#497 | Why We Struggle Expressing Love

Love is easy to feel and strangely hard to say. In today’s episode, we get underneath the hesitation, the awkwardness, and the invisible emotional math that makes affection feel riskier than it should. What looks like being tongue-tied is often something deeper, where nervous system wiring, old family scripts, and the fear of what comes next quietly shape how love gets expressed.

This episode stays close to the raw edge between closeness and self-protection, and why saying what matters can feel far more exposing than silence. Press play before your nervous system files this one under “maybe later.”

Download the Digital Asset:
The 25 Love Languages

Here are related episodes that build on today’s conversation:
#473 | The Tools You Need to Stop Emotionally Numbing - https://apple.co/46impk3
#448 | What REAL Validation Looks Like - https://apple.co/4hECPHQ

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Show notes:
(2:37) Why expressing love feels so hard
(4:50) The fear underneath vulnerable words
(8:23) How childhood shapes emotional safety
(10:40) Cultural scripts around saying "I love you"
(15:42) The deeper pattern across cultures
(18:04) Finding your unique language of love
(22:51) Outro

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(Stay tuned for this coming Thursday’s episode!)

Transcript

Bianca Thomas

(0:00) Brene Brown has this really beautiful quote that she says, it goes, vulnerability is the first thing that I want to see in you, but the last thing that I want you to see in me. (0:13) In today's episode, we're going to unpack why that is.

Emilia Smith

(0:18) Because expressing love to others is slightly more than being just tongue tied.

Bianca Thomas

(0:25) Most of us are looking for hope, answers to the madness, certainty that we'll be okay, and someone safe to help guide us through the most challenging parts of our lives. (0:36) In a world that's changing and evolving every single day, where chaos, uncertainty, and cycles we never chose wreak havoc on our lives, it's easy to feel lost, hopeless, and scared of what the future will hold.

Emilia Smith

(0:52) Evolve Ventures is here to provide that hope, direction, and data-driven strategies to growth-minded human beings just like you, every Monday and Thursdays, where each new episode is filled with vulnerable stories, interesting lessons, and simple tools you can use that will help you evolve into the person you were always meant to be. (1:14) My name's Emilia, and I'm Bianca, and as the co-founders of Evolve Ventures, we are so grateful to be a part of your evolution. (1:21) Let's get into it.(1:23) Hey everybody, it's Bianca. (1:25) Welcome back, Evolvers. (1:27) It's Emilia.(1:27) For episode 497, Why We Struggle Expressing Love, Bianca is going to pick my brain, pull from my experiences, so that you, dear listener, are going to get the goodies when it comes to expressing love, figuring out how to do that, and all the throngs in between the challenges there. (1:47) So, do tell me.

Bianca Thomas

(1:50) So, I have a client that I've been seeing for a while, and looking at her, you would never think that she is like the biggest love bug ever, but she is, because she looks like she'd be a biatch, for lack of a better phrase, and she's not. (2:10) She's super sweet, super funny, can be very crass and whatnot, but it's a good balance. (2:20) Those are my favorite kinds of people.(2:23) And she was telling me this story about Valentine's Day, which was, by the time this comes out, it's like- About a month ago. (2:31) Two months ago. (2:33) Yeah.(2:34) Yeah, well over two months ago. (2:35) This is coming out in April. (2:37) And she did this whole beautiful thing for her friends and her partner.(2:43) So, she did this family friends Valentine's Day party.

Emilia Smith

(2:48) Cute.

Bianca Thomas

(2:48) And she made these really beautiful boxes for everybody, and they all had personal sentimental gifts in there.

Emilia Smith

(2:57) So pretty.

Bianca Thomas

(2:57) She's a party designer, so she decorated the entire room, and she did all of these really beautiful things. (3:06) And she'd made everybody stand in a circle and tell each other something that they loved about each other. (3:16) And I wrote down- Yeah, it was awesome.(3:21) And her friends looked at her like she had 17 heads. (3:25) They're like, what the actual fluff are you making us do? (3:30) Uh-huh.(3:35) And, I'm not going to say what I was about to say. (3:38) She said that every single one of them, and I'm looking at my notes because I took notes on some of the stuff that they said. (3:43) One of them started getting anxious and said, I don't speak in front of people about things like this.(3:48) Another one just said, I don't like talking. (3:51) And every single one of them was uncomfortable because the idea of actually expressing a kindness or sweetness or love to each other, especially in a public setting, felt so uncomfortable and so taboo to them that they were all literally shaking, like having panic symptoms.

