#496 | The Myth of An "Easy Life"

In this episode of Evolve Ventures Tech, we are getting honest about one of the most misleading ideas people carry through life, the belief that things should feel easier than they do. We take you into the tension between comfort and growth, the stories that shape what you expect from life, and the hidden cost of chasing ease at the expense of meaning.

If you have ever felt frustrated by how hard things can be, or quietly wondered why growth seems to ask so much of you, this episode will meet you right there. Stay with us long enough to let this one get under your skin a little. It might save you from building your whole life around the wrong promise.

Here are related episodes that build on today’s conversation:
#482 | Acceptance Is Not Painless - https://apple.co/40H9sNB
#476 | How Being Rescued Can Reinforce a Victim Mindset - https://apple.co/4sDbbiv

Learn more about:
🤝 Out of the Mud (OOTM) - "Why You Keep Second-Guessing Yourself" - https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/IykObX8eR7ixJaQ-qqZogw#/registration

📽️ Insightful films. Meaningful growth. Join our Evolve Movie Club - https://forms.gle/bBZUbFEeD2ijypCT7

🌱 The #YouDoYou Therapy Program gives you support when and how you need it. No pressure. Just real help. Start your free 7-day trial today - https://buy.stripe.com/fZe8Avdfx8bW9gcfZc

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Show notes:
(3:28) When the struggle starts to feel unfair
(9:55) Why is easy cost meaning
(17:36) Derek thanks Emilia and Bianca for his phenomenal experience as a member of the Evolve Ventures team.
(18:21) Who gets to define your life
(25:23) Where your idea of easy began
(31:31) When struggle stops being pointless
(34:25) Choose the hard that builds you
(39:23) Outro

***Leave them a 5-star review if you felt their energy, became inspired, or felt as though the value was added to your life in your EVOLUTION.

(Stay tuned for this coming Monday’s episode!)

Transcript

Bianca Thomas

(0:00) I don't believe that there has ever been a narrative more destructive than this, and I think the uncomfortable thing to admit, especially for me, is that I lived by this narrative for the majority of my life.

Emilia Smith

(0:15) Easy. (0:17) It's the enemy of personal greatness. (0:20) I'm fully convicted of that.

Bianca Thomas

(0:22) Most of us are looking for hope, answers to the madness, certainty that we'll be okay, and someone safe to help guide us through the most challenging parts of our lives. (0:33) In a world that's changing and evolving every single day, where chaos, uncertainty, and cycles we never chose wreak havoc on our lives, it's easy to feel lost, hopeless, and scared of what the future will hold.

Emilia Smith

(0:49) Evolve Ventures is here to provide that hope, direction, and data-driven strategies to growth-minded human beings just like you every Monday and Thursdays, where each new episode is filled with vulnerable stories, interesting lessons, and simple tools you can use that will help you evolve into the person you were always meant to be. (1:10) My name is Emilia. (1:11) And I'm Bianca.(1:12) And as the co-founders of Evolve Ventures, we are so grateful to be a part of your evolution. (1:18) Let's get into it. (1:19) Hey, everybody.(1:20) It's Bianca. (1:21) Welcome back, Evolvers. (1:23) It's Emilia.(1:23) We're on episode 496, The Myth of an Easy Life. (1:28) Bianca and I, just before recording this episode, were like, we're headed up to 500 soon. (1:33) Crazy.(1:34) Crazy. (1:35) And on this episode, speaking of the myth of easy, when we even just put into the frame, like what it's like to be on the mic consistently, easy is this very interesting dialogue that Bianca and I are going to have. (1:52) And our hope, our intention by the end of this episode for you, dear listener, is to contemplate with us, maybe get into the sandbox and rumble around a little bit.(2:02) And we're curious to hear what your hypothesis are when it comes to this myth that we've all been told of an easy life. (2:11) So to kind of frame this for a quick sec, if you haven't listened to the last episode that we had dropped, 495, the real reason people give up on their dreams, Bianca and I, specifically more me, kind of started to dig into this myth without even knowing that this was going to be our next podcast episode. (2:27) So if you want a little bit of context of where I'm coming from, feel free to pause this episode and go back.

Bianca Thomas

(2:34) We also are going to do a part two of that episode. (2:37) It's in the lineup. (2:38) Super exciting.(2:39) Dive deeper into like how to achieve your dreams and whatnot, but that's not what this one is going to be. (2:44) This is going to be diving deeper into the easy life concept.

