort that.(19:22) I will put in. (19:25) Will be worth it, not just for me, but for other people. (19:29) I deeply believe in a life dedicated to serving others.(19:36) And I know. (19:38) As of this far, when I have really focused on. (19:44) Adding value to the world and kind of having my my own journey be something that helps to spin off value in the world for others.(19:58) I I've learned that that's the best way I can put it, like that's what keeps me going. (20:07) So to kind of pick that apart, that's an intrinsic motivator a little bit.

Bianca Thomas

(20:13) Why do you believe you're deserving of things, though? (20:15) And how do you know it's worth it? (20:18) Because that's I think those two things is what allows you to do the third, which is devoting yourself to this mission.(20:26) But like, why do you believe that? (20:29) Like, how did how did you believe that? (20:31) How did you get to the point where you knew that was true?(20:35) Because the majority of people do not believe they're deserving of good things and they don't believe that putting effort into something is going to be worth it. (20:43) So they're never going to set a dream like why and how did you get to that point?

Emilia Smith

(20:50) Um, so what I understand currently, what I've uncovered as of quite literally the last week is that I hold a deep belief that I am love. (21:04) Right. (21:05) So like.(21:06) That belief is just like and how I would articulate that is like, if I have a heartbeat, then that means nature believes in me in a way, you know, like I'm here. (21:19) And there's this deeper, quote unquote, call it spiritual. (21:24) But I do believe that it's far more science.(21:26) Like if if nature has put me into this blip of time right here and right now, like she believes in me. (21:33) And in that, I think that that's one of the core roots of my own personal metri, which is I have a heartbeat. (21:40) I have a pulse.(21:41) I'm able to breathe like I'm still alive and I'm this organism on Earth. (21:46) And so like if I have awareness to that essence, what can I do in order to serve in that space of gratitude for having that opportunity to be alive, having that opportunity to exist in this world? (22:04) I think that that's like the basic level that for me it comes down to.(22:08) So when when we come to deservancy and worth it, like that's the like we do the Socratic questioning, right? (22:16) The why, the why, the why, the why, the why? (22:17) I always kind of land on.(22:21) Nature believes in me. (22:23) And I believe in me and nature and me are the same thing. (22:27) And nature is love.(22:28) I am love. (22:29) It doesn't like that's just kind of the bottom layer I've ever gotten to go ahead.

Bianca Thomas

(22:34) Is that what you meant by is that what you meant in that RTC call that you, Alan and I had on Saturday? (22:41) Because when you said that, he looked at you like kind of crossheaded. (22:45) Is that what you meant by that?

Emilia Smith

(22:47) I think that this is my current understanding of what I meant by that, because I've never had to like I've never communicated that. (22:54) Because one of the things that I really like I'm realizing now more than ever is that that's not a belief that people hold at all.

Emilia Smith

(23:01) No.

Emilia Smith

(23:02) And and so it's like if I feel as though I have the entire force of nature at my back, you know, like think about the the cheat code that that gives me and in that that belief infusion with my own sense of self. (23:17) Deservancy.

Bianca Thomas

(23:19) Yeah, but where does that come from? (23:22) That I don't know. (23:23) That I don't know.(23:26) So how would you teach that to somebody else then?

Emilia Smith

(23:28) What I do. (23:29) Here's what I do know. (23:31) What I do know is that every single time I connect.(23:34) So I go into nature. (23:36) I like it's this indescribable feeling of like deeper connection with everything that is. (23:42) And I don't have to be in nature in order to feel it.(23:44) Right. (23:45) That's that's what in Chinese cultures is called the chi. (23:48) Like it's the energy.(23:49) Everything is matter. (23:50) And so like it's the awareness of your own matter. (23:54) And I'm saying that more in quantum physics realm, but I think it's actually funny because I matter.(23:59) Right. (23:59) Like I matter. (24:00) So like you are matter and therefore you matter.(24:06) It's kind of that. (24:07) I think therefore I am philosophical quote. (24:10) Where does that teach that?(24:14) Honestly, the only the only way in which I can add this current level of awareness teach that is. (24:23) Experientially, because I don't I don't think you can just like give people this. (24:27) This belief and expect them to believe it.(24:31) I think that for the large majority of individuals, they have to go experience that. (24:35) So you might be like, OK, so you're going to go put someone in the woods and ask them to connect their avatar hair into the tree. (24:40) Amelia, like what?(24:42) It's like, no, but like if over time, right, like nature therapy is so important because it connects you back to that that. (24:50) I call it the significance, the significant insignificance.

Emilia Smith

(24:55) Mm hmm.