Emilia Smith

(4:16) Oh my.

Bianca Thomas

(4:18) So she forced them to do it anyways, which I was like, good for you, sis, pop off. (4:21) And they all ended up doing it. (4:23) And they're like all boohooing to each other.(4:26) And like, it's all love and it's all really beautiful. (4:30) And it was amazing. (4:33) And I was like, what did you learn from that?(4:35) And she was like, I don't understand why they struggle so much just sharing those things. (4:41) Like, I know they love me. (4:43) They know I love them.(4:45) Why is it so hard to say it? (4:48) That's where this episode came from. (4:50) And I want to pick your brain on that because this is not a unique experience to these people.(4:58) This is a human experience. (5:02) We are absolutely terrified of showing love, of showing vulnerability, of expressing love in these ways. (5:12) And I get it because I'm scared shitless of it, too.(5:16) Like, I hate it. (5:17) I don't want to embarrass myself or be rejected. (5:23) So, like, I know for me, that's where it comes from, plus a bunch of other things.(5:27) But, Amelia, why are we so scared of this? (5:31) Why is it so hard for people to be like, I love you. (5:35) I care about you.(5:36) Here's all the reasons why.

Emilia Smith

(5:37) Right. (5:39) You know, what's so funny is that you literally just spoke to one of the biggest reasons why we struggle expressing love. (5:46) It's far less on the expression side that we are fearful of.(5:54) And it's far more as a human being, we are terrified of what happens after we express it. (6:02) So, think about it. (6:04) Like, if you're going to express something to someone, like a very deep, personal, intimate sentiment to someone that you deeply care about, and your focal point is less on the expressing part, but more on unconsciously on what happens after you share that vulnerability.(6:29) That triggers your nervous system, because what happens if someone doesn't say it back or it's not reciprocated? (6:36) And so your unconscious is far less concerned about trying to say it, although it feels like that in the moment. (6:43) You're like, I don't know how to get these words out of me.(6:44) It's because there's a part of you that is preempting the rejection on the other side of when you do say something that is deeply vulnerable and close to the vest, for lack of better words. (6:58) Because rejection, that is such a terrifying feeling to the nervous system. (7:03) And, or if someone doesn't feel the same way about you, like that is devastation.(7:08) Like that's not just rejection, that's terror, but that's also devastation to the nervous system. (7:12) What happens when I love you and you don't love me back? (7:15) Or you don't love me in the same way as that I love you.(7:18) I'm then confronted the reality that we are two different beings, and we have some degree of disconnect that I'm not aware of, but only by me speaking about what I love about you, I'm not aware of. (7:28) So what I find in working with couples when it comes to working with individuals around this topic of love and expressing love, the expression is just the symptom and the struggle of the expression of love is just the symptom of a far deeper root that is there. (7:45) The rejection of not being loved back and the fear of not being loved back and the terror and the devastation that comes with being, quote unquote, vulnerable and expressing what you truly think and believe to someone else that you deeply care about and that not being reciprocated.(7:59) And so we end up struggling on our words, right? (8:02) Like I said at the very beginning, it's not just about being tongue tied. (8:05) That is a symptom of a deeper root of emotional distress and duress that happens when there is this.(8:10) I just said it out loud to the friend that I love and they don't feel it back or they don't express it back to me in a way in which I know that they love me at the level of time that I love them. (8:22) And that's terrifying to our nervous system. (8:23) And so what happens when we have grown up and or had a ton of social exposures into where that's not expressed to what you just mentioned?(8:34) Like people don't say I love you. (8:36) Like I have so many clients whose parents never said I love you to them, which for me is just like out of this world. (8:40) Because if you're a child, you need to hear that, right?(8:43) Like you need. (8:44) I'm not just saying like, oh, it would be nice. (8:46) Like I remember speaking with a client.(8:48) It's like, no, like I thought I just like I was a needy kid. (8:51) It's like, no, you had needs to know that you were relevant in the emotional sphere of your parents for basic levels of attachment and nervous system attunement. (9:02) But like that's a biological need, not this quote unquote neediness that you've convinced yourself you have to be in order to receive love because your caregivers were neglectful.(9:12) So when you have all these experiences, right, of course, it's going to be your on your your. (9:21) Excuse me, there's a lack of practice. (9:23) And so when you have a lack of practice and then you have that combined with the nervous system terror on the other side of when you do practice per this client's experience, which good on her.(9:33) I can imagine how literally uncomfortable the temperature of the room was and the panic symptoms that were there were that symptom of their nervous system saying, hey, oh, my goodness, these are the moments where we're going to express ourselves. (9:47) We're going to be vulnerable. (9:49) And what we've our nervous system has remembered and all of our experiences is last time we were vulnerable, there was pain and devastation and complete emotional dysregulation.(9:59) In other words, emotional duress. (10:02) When we did so.