Emilia Smith

(2:50) Yeah. (2:50) You know, the easy life. (2:53) So let's start to kind of pick apart.(2:56) What is, where's this myth? (2:57) What is it coming from? (2:58) And most importantly, for anyone joining us, why is this or where in this, where in your specific life is this myth inhibiting you from evolving?(3:12) That's the question I want us thinking about, at least from my end that I'm going to argue that I'm going to discord with Bianca on this, not argue, but, you know, It might not be sounding like easy life.

Bianca Thomas

(3:28) I should have an easy life, but it might be coming up in the mindset of things shouldn't have to be so hard. (3:33) Things shouldn't be so challenging. (3:35) Why am I struggling?(3:37) Why, why am I having to go through this? (3:40) Why is, you know, a plethora of narratives like that, where ultimately the idea is I shouldn't have to struggle. (3:49) I shouldn't have to suffer.(3:51) Humans shouldn't have to go through hardship. (3:54) Now, I do not believe humans should have to endure the level of trauma that we endure. (4:00) Like it's horrific.(4:02) The amount of atrocities that are done to human beings on a daily basis. (4:06) And you and I hear those stories day in and day out. (4:12) It's, it's truly horrific and inhumane.(4:16) That is not what we're talking about. (4:18) What we're talking about are all of the other things like, just we'll, we'll dive into it, but the other challenges, the other normal, real parts of life that we don't feel should have to happen. (4:37) Like I have a client that I've been working with for a while, and she has pretty substantial mental health challenges.(4:45) And one of the things that she talks about all the time is, well, why do we have to work? (4:53) Why is life set up the way that it is to where we have to work even if you're not okay, nobody cares. (5:02) You still have to go.(5:03) Why do I have to earn a paycheck? (5:05) Why do I have to do this? (5:07) Why do I have to do that?(5:10) And from her perspective, I understand where she's coming from, but I've heard so many people say stuff like that. (5:17) Like life should just be easy. (5:19) We should all just get things.(5:22) Things shouldn't, you shouldn't have to work for anything. (5:25) Narratives like that. (5:27) And that is insanely destructive.(5:35) I'll leave it there because I know you're, I know you're chewing on some stuff. (5:38) I just wanted to make sure that I added that caveat before we, before we dove in.

Emilia Smith

(5:42) For sure. (5:42) Yeah. (5:42) So, so one of the things, so we're a global podcast, right?(5:47) So we have listeners in a multitude of different countries. (5:51) And one of the things as women who come from the United States, right? (5:56) We have more of this like Western approach to this conversation.(6:02) I want to expand the conversation a little bit more globally, because when we think about other countries, for example, right? (6:11) There are other countries where, I guess where my brain is going in this is the macroeconomics and the microeconomics of working hard to get a paycheck, right? (6:21) Just kind of on that work, add value to the economy so that the global domestic product GDP is something that a country can exchange goods, exports, imports, right?(6:35) To other countries, because there's only certain things on quote unquote, US soil or on the European soil that like that and get, get exchanged, right? (6:44) So like, I think that that global perspective view is where at least my brain is kind of coming from this angle. (6:50) And when you work, you add value to the economy that you live in, right?(6:56) It's like the quote unquote, commune or community that you live in, you're adding value to that. (7:00) And that value is adding to the bigger quote unquote municipality or state or governance, whatever it is, right? (7:07) But then you think about there are other economies or there are other countries where you, the way in which you individually work and therefore add value to the country, it's distributed a little bit differently.(7:24) Hence the different kinds of types of government, the type of, of distributions, if you will. (7:30) And so I won't go down that rabbit hole, but that's kind of where my brain is coming from. (7:34) If we look at certain European, for example, European countries, right?(7:40) There's a little bit of a different governance that goes in when it comes to like having a job and what that does and where those dollars go and how that takes care of the society at large. (7:52) So from a Western standpoint, a Western view, it can quote unquote be destructive because (8:00) I think you and I are in agreement that no matter what, sitting, doing nothing, (8:09) not contribute, being a contributing member of society, that while we might have this (8:15) idea that that's a really great life to live, one of the big glaring truths that does exist (8:22) in science and the research continues to show one research report that is coming to mind (8:28) is the world, a global census world report on happiness. (8:33) And ultimately when you actually dig into it's like 120 something page report that was done in 2024, 2025, I'll see if I can get the link to link it underneath there. (8:42) Fascinating.(8:42) Highly recommend it. (8:43) But the countries that are quote unquote, the happiest are those that have a mindset about not necessarily trying to have an easy life, but rather the focal point is on purpose. (8:59) And so when you look at all countries having a purpose, just from a neuroscience standpoint to having purpose in contributing and putting in efforts of labor and in efforts of value contribution, that is what creates a meaningful life for people.(9:17) So I think that that's kind of what's happening in jostling in my head. (9:21) Those who are buying into this myth of easy life, hang out, do nothing, don't have a purpose, right? (9:27) That quote unquote retirement life style.(9:31) Retirement lifestyle without a purpose actually shows direct like brain decays, the body gives up. (9:36) All these things that easy seems to be good, right? (9:40) No, it's not easy.(9:41) That myth of an easy life does not actually translate to actual measurable statistics on happiness, fulfillment, and a life filled with meaning and purpose.