Emilia Smith

(24:55) When you feel when life feels really big and overwhelming, go to some place in nature that is vast. (25:03) You like nature is the greatest equalizer. (25:05) There's so much in that.(25:07) So how do you teach that? (25:09) One of the biggest things that actually in like the sitting down clinical setting and through conversation, that's why words can be so powerful. (25:16) Energy is so powerful.(25:17) What you bring with you, what you cultivate in your head is the cultivation of that energy. (25:23) And so that's why thoughts matter so much to the human experience, because what you think is what your brain believes. (25:30) So the thoughts construct your emotional experience, which then literally rewire your brain to then feedback this loop of behavior that then generate more thoughts.(25:39) So in that circular, quote unquote, CBT triad. (25:42) Right. (25:42) I think it's so powerful because we are we have the ability to steward our own thoughts.(25:49) In other words, root, pull out the roots of our own garden, pull out the limiting beliefs that we have, even if we have literally like roots that don't want to come out of the quote unquote metaphorical brain soil mass. (26:02) But the truth is. (26:04) Most people will never have been taught that they have that ability.(26:08) Right. (26:09) Most people don't believe in their deservingness or in their ability to achieve their dreams because they to that that the last episode that we did, the part one, they were never given the pen. (26:22) They were never given the pen, whether it was from the people that raised them in their development, their parents, their grandparents, whatever.(26:29) They did not have that belief. (26:30) And I personally believe it's because they are so wildly disconnected from nature. (26:35) When you look at nature, like nature is the most incredible study ever.(26:40) What is possible through nature is unbelievable. (26:44) Everything that we know that's been created, quote unquote manmade, was nature made first, always and forever. (26:50) And so that that potential, right.(26:54) If we want to get into like the actual cellular potential that there is, we have the ability to cultivate that. (27:00) We are the stewards of our own lives. (27:03) But we don't believe we are and we don't believe we are deserving.(27:08) So therefore, we don't. (27:09) And therefore, it literally becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. (27:12) Yeah.

Bianca Thomas

(27:12) But how do you get someone to believe it? (27:14) So someone like if I did attack you back in the day or if I have attacked you up to this point, right, like let's assume that that was the type of person that I was and I did end up doing something like that and I attacked you to the point where like. (27:32) We never would have gotten here.(27:36) Yeah. (27:36) How would someone like me in that reality ever get to the place where I could eventually believe that things were possible for me, that I could get to a place where I believed I was deserving of things, that I was inherently good enough, inherently deserving so much so that I could set a dream for myself and go achieve it?

Emilia Smith

(28:02) It's a great question.

Bianca Thomas

(28:03) And I know it's I know it's a big question and this is a big question. (28:07) This is a really big conversation. (28:08) It's why we wanted to do a part two of this.(28:11) How have you taught people that who were not inherently that?

Emilia Smith

(28:18) Right. (28:18) So one of the biggest things that we I find that we don't know and we don't come to understand about ourselves, which becomes the barrier of. (28:29) Believing in your dreams and pursuing that actively on the day to day.(28:33) Especially when it gets tough, is that the barriers that represent that is so, yes, belief, but one of the S's that I talked about in our last episode was. (28:47) Support. (28:49) If you weren't to be here and you were to eventually have your dream and go pursue it, I would wager and I would put money on it that you would pursue it to the degree that the people around you believed in your pursuit.(29:02) Why is that? (29:03) It's very similar. (29:05) And I'm going to draw a similar comparison to what is known as the mycelium network.(29:12) So the mycelium network is essentially this an underground network that plants communicate through. (29:19) They feed each other nutrients so that when you see a tree in the forest that is struggle bus that is dying, et cetera, et cetera, its roots are sending out signals through the mycelium network that is essentially asking other trees and other plants. (29:32) Hey, can I have some of your nutrients?(29:34) Because I'm on the struggle bus, right? (29:36) This is super like grossly overgeneralized botany. (29:41) And to that degree, that tree has that level of support system.(29:47) So we as human beings, we operate in a very similar degree in some parallel, right? (29:53) Our support network feeds us nutrients. (29:57) And that is why the large majority of people will focus on who to get around rather than to develop the skill and then eventually get around the who.(30:05) So your support network, your pursuit of your dreams would be capped or opened up based on the who that you surround yourself with. (30:14) So I do believe you get to maybe level one or level two of your dreams, but I don't think you'd actually bust your own belief system on the lid of that. (30:21) Because I do think that the people that you surround yourself with, and understandably so, they can only believe in you to the extent that they believe in themselves.(30:29) And that's one of the hard truths about dream chasers. (30:34) One of the hard truths that dream chasers understand is that, I was thinking this in the shower this morning, like one of the hard truths is that people can become your greatest, greatest fuel in your dreams, or they can become the greatest toxins to your dreams. (30:49) And here's why.(30:50) At the deepest, most fundamental level, people are really good at projecting. (30:54) So whatever my belief system is, I'm going to inherently project that out for the world to believe in. (30:59) Like right now, I believe that things are possible.(31:02) Things are possible for you, Bianca, Thomas. (31:05) Things are possible for the listeners, and it'll be worth it with the right guidance with the right support, right? (31:10) And I hold that belief.(31:11) So I'm projecting that into this world. (31:14) Everyone projects their own belief systems. (31:17) 99% of people have zero awareness that they're doing that though.(31:20) And so when you get around the people that you're around, everyone listening to this, you are the byproduct of the belief systems that they hold on an unconscious level. (31:30) That is why when you go to try to exercise, or that's why when you go try to lose weight, you can literally mathematically map out if you're going to do that and how successful you'll be because of how unconsciously the people in your corner believe about their ability to go lose weight. (31:50) So who you surround yourself with?(31:52) There's so many studies here. (31:54) Bianca, it's all about that. (31:56) Okay.(31:56) Outside of that, let's say what would I teach someone else? (32:00) One of the biggest things.