Bianca Thomas

(10:04) I have a couple of things that I want to say, so I was I didn't want to bring this up, but I do think that it's relevant to this. (10:10) So they were all black, so they're all of like Haitian descent, I believe, or one one of the islands like that. (10:18) And she was saying, like, we don't talk like that in our culture, in our families.(10:25) Like, I have a lot of people. (10:27) I have a lot of like black friends from the past. (10:29) I have a lot of people from like African descent that I used to know a lot of ethnic cultures.(10:34) You don't verbalize words of affirmation. (10:37) You don't verbalize love. (10:39) You don't show that.(10:40) So for her to do this with all of them, it was like an added. (10:45) What the hell are you doing? (10:46) We don't do this.

Emilia Smith

(10:48) Yeah. (10:48) Now trying to pace you at us. (10:50) Like, what are you trying to do?(10:53) And I just say that. (10:54) That's funny.

Bianca Thomas

(10:55) That's funny. (10:57) I had a client who when she was a little girl, she told her mom she loved her. (11:04) And her mom looked her dead in the eye because she was waiting.(11:08) And she's like, what are you waiting for me to say it back? (11:10) And she was like, yeah. (11:12) And the client's mom goes, you don't tell someone you love them to hear it back.(11:18) Go to your room. (11:20) Or she like pushed her away or something like that.

Emilia Smith

(11:22) And I'm like, damn, that will forever lock it.

Bianca Thomas

(11:29) Lock it down. (11:29) My gosh. (11:31) Your little girl is looking at you telling you she loves you and you cannot say it back.(11:37) You are that incapable of emotional intimacy that you cannot tell your daughter you love her. (11:43) And you're trying to like give her a lesson in this. (11:46) That's wild.

Emilia Smith

(11:50) Talk about projections.

Bianca Thomas

(11:51) That is a, from my experiences and other component to this. (11:58) So number one, it's the fear of the social rejection. (12:02) But number two and why I wanted to bring up their heritage and their descent was there's so many family systems.(12:11) There are so many cultures. (12:13) There are so many ethnicities and religions and whatever that will push this idea that you don't verbalize love. (12:22) I'm not going to tell you I love you.(12:24) I'm not going to tell you I care about you. (12:26) I put a roof over your head. (12:28) I work every single day.(12:30) I do all of these things. (12:31) That should be enough. (12:34) And, you know, what's a beautiful example of this, which I don't know if anyone is going to know this reference and that's fine.(12:40) You ever see the movie Fiddler on a Roof? (12:42) No. (12:43) Oh, it's so good.(12:45) It's a musical. (12:45) And it's basically like this family. (12:48) I don't know where they're located, but they're Jewish.(12:51) And, like, they're in the hall of, like, the Nazis are coming and, like, they need to flee. (12:58) But it's like a musical about, like, family origins and, like, the roles of the family and so on and so forth. (13:06) And there's this scene where the father is singing to the mother and he's like, do you love me?(13:13) And she's like, what do you mean, do I love you? (13:15) They're, like, bickering the entire movie. (13:18) And he's like, do you love me?(13:20) And she's like, do I love you? (13:22) 25 years I've washed for you. (13:24) I've cleaned for you.(13:25) I've cooked for you. (13:26) I bore your children. (13:28) I did all of these things.(13:29) What do you mean, do you love me? (13:31) I mean, do I love you? (13:32) And then toward the end, they end up saying it, whatever.(13:35) But, like, that is a very common thing. (13:39) It is a very common thing. (13:41) I'm not going to tell you I love you.(13:43) Like, I'm not going to tell you nice things to you. (13:46) I'm not going to tell you you're pretty. (13:48) Like, I'm not going to do this.(13:49) I'm not going to do that. (13:50) Like, and you're too much for asking for it. (13:53) So it's, I appreciate your sentiment.(13:57) It's the fears of rejection. (13:58) It's the fears of what is the reaction going to be from the other person? (14:04) And am I actually safe expressing this?(14:07) Because what are you going to do in response? (14:09) And then also, what were the narratives that I, the narratives and the experiences that I had growing up about verbal expressions of intimacy, affection, love, care, so on and so forth. (14:26) If you grew up in a home where your parent looks you dead in the eye and says, I'm not telling you I love you just because you said it to me.(14:36) Yeah, you're probably never going to want to say it. (14:38) You're probably never going to want to show care and love and affection. (14:41) So to kind of start putting this in a bow a little bit, Amelia, what have you recommended to clients who have this fear on either side of the pendulum, pendulum, pendulum, where it's out of the fear of rejection or like what's going to happen to them as a byproduct or it's as a result of their upbringing narratives, so on and so forth.