Bianca Thomas

(9:55) I want to play devil's advocate with you. (9:57) Are you game for that? (9:58) Let's do it.(9:59) Yeah. (10:02) Life is hard as it is. (10:05) Life is already challenging.(10:07) Life in and of itself is already difficult. (10:09) Why should I have to struggle? (10:12) Why shouldn't I just spend the money that I have and enjoy my life and drink and do these things like life is already hard.(10:22) Why? (10:23) Why are you telling me? (10:25) Why do you want me to make my life harder?

Emilia Smith

(10:28) Yeah. (10:30) First of all, I would validate the fact that life is hard for sure. (10:34) I'm like, no one's going to argue with you on that unless they're insanely privileged, in which case I would say they have a very different type of heart.(10:42) Don't get it twisted. (10:43) Number two, my encouragement is not towards suffering or are necessarily having this life where you just consistently drive towards the hard. (10:53) However, what I am suggesting and what I would show you is that if you were to invest your or not invest, I can't literally and ethically and with integrity put that word in front of what I'm about to say.(11:07) If you were to spend money, all your money, right, that your hard earned money into alcohol to try to just numb out from the hard life that does exist and that you are in. (11:18) I genuinely would like to show you and fast forward into the future of your life. (11:23) It's just going to get harder.(11:24) And here's a quick example. (11:26) When you are spending all your money on things that are trying to like disconnect you from your life, right? (11:32) And then short term, that might feel really good.(11:35) Actually, that might feel incredibly relieving. (11:37) And if you have a difficult or a challenging life, the reality is that that's going to continue. (11:53) And based on the choices that you make on the day to day, that's just going to get exponentially harder.(11:59) Because when you drink alcohol, your brain and your body start to shut down slowly. (12:06) And then over time, that impacts your muscles. (12:09) And over time, that impacts your ability to actually move.(12:11) So I want you to picture 10 years from now, it is everything that seems hard, multiply that by 10. (12:18) And that's at least the factor of what you're going to be feeling. (12:23) So it's going to be even more hard.(12:24) So what I'm not saying is run away from the relief seeking behaviors. (12:29) What I'm not saying is don't spend that money how you think you should spend it. (12:34) What I am saying and what I will suggest is what the science continuously shows and what I as a human being who cares deeply about you having a better life, because there is the ability to have that, which is time and time again, there is struggle before there is a benefit.(12:55) And to that end, when you can actually change the way in which you behave, those choices on the day to day end up giving you an increased probability of having a better life. (13:10) And I wonder if it would be something that like if you can go to rest, for lack of better words, right on your deathbed and look back and say, you know, I've I've had a good life. (13:23) Are you OK with that?(13:25) Or are you going to feel that sense of regret when you look back and realize you haven't done everything that you could to not just make life easier because that's not what it's about, but to embrace the hard, to do your best within that hard and then to try to make a meaningful, impactful life. (13:43) And you might say, you know, I don't I don't care about that, Amelia. (13:47) It's a very different that's a very different conversation, in my opinion, if you don't care about that.

Bianca Thomas

(13:53) Yeah, but why do I have to? (13:55) Why do I have like why? (13:57) Why don't these things just happen normally or naturally?(14:01) Why do I have to put myself in uncomfortable situations and do the harder thing or choose the harder path when other people don't have to do that? (14:13) Like, so I have to not spend money on things that I want. (14:19) I have to be the one to like initiate things.(14:23) I have to be the one to put myself in these situations. (14:28) Like, why don't other people do it first? (14:29) Why do I have to do it?