Bianca Thomas

(32:02) Go ahead. (32:02) Number one, it's the inherent beliefs you already have about yourself and the level that you're at. (32:08) And then number two, who you have surrounded yourself with either consciously or unconsciously.

Emilia Smith

(32:15) Right. (32:15) Because their belief system will cap yours. (32:17) Yes.(32:17) They'll either cap yours. (32:19) Picture like a glass lid, like a glass jar. (32:22) You will feel that glass ceiling of the belief systems.(32:25) Or they on their own accord are growth minded and belief busters and they are dream chasers, in which case they actively seek out to remove that cap all the time, all the time. (32:37) Like that client you mentioned, she literally found the one area where she sucked in and she wasn't excelling and she said, I'm going to go bust down that belief system there. (32:46) I'm going to go get better.(32:47) That is a hyper growth mindset, which is a culmination of beliefs. (32:53) Right. (32:54) And about the ability, I believe in my ability with enough time and effort.(32:59) Over time, I will learn something. (33:01) I will grow. (33:01) I will get better.(33:03) That's that hyper growth mindset where someone with a fixed mindset is actively putting on the lid because your growth will be a byproduct. (33:11) It will be a representation of what they're unwilling to do because their belief system. (33:14) So the second thing, the barriers to building and chasing after your dreams, aka one of the things that most people give up on is when they have that, oh, my goodness, there's a unicorn out there.(33:27) So let's say this episode is that, right? (33:29) You see the unicorn, right? (33:31) You see that.(33:31) Holy shit. (33:32) There are women, two women who have never given up on their dreams. (33:35) OK, there's one woman who was referred to herself as a donkey.(33:41) I was a donkey. (33:43) That's what it is. (33:44) Referred to the other as a unicorn.(33:46) And I've gotten. (33:48) And just for the listeners, like, I've gotten a unicorn, probably like. (33:52) I can't even count like you're a magic god, godmother.(33:56) Like, I don't know what you do. (33:58) Glitter coming out of your ass because I don't know how you did this. (34:01) You are the unicorn.(34:03) Like, I've never seen anything like it. (34:05) So, like, I've gotten that. (34:06) So this is like an actual inside joke that Bianca and I also have.

Bianca Thomas

(34:09) I just I want to make sure that everyone knows. (34:11) I'm not calling you a donkey. (34:13) Like, I'm sorry if that came out that way.(34:15) I said it was going to be a terrible metaphor.

