#495 | The Real Reason People Give Up On Their Dreams

Why do so many people walk away from the very dreams they cannot stop thinking about?

In today’s episode, we get underneath the hidden friction between ambition and fear, and the deeper patterns that make people quit before their life has a chance to change. We move through self-belief, goals, identity, emotional resilience, and the quiet ways people get pulled off course by doubt, distraction, and the wrong environment. It is a sharp look at what personal growth really asks of us when the dream is real, the effort is heavy, and comfort keeps making a better sales pitch. 

If you have been feeling stuck between who you are and who you know you could become, this one will hit a nerve in the best way. Press play before your comfort zone files another fake restraining order against your future.

Here’s a related episode that builds on today’s conversation:
#484 | Avoiding the Truth Doesn't Make it Not Real - https://apple.co/4cchVxC

Learn more about:
🤝 Out of the Mud (OOTM) - "Why You Keep Second-Guessing Yourself" - https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/IykObX8eR7ixJaQ-qqZogw#/registration

📽️ Insightful films. Meaningful growth. Join our Evolve Movie Club - https://forms.gle/bBZUbFEeD2ijypCT7

🌱 The #YouDoYou Therapy Program gives you support when and how you need it. No pressure. Just real help. Start your free 7-day trial today - https://buy.stripe.com/fZe8Avdfx8bW9gcfZc

_________________

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Show notes:
(2:34) Why people quit on dreams
(5:26) When a dream stops feeling distant
(10:43) The lie that growth feels easy
(16:04) Why real effort gets misjudged
(21:12) Three anchors for staying devoted
(25:41) Is your dream actually yours
(28:37) Outro

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(Stay tuned for this coming Thursday’s episode!)

Transcript

Bianca Thomas

(0:00) Having goals and dreams has been one of the scariest experiences of my life. (0:06) And I think that's why the majority of people will never set them and realistically will never achieve them.

Emilia Smith

(0:19) And on top of that, you, if you do have dreams and if you do set those into place, you get sucked in and you give up way too soon before you can even realize the progress that your efforts are making towards them.

Bianca Thomas

(0:33) Most of us are looking for hope, answers to the madness, certainty that we'll be okay, and someone safe to help guide us through the most challenging parts of our lives. (0:44) In a world that's changing and evolving every single day where chaos, uncertainty, and cycles we never chose wreak havoc on our lives, it's easy to feel lost, hopeless, and scared of what the future will hold.

Emilia Smith

(1:00) Evolve Ventures is here to provide that hope, direction, and data-driven strategies to growth-minded human beings just like you every Monday and Thursdays where each new episode is filled with vulnerable stories, interesting lessons, and simple tools you can use that will help you evolve into the person you were always meant to be.

Bianca Thomas

(1:22) My name is Emilia. (1:23) And I'm Bianca.

Emilia Smith

(1:24) And as the co-founders of Evolve Ventures, we are so grateful to be a part of your evolution. (1:30) Let's get into it. (1:31) Hey, everybody.(1:31) It's Bianca. (1