Emilia Smith

(14:33) First of all, you don't. (14:35) Life is all about choices. (14:37) Like, truthfully, life is all about choices.(14:42) And that like you can either grab a shovel and dig a deeper hole, you know, or you can use that shovel, the wood in the shovel to build a ladder for the hole that you already fill yourself in. (14:59) You know, and I think that it's so easy to focus on other people when your life is hard, because that relinquishes you from the responsibility of taking the actual really scary chance of making your life better and having a role in that. (15:18) And I can imagine that if you're thinking that way, then you probably don't believe in yourself to where you think that taking the wood from that shovel and building a ladder, that's not something that anyone's ever taught you.(15:30) Right. (15:31) So of course, it's easier to point the finger elsewhere. (15:34) And why don't other people do X, Y, Z?(15:37) And you can do that till you're blue in the face. (15:39) But I and I could give you a thousand, a million different reasons. (15:46) And it comes back down to you.(15:48) Everything comes back down to you. (15:50) Every choice that we have, it comes back down to us. (15:53) Now, some people in different countries don't have the choice.(15:58) And that is one of the most infuriating things to observe, to understand that that exists. (16:06) But I do think that if you're someone who has the privilege to think, why can't others do it first, then you have the privilege to make a better choice.

Bianca Thomas

(16:15) So because someone else has it harder, then I shouldn't be upset about my own suffering, like just because some random person in a country that I don't know is struggling, then I shouldn't feel bad about the real pain that I'm going through.

Emilia Smith

(16:34) Nah, man, you can feel bad. (16:36) You can feel bad. (16:37) You can you can actually feel all the feels.(16:39) And I actually encourage you to do that. (16:41) Right. (16:41) Like, I think that that's important.(16:42) If you're someone who is struggling because some (16:46) sick effer has told you that life should be easy for you and they've sold you that lie (16:51) I'm so deeply sorry at the fact that like someone never taught you how to when you feel bad, (16:57) when you feel like life sucks, when you feel like a victim of circumstances, (17:01) and when you don't understand why, quote unquote, or how you getting a job and adding value to (17:10) the world that you live in actually creates a (17:14) adds value to a world that you directly benefit from. (17:21) I do think that at the end of the day, like no one's ever taught you. (17:25) And just because you're feeling bad and just because you have emotions that make you feel really shitty doesn't mean that those aren't emotions that you can't leverage to your benefit.

Derek Smith

(17:36) Hello, everybody. (17:37) My name is Derek Smith. (17:39) I just wanted to come on here and talk about my time at Evolve and being a team member.(17:44) It's been nothing short of phenomenal. (17:46) And I don't say that as somebody just trying to pipe up the team or the business or anything like that. (17:53) No, it's genuine.(17:55) And genuinely, I've never been a part of such a group, had people that were so invested in me, being able to keep me accountable, and pushing and really just supporting me for my own growth. (18:07) And the amount of things that I've been able to learn about and just being a part of this community, all under the guidance of Bianca and Amelia. (18:15) For me, that's just been phenomenal.(18:17) So thank you, Amelia. (18:18) Thank you, Bianca. (18:19) You guys rock.

Bianca Thomas

(18:21) But then when do I ever get to feel good? (18:24) Because it sounds like what you're saying is just do the hard thing and then maybe someday way in the future, then I'll get to benefit from it. (18:34) So like, when do I get to feel good?(18:37) Aren't you supposed to feel good in life? (18:38) Aren't you supposed to be happy? (18:43) Isn't that what life is about?