Emilia Smith

(34:17) Hey, I had the dodo bird. (34:19) So y'all like it's OK. (34:20) We're we're imperfect here.(34:21) We're just trying to we're just trying to serve. (34:24) Oh, my goodness. (34:26) But to that end.(34:27) So one of the things that I have helped other people to learn outside of that one. (34:32) Right. (34:32) Support is number one.(34:34) For me, the syntax is this. (34:36) And I said this in our last episode. (34:37) Number one, S is Sisu.(34:39) Have an unrelenting, indomitable belief in yourself to never give up. (34:44) That is the first thing that I hold to myself. (34:46) The second thing is, is do not get sucked in.(34:50) So anything that does not serve your goals and dreams or bettering your belief system, get it out of the way. (34:56) I do not get sucked in and B.S. That does not have to do with my dreams and goals to a detriment sometimes of my social life. (35:03) Actually, honestly, I'm totally OK, because I don't really quite have that social life.(35:08) And that's OK, because I am fucking laser focused. (35:11) Everyone's like, what are you up to? (35:12) Focused.(35:13) What are you up to? (35:14) It'll work. (35:15) Going to brunch.(35:17) Like, OK, so then number three, number three is is support. (35:22) What I've learned is that flip that syntax. (35:24) And that's likely if you're someone who has struggled to go and pursue your dreams, likely it's because Sisu, that belief, indomitable belief about yourself is going to be the last thing that you cultivate.(35:36) Trust me, not getting sucked in is going to be the second last thing. (35:41) The first thing that I want you to focus on is the support. (35:44) So that's what we just mentioned.(35:45) So the second thing, the second thing, do not get sucked in. (35:49) This has to do with the shame response. (35:51) So it made everything made so much more sense when I understood shame and how shame motivates us.(35:58) So, Bianca, what you mentioned earlier, when you saw that that unicorn and you had that experience and you were in that, quote, unquote, chasm of do I attack myself or do I attack her? (36:10) Right. (36:10) That is essentially representative of what's called a shame response, because underneath the emotional experience that's happening is right to your belief systems.(36:20) I this is evidence that I'm not good enough. (36:22) Right. (36:23) And with that good enough emotion to keep that true, your psychological immune system wraps that I'm not good enough in shame.(36:30) And so picture kind of like that psychological immune system wrapped in this like black, like gooey, gross stuff that just holds you down. (36:39) Tar. (36:39) Yeah.(36:40) Oil, whatever. (36:41) And that shame activates your psychological immune system, which essentially goes into one of four different responses. (36:50) You attack others, which would be attacking the unicorn.(36:53) You attack yourself, which is, say, I'm not good enough, et cetera. (36:56) And you stay there. (36:57) You avoid it altogether.(36:59) So you never want to go around the unicorn and never want to get feedback about yourself or you withdraw and get defensive. (37:05) And so Bianca went into the attack self. (37:09) Most people go into the attack others.(37:11) So if you are attacking others. (37:13) All all of these responses to when you see something that's possible for you, notice that it's your psychological immune system trying to do its best to not have you dedicate more resources than it believes that it's capable of dedicating to this dream. (37:30) And if you were to admit that I am capable of growth, I am capable and deserving, even though it's not going to feel true to your belief systems at all, right?(37:43) Then you would actually start to move out of shame. (37:47) But how do you do that? (37:48) How do you not get sucked into the slew of shame?(37:51) The number one thing and I know this is going to be like, really? (37:55) And to kind of round this episode out, compassion is the biggest antidote to shame. (38:02) And when you grow up with belief systems that don't believe in in your deservancy, that don't believe in your enoughness, that don't believe in your capabilities, you are riddled with shame and you don't realize it.(38:15) You don't realize it and you won't realize it until someone has the belief system and understands how shame works in the nervous system and can help demystify all of this so that you can actually accept some compassion in your life for yourself. (38:30) I really don't feel good enough, but that doesn't mean you need to slander yourself. (38:33) OK, so compassion is one of the biggest ways in which and how is a whole nother episode, but how I work compassion into the nervous system of clients.(38:44) That ironically is like the the lubricant that helps open maybe a fixed mindset to a growth mindset, a limiting belief individual who's not chasing their dream to someone who's open to things are possible and things are possible for me and things are worth it. (39:02) Right. (39:02) Because at the fundamental, we go back down to where we land is that I'm deserving of change.(39:08) I am enough as I am. (39:11) I matter. (39:14) So with that being said, there's so much more in this, but don't get sucked into the shame spiral.(39:19) That's what I would say for anyone to kind of close this out and round this out. (39:23) When you notice yourself attacking self, attacking others, withdrawing, avoiding getting defensive. (39:28) Right.(39:28) That's your that's your nervous system essentially saying, hey, this is a growth zone for me and I currently hold beliefs that I don't believe that I can grow out of this. (39:37) I can't chase my dreams, which is just absolute BS. (39:41) And so that's where you can offer yourself a little bit of compassion.(39:45) And if you don't know how to do that, get someone in your corner because that's that's the support. (39:49) Right. (39:50) And that person will help you develop your own version of Sisu, which is what Bianca is a living, breathing testament of all those three.

Bianca Thomas

(39:59) Definitely on our way. (40:03) I would not have been here if it wasn't for you. (40:06) I know I've said that before, but it just is the truth.