Emilia Smith

(15:06) I wanted to comment on that, and it ties into your question, because I have worked with people from so many different cultures and so many different geographic locations to where mixing of cultures like I have worked with clients that have been in Finland, Southeast Asian countries, Australia, New Zealand, Africa, Zimbabwe, like India, China. (15:35) Japan, like I can continuously list Switzerland, like many different Mexico, like literally. (15:45) Almost every single country, I feel like I've worked with someone in this on.(15:50) And the comment that I wanted to add on that is the cultural conditioning around how we express love. (15:57) It's so valid. (15:57) It's so true.(15:59) There's so many philosophies around expressions of love. (16:02) And how do you do that? (16:03) Like, for example, a client from Italy, right.(16:06) You express love by finishing your plate. (16:11) You do not leave anything on that plate. (16:13) If there's food out, you eat it.(16:15) Right. (16:15) And so we all have different experiences of. (16:20) Well, maybe not all of us, but interacting with different cultures and how you show love.(16:25) But what I want to say is no matter what culture, if I were to peel back the blinds of that culture and just look at it from a psychology standpoint, the through line is true. (16:35) The through line is true to what I said earlier, because the emotions, there's a fear, there's a concern for rejection. (16:41) And so regardless of what culture you're coming from or how expressions of love were culturally conditioned into your upbringing, at the end of the day, the emotions that people are experiencing behind the scenes, even though they might never admit to it.(16:57) And there might be whole cultural heritage based stories that have lasted for generations as to why we don't verbalize specifically expressing love. (17:06) Right. (17:07) That one of the deepest truths that that no one will ever tell you that I can attest to with so many people is deep down.(17:15) There is a fear of when you do express love that is not going to be returned. (17:21) And we're talking about communication. (17:23) Right.(17:23) So expressing via verbal or written. (17:26) Right. (17:27) So dialect.(17:28) So so to that end, what I recommend and what I found to be of use for cultures across the globe is recognizing love languages look very different for not only every single culture. (17:47) But also every single person. (17:49) And so I know it's very Western of me to say love languages.(17:57) Right. (17:58) And I recognize that. (18:00) However, one of the recommendations that I realize the science does show on and from a psychology standpoint is the fact that when you can recognize that you feel loved and you express love to others in a very unique way, that is like your thumbprint.(18:20) Right. (18:21) Like it's very unique to you when you understand that formula and what is unique for the way in which you feel love and the way in which you express love to others. (18:30) That's a really important data point from a self-awareness standpoint, which is where Alan and I's 25 conscious couples love languages worksheet comes in.(18:38) And that worksheet I'll link below that has been tremendous for not just conscious couples, but individuals understanding their own love language. (18:46) And when you go through that activity sheet of understanding what is so we used to do 0 to 10, what's important to me in order to feel loved. (18:56) Right.(18:57) But now we just do red, yellow, green. (18:59) And for each of the 25 different love languages, you have a unique combination as to if if no one were to do anything else but this one thing. (19:10) Would you feel a level green, in other words, like a high degree of love if someone were to do X for you or to to join you in Y.(19:21) Right. (19:21) One example is adventures for me at 10 out of 10 love language that's unique to me is adventures with meaningful discussions, deep conversations and fitness. (19:32) Right.(19:32) Like that combination is like, oh, my goodness, I will feel so loved. (19:35) And to express love. (19:37) Right.(19:37) There's a certain thumbprint that I obviously won't tell you, but there's a specific thumbprint to how I will express love to individuals. (19:47) And what we find when we go through that activity sheet is that very little are we considering when we go to express how much we love someone. (20:00) We don't we might express it in the way in which we want to feel love, but we aren't speaking the other person's love language.(20:10) So that worksheet is not only great to understand what your love language is and how you feel loved, but most importantly, what let's just say if you put Bianca on the other side, how does Bianca feel loved? (20:25) Right. (20:26) How can I express love to her in a way that is deeply meaningful for her based on her love languages?(20:32) So it goes to to show how love is something that is very unique and feeling love comes down to basic principles and a basic formula. (20:45) And everyone has their own little custom thumbprint. (20:47) So that's what I found to be helpful and useful for individuals and for conscious couples.(20:51) And that's been one of my favorite activities to learn across cultures, whether it be a couple in Finland or a couple in Mexico or someone in Bahamas. (20:59) Right. (20:59) Like.(21:00) This stuff has traveled long and far and it has still stood the test of time, culture and challenges of expressing love and feeling loved. (21:10) And so for anyone that wants to understand themselves at a deeper level around this concept of love, go ahead and click the link in the show notes to download that asset. (21:18) And I'd be more than happy to walk you through it, too.