Emilia Smith

(18:45) That's what's really actually quite fun about life is life is whatever you make it. (18:54) That's where the powers of reframe come in. (18:56) That's where your thoughts, whatever you feel is a direct byproduct of your thoughts.(19:02) So life is supposed to whatever that blank that whatever you fill in the blank that I just heard that has been what someone else has told to you what life is about. (19:11) I'm going to give you the pen and I'm going to say, hey, I want you to fill in the blank. (19:15) If you were to have your own thought process for a second and you were to say, hey, wait a second, I get to determine what life means.(19:24) What would you write down? (19:26) What would you actually say? (19:28) What would you want life to be about?(19:30) And what's amazing about that? (19:33) And I'm so sorry that no one's ever taught you that. (19:35) But the reality is, is that you can fill in the blank and your brain will go to work for you.(19:43) So if you are chasing that feeling of feeling good or happiness or whatever, what I want you to know is that you can chase that. (19:52) And what science will show you is that you can engineer a life to where happiness that is felt. (19:59) But I would also encourage you to look at the science of happiness.(20:02) And I would look, I would encourage you to look at the, the intermittent disbursement of dopamine when it comes to happiness and how happiness is actually something that if you just look at it from a brain science standpoint, like that is something that happens and it comes and then it goes because there needs to be a refeed process. (20:23) So if life is all about that and you're filling the blank and the pen that I give you, you draw on the same exact narrative, then your feelings and your emotions will continue to be in this cycle. (20:38) If you don't have the ability or get the tools or, or even try at all to change the narrative.(20:45) And I think that that's again and again, the myth of an easy life, right? (20:49) That it comes back down to that quote unquote, easy that you're seeking what most people will dangle in front of you without actually helping you understand the cost to you that comes with that, that comes with ease. (21:05) So my question back to you, dear friend, is what will you write on the dotted line?

Bianca Thomas

(21:17) I appreciate you playing in the sandbox. (21:19) That was fun. (21:22) So what would you recommend for people instead?(21:27) Because the questions that I asked you are questions that I've had clients ask me. (21:32) Very often. (21:34) Yeah.(21:34) And I know, I know you've had clients tell you the same thing. (21:37) This is something that it's really hard when you grow up in a place of privilege, when you like, it's hard to put yourself outside of that and what we are not saying. (21:51) And I said this thing and I said this sentiment in that for a reason, because I hear this all the time.(21:57) This is not to look at other people and feel bad about yourself for feeling bad because somebody else has it worse. (22:03) It is to help give you perspective, though, so that when you are in a better headspace, you can have gratitude for what you do have. (22:12) So like I was listening back in the day when I was on TikTok, because I deleted it.(22:17) I don't use it anymore. (22:19) Good for you.

Emilia Smith

(22:20) Good for you.

Bianca Thomas

(22:21) Yeah. (22:21) I made that decision a couple of months ago.

Emilia Smith

(22:23) Wow. (22:24) Good for you.

Bianca Thomas

(22:24) But thank you.

Emilia Smith

(22:26) It shows, actually. (22:27) Yeah, but I think back and have a deeper point.

Bianca Thomas

(22:29) I appreciate it.

Emilia Smith

(22:31) That shows, for sure.

Bianca Thomas

(22:32) I was using it for work, but I would still end up like scrolling on there because obviously I'm a human and it's like, it's like it's meant for people like me, which is sad to say, but it's true. (22:45) So I was on there and there was this comedian that was on there and she's hilarious. (22:51) She's this Indian woman, like this older Indian mom, and she came to the States or I think she lives in Canada.(22:57) And she was making this joke about how like people suffering in America versus people suffering in India. (23:05) It's like people in America, it's just like, I'm going to go and take a bubble bath and I'm going to just like and whatever. (23:13) And she's like, we don't have water in India.(23:16) Like, what do you mean? (23:18) If you were to go tell someone that you're going to sit in a but in like a tub of water and that's what's going to help you to like to deregulate, to down regulate your nervous system. (23:28) I'm botching it, but it was hilarious the way that she said it.(23:33) But like, so like things like that, again, it's not to.

Emilia Smith

(23:38) Those are really good perspective sets.

Bianca Thomas

(23:40) Yeah, it is. (23:42) It's a really in the way that she said it was perfect, but like it's not to make you feel bad for feeling bad. (23:48) It's for when you're in a better head space so that you can have that level of perspective and have gratitude for what you do have.(23:56) But so back to my original point, when you are in a place of privilege, it is hard to ideate on the fact that like we have it better than the majority of the rest of the world.

Emilia Smith

(24:20) Like I'm Lebanese and Syrian.