Bianca Thomas

(40:08) Like, yeah, if. (40:11) If it were up to me from the time that I had met Emilia, like if I didn't meet Emilia and my life went down the road that. (40:23) It would have.(40:26) It scares me thinking about where I would have been like genuinely to the point where I don't even let myself think about it because it, you know, it truly terrifies me where I would have been and where I could have been and not attacking you. (40:43) And like genuinely wanting to learn from you allowed me to be in the space that I'm in today that I'm just so. (40:52) Just so unbelievably grateful for, like, I think one of the hardest things of my life has been having to admit to myself that I will never be like you.(41:05) It's just and that is not a limiting belief. (41:07) That is the truth based on based on everything. (41:12) It just is the truth.(41:14) And it's a truth I've been fighting against for the last eight years since we've met because I didn't want to believe it. (41:21) Like I wanted to convince myself of a narrative that I. (41:25) I was supposed to be like you, that I should be like you, that I could be like you and to have to admit to myself, because I honestly I did feel like a donkey.(41:36) I felt like a jackass half the time. (41:38) It was just like I can never be like that. (41:43) I never will be like that.(41:46) I'm never going to I'm never going to be like this. (41:52) Extraordinary woman who I sincerely hold as my idol, like you are.

Bianca Thomas

(42:01) You are.

Bianca Thomas

(42:02) You're my idol. (42:03) Like I, I admire you so much. (42:07) And it's like I'm never going to get to be like that.(42:11) And just having to sit.

Emilia Smith

(42:13) And what do I tell you?

Bianca Thomas

(42:14) So having to sit in that was so hard. (42:19) But like the last few years have really been you can never be like her, but you can be the best version of you. (42:26) And and doing what I can to actually believe that and then own it and then become the greatest version of me is my path in this life.(42:41) And it's it's the path that anyone listening to this episode is going to need to take for them. (42:48) You're never going to be Emilia Smith and Emilia Smith is never going to be any of you. (42:53) So who are you?(42:54) Who can you be? (42:56) What can you add and provide to this life? (43:00) And then how can you set yourself up with the conditions to be able to do that and become that and have that?(43:11) We do need to close this out because I know we're both probably late for a call. (43:14) So any final thoughts before we wrap up? (43:16) Also, thank you for this.(43:17) I know talking about this stuff is not easy for you because of how much you've been attacked. (43:22) So like thank you for your openness and vulnerability in talking about this stuff. (43:27) I can't imagine how hard it must be.(43:30) So thank you.

Emilia Smith

(43:31) Thanks, Bea. (43:32) Yeah. (43:33) Yeah.(43:33) It's definitely uncomfortable, but things don't change if you don't change. (43:38) Right. (43:39) So grateful to it.(43:41) And I hope that everyone was able to take a little bit of a golden nugget out. (43:44) So as I kind of prep my notes for my next clients, my closing sentiment is get around someone who believes in you more than you believe in yourself. (43:57) Like I said, of those three S's, you're likely going to have the syntax of support.(44:01) Don't get sucked in. (44:03) And then the Sisu gets cultivated over time. (44:05) But without the who that believes in you, none of those are going to be possible.(44:11) So we're grateful that you joined us for this one. (44:13) And our episode suggestion is.

Bianca Thomas

(44:18) 495, the real reason people give up on their dream is part one. (44:21) Amelia and I both gave the same suggestion.

Emilia Smith

(44:24) Nice. (44:25) All right, listeners. (44:25) Evolvers, keep evolving.(44:28) And as always, thank you for your interest in the science of holistic mental health. (44:32) We are so grateful that you're on this journey with us. (44:35) Chase those dreams.(44:37) Bye. (44:41) We know firsthand how important it is to have a safe space with people who support and celebrate your evolution. (44:48) That's why we created our free live virtual event called Out of the Mud that we host the last Wednesday of every single month, 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, so that while you venture into new territories of your growth, you can get in a room with others who are too. (45:05) Extraordinary topics with evolved people. (45:07) That's what this event is all about. (45:10) What's great, too, is that you don't even need to have your camera or mic on.(45:14) You can just listen in. (45:15) Click the link in the show notes to register for the next topic to kickstart your growth.

Bianca Thomas

(45:19) Be on the lookout for our IG Lives that we host every Friday at 1230 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (45:27) This is a place where you can connect with us live and in a fun, lighthearted way. (45:32) We are also in the process of rolling out group coaching and online courses.(45:36) And these are sure to help you evolve into a greater version of yourself.

Emilia Smith

(45:42) If this episode resonated with you or you heard something you know will help you evolve, please share it with someone you love and care about, team members across the world, or someone who you believe deeply could benefit from joining this discussion.

Bianca Thomas

(45:56) This content is intended for information purposes only. (45:59) It is not a substitute for professional counseling or psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment, and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. (46:11) Names and identifiable personal details mentioned in respective podcast episodes and stories may have been changed to protect personal privacy and identity.