Bianca Thomas

(21:22) This is a human thing. (21:23) It's not a Western society thing. (21:25) It's just like food.(21:26) You might like different foods, but we all need to eat. (21:30) So the way you express and give love might be different and that's OK, but we all need it. (21:36) Yep.(21:37) Yeah. (21:38) My episode suggestion is 473 the tools you need to stop emotionally numbing.

Emilia Smith

(21:46) OK, OK. (21:48) If you want to understand what we talked about in this episode at an even deeper layer, the episode that I'm going to recommend is to help you understand that, which is 448. (21:57) The real what real validation looks like validation.(22:02) Right. (22:02) Like that practice, that skill set go hand in hand with vulnerability. (22:06) And that's an episode that will help you deepen your ability and your skill set to express love.(22:12) And I'm just going to put that out there if you want to develop that skill. (22:15) So as always, thank you so much to your listener for joining us in the science of holistic mental health and well-being. (22:25) We're so grateful that you're on the journey with us.(22:27) Keep evolving. (22:28) Keep giving love. (22:29) We need more of it now more than ever.(22:32) We'll talk to you soon. (22:38) We know firsthand how important it is to have a safe space with people who support and celebrate your evolution. (22:44) That's why we created our free live virtual event called Out of the Mud that we host the last Wednesday of every single month, 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, so that while you venture into new territories of your growth, you can get in a room with others who are too. (23:01) Extraordinary topics with evolved people. (23:04) That's what this event is all about. (23:07) What's great, too, is that you don't even need to have your camera or mic on.(23:10) You can just listen in. (23:11) Click the link in the show notes to register for the next topic to kickstart your growth.

Bianca Thomas

(23:16) Be on the lookout for our IG lives that we host every Friday at 1230 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (23:24) This is a place where you can connect with us live and in a fun, lighthearted way. (23:28) We are also in the process of rolling out group coaching and online courses, and these are sure to help you evolve into a greater version of yourself.

Emilia Smith

(23:38) If this episode resonated with you or you heard something you know will help you evolve, please share it with someone you love and care about, team members across the world, or someone who you believe deeply could benefit from joining this discussion.

Bianca Thomas

(23:52) This content is intended for information purposes only. (23:55) It is not a substitute for professional counseling or psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment, and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. (24:07) Names and identifiable personal details mentioned in respective podcast episodes and stories may have been changed to protect personal privacy and identity.