Bianca Thomas

(24:29) So my dad is from Lebanon. (24:30) My mom is from Syria. (24:32) Lebanon is like bombed to hell right now.(24:35) And like regardless of your political beliefs, whatever, like that's my home country. (24:39) Like I could have been born there. (24:42) I could have been living there.(24:43) And to think about that, like the life that I got to have versus the life that I would have had had I lived there like we used to go there every summer. (24:53) The life that they live over there is unreal. (24:59) And it's good perspective for me when I'm not in a shame bound, sad state to have that level of perspective of I'm so grateful that I got to be born in a country that gave me so much like protection and safety and peace and freedom.(25:20) Not perfect by any means, but it's better. (25:23) And so like an easy life is predicated on the environment that you had grown up in. (25:32) Because this this idea of an easy quote unquote life.(25:36) And again, I was the first one to fall victim to this. (25:40) I'm not saying this from some high horse of better than you. (25:44) Like I still have days where it's like, oh my God, this is so hard.(25:48) What the hell? (25:49) Like why is this so difficult? (25:51) Like still and same.(25:54) So I'm talking to myself as I say this. (26:01) Your idea of easy comes from your surroundings. (26:05) It's social learning theory.(26:07) It's who are the people that you were surrounded by? (26:10) What were the narratives, the ideas, the beliefs, the assumptions, the expectations that were put on you? (26:16) What were the messages you saw in the media?(26:18) And how has that shaped your perception of life? (26:22) I grew up in a home that did not teach discipline. (26:26) I grew up in a home that did not teach grit and resilience and work ethic and all of these things.(26:33) I grew up in a home that was do well in school. (26:36) We don't care how and have a booming social life. (26:42) But and then all these other messages in between, but like I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to put the PG version there.(26:48) I didn't learn how to struggle intelligently. (26:51) I didn't learn that to the episode we did about being rescued and how it can enhance a victim mindset. (26:57) Yeah, I didn't learn how to work hard.(27:00) I didn't learn how to struggle. (27:03) I didn't learn how to invest. (27:05) I didn't learn any of these things.(27:08) I was taught how to have a quote unquote easy life and I couldn't do anything for myself. (27:16) Nothing. (27:17) And Amelia will attest to this.(27:19) I was the most incompetent person. (27:22) It was humiliating when you choose intentionally. (27:31) And I'm saying this as a person who is on my way toward this.(27:34) I'm not here yet. (27:36) OK, I need to make that abundantly clear. (27:40) When you intentionally choose to live a harder life, it actually starts to feel like a choice because you see that like, oh, I'm doing this for me.(27:55) You get all the skills, all the benefits, all of the all of the like return on investment when you do that. (28:05) So like going to the gym. (28:07) Yes, for that one hour, it's hard and it sucks.(28:10) And I'm going to live a longer, happier, healthier life as a byproduct because I chose for one hour a day to go do that hard thing.

Emilia Smith

(28:19) Yeah, Alan and I were on a walk this morning and we had we shared like earbuds. (28:26) He was prepping for his book club and we were listening to whatever book he's reading. (28:32) And I think it was a book on peak performance.(28:35) And I really appreciated what I had heard in that loop that we had taken. (28:42) Bush took our little 10 pound chihuahua. (28:45) Pumpkin she has whatever.(28:48) Anyways, not the point. (28:49) The point of it is there is a component in the book that we had talked about, which talked about how learners, different type of learners and people like those who struggle like kids, like it was talking about kids or some sort of like learning and developing. (29:06) Those who struggle a little bit before they get the answer that actually translates to an increase of skill development, right?(29:14) The increased probability of skill development, as opposed to the kids who are struggling and a parent comes and swoops in and gives them the answer. (29:23) And it's kind of bringing up that memory to when you shared with me just kind of that learned helplessness and that myth of an easy life, right? (29:31) School should be easy.(29:32) Workout should be easy. (29:33) Work should be easy, right? (29:35) Like all this quote unquote narrative.(29:37) And I shared with him a story. (29:38) I was like, well, when I was a tutor and I was tutoring and I was kind of making a joke out of it, like my students would be really upset with me because they were so used to coming in, getting a tutor and the tutor would give them answers. (29:54) And so when they would come to me, I would say, I would say for lack of better words, if you're a student, you're listening to this, shut up.(30:03) Let me know in the comments how that worked out for you. (30:06) Because what I did, I would say, OK, so I'm not going to give you the answers because that's not going to set you up for life. (30:12) Like I get you're trying to make this your macro economics class.(30:16) I get you're trying to get a good grade on this, but I'm here to set you up for life. (30:22) And if I just give you the answers, not only am I not, you know, doing my job, but you're also not doing your job, which is thinking, which is developing thought, right? (30:31) This isn't just you passing this course.(30:33) You actually have to pass class. (30:35) And my hope, if you're ever going to be a student of mine, not only do you pass the quote unquote litmus test of life, but that you don't just stay in struggle. (30:44) You always are thriving.(30:46) And why? (30:47) Because you've developed the skill sets to learn how to think differently. (30:51) Back to that quote unquote, here's the pen analogy, fill in the blank.(30:58) What is the meaning of your life? (30:59) What are you choosing? (31:00) It's really giving that agency and autonomy back.(31:02) And I told Alan, I said, I would have the kids or the kids, they were adults, you know, young adults. (31:08) I would say, all right, you think about what you believe the answer is. (31:12) And I'm going to go get some saltines and water.(31:14) We had like a little like coffee station in the tutoring center. (31:16) And when I get back, if you have contemplated your own thought process that gets close and is in the direction, and I give you a saltine, right? (31:25) Some warm water.(31:26) If you don't, we're going to still kind of drill this. (31:29) And I am laughing and sharing that. (31:31) And the point of this is that at the end of the day, the struggle plus the application of that struggle towards a skill development within your life, that struggle isn't just in vain.(31:43) It isn't just martyrdom. (31:44) It isn't just, you know, it doesn't have no purpose. (31:48) When you recognize the myth that maybe you've been sold from your family, your culture, whatever, right?(31:54) And you recognize your struggle isn't, it doesn't just have to have no purpose, because there's nothing worse when you you've suffered tremendous atrocities, and there's no purpose to it. (32:06) And no one's taught you how to connect purpose to struggle. (32:09) There's nothing worse than that.(32:11) Because then it's just constant suffering struggle without any purpose. (32:15) And that, that is, that's, that's where apathy starts to creep in. (32:19) That's where you give up.(32:20) That's hopelessness, helplessness. (32:21) And that's just the spiral of a downward. (32:23) It's a downward spiral, right?(32:25) What is the meaning of life? (32:26) You don't have one. (32:26) So might as well, you know, who knows?(32:28) So when you have that, and you recognize, okay, life maybe isn't easy, and I embrace that whether it be a workout or you're studying for exam. (32:37) Okay, how can I use the struggle to my benefit to hone in my focus to develop this skill to get better at my career to get better at the workout to get better at the running to get better at my stretching to get better at insert whatever it is, whether, whether you feel like you're in control or out of control, whether you believe it or not, like your belief system runs your abilities. (33:02) And so again, I'm going to round this episode to whether you believe it's true or not, you're right.(33:08) And that is the power of belief when it comes to the myth of an easy life. (33:11) If you believe it's an easy life, cool, that's going to feel true in your nervous system. (33:14) So you're going to look for every piece of evidence that supports that.(33:17) And when you're slapped with reality, that life isn't easy, or when struggle hits you in the face, and it doesn't have any purpose, because no one's told you how to connect its purpose, you're screwed. (33:27) And you're going to feel trapped. (33:28) And then there's going to be a downward spiral that you're going to be sent on.(33:32) And then you're going to claim a victim mindset, you're going to point outward, and you're not going to take responsibility for your own life. (33:38) There are chapters or periods where I've been there, smaller blips admittedly than ever. (33:44) But when we recognize that the agency is ours, and when there's a will, there's a way.(33:51) And if you don't have a will, and you don't have that belief system, like get around someone who has an alternative belief system, because likely you're not just going to want to give up and die. (34:02) Your circumstances could get better. (34:06) And what if that were the case?(34:07) What if that was true? (34:08) What would be possible? (34:09) And what, most importantly, would be possible for you?(34:13) That, that's not, it's not about an easy life. (34:16) It's about a meaningful, well-lived life for you, because you're worthy and deserving of that, despite what others have told you.

Bianca Thomas

(34:25) It's not about making things hard just for the sake of making things hard. (34:29) And it's not suffering just for the sake of suffering. (34:32) It's embracing the hardships and doing what you can to make something meaningful out of it based on the life that you want to have, based on the person that you want to become, based on the experiences that you want to experience.(34:51) So this isn't to say go experience unnecessary suffering because life is hard. (34:56) No, it's saying choose the hard you want to have based on the life and the person that you want to have and become. (35:05) So my life right now is the hardest it's ever been.(35:11) And paradoxically, my life is the best it's ever been. (35:15) I have no drama in my life. (35:18) I have, like, no, oh, I'm going to sound so arrogant saying this.(35:25) Whatever. (35:26) I have, like, no real issues in my life. (35:29) I just don't.(35:30) I have challenges. (35:32) There's things that I'm, like, working through and overcoming, and I still have trauma that I'm working through. (35:37) But, like, externally, social life-wise, I have no problems in my life.(35:43) Why? (35:45) Because for the last eight years, I have made my life so unbelievably hard intentionally putting myself in situations around people in circumstances, developing skill sets to get me to this place, eliminating people from my life. (36:01) That was some of the most devastating decisions I've ever made because I knew what it would get me.(36:08) And I trusted the people around me when I didn't believe it who were like, Bianca, this is going to make your life better.

Emilia Smith

(36:15) Mm-hmm.

Bianca Thomas

(36:16) So firsthand testament to I was not someone who believed it. (36:22) Mm-hmm. (36:22) I didn't believe in myself.(36:24) I didn't believe that good things were going to happen for me. (36:27) I did not believe I was capable of anything. (36:29) But I put people in my corner who were and who did, and they helped me develop it.(36:34) And now I get to help all my clients develop it.

Emilia Smith

(36:37) Mm-hmm.

Bianca Thomas

(36:42) So choose a hard based on the life that you want to have and then surround yourself with people, places, things and ideas that are going to lead you into in the direction of that.

Emilia Smith

(36:59) I just try to imagine you, Bianca, and what your heart would be if you were to continue to buy into the myth of the easy life. (37:09) And where would you be? (37:10) Pull me, pull Alan, pull all of us out of your life.(37:15) And you would be like, why aren't things easier? (37:19) But the hard that you would be experiencing is wild in comparison. (37:25) Financially, intimately, just all the different buckets.(37:29) And that's the paradox sometimes where you embrace life is challenging. (37:36) Not life is hard. (37:36) Life is challenging.(37:37) And like my grandmother, whose 90th birthday we'll be celebrating this April, April, like she always said, life is a shit sandwich. (37:48) We get to take a bite of it every day. (37:50) I believe she said we have to take a bite of it every day.(37:53) I swapped in the get because I think that we are so lucky to be alive despite the atrocities. (37:59) So life is a shit sandwich and we get to take a bite of it every single day. (38:04) That's a hell of a lot better than being dead in the ground.(38:06) That's my personal belief. (38:08) But it is fascinating because framing how we frame everything dictates our expectations and thereby our experiences. (38:17) And so thank goodness, because it's been wonderful to have you on this, on this chapter, on this journey with us.(38:24) So that said... (38:26) I'm grateful for you. (38:27) As am I for you.(38:28) Brought so many good things into my life. (38:31) Some of my favorite things. (38:33) OK, so in closing, if you're struggling with this and you enjoyed this episode.(38:41) I encourage you to pop over to episode 482. (38:46) Acceptance is not painless.

Bianca Thomas

(38:51) My episode suggestion. (38:57) I'm like having heart palpitations thinking about what my life would have been like before. (39:03) It's so bad.(39:04) Oh, my goodness. (39:05) OK, 476. (39:08) How being rescued can reinforce a victim mindset.

Emilia Smith

(39:13) Nice. (39:14) Nice. (39:15) Yeah.(39:18) OK, I have so many things on this topic, but to round us out. (39:23) Thank you, as always, dear listener, for your continued interest in the science of holistic mental health. (39:29) Keep evolving.(39:30) Keep doing the hard things. (39:32) And don't forget, you got the pen. (39:36) Bye, everybody.(39:41) We know firsthand how important it is to have a safe space with people who support and celebrate your evolution. (39:48) That's why we created our free live virtual event called Out of the Mud that we host the last Wednesday of every single month, 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, so that while you venture into new territories of your growth, you can get in a room with others who are too. (40:05) Extraordinary topics with evolved people.(40:08) That's what this event is all about. (40:10) What's great, too, is that you don't even need to have your camera or mic on. (40:14) You can just listen in.(40:15) Click the link in the show notes to register for the next topic to kickstart your growth.

Bianca Thomas

(40:20) Be on the lookout for our IG lives that we host every Friday at 1230 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (40:27) This is a place where you can connect with us live and in a fun, lighthearted way. (40:32) We are also in the process of rolling out group coaching and online courses, and these are sure to help you evolve into a greater version of yourself.

Emilia Smith

(40:42) If this episode resonated with you or you heard something you know will help you evolve, please share it with someone you love and care about, team members across the world, or someone who you believe deeply could benefit from joining this discussion.

Bianca Thomas

(40:56) This content is intended for information purposes only. (40:59) It is not a substitute for professional counseling or psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment, and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. (41:11) Names and identifiable personal details mentioned in respective podcast episodes and stories may have been changed to protect personal privacy and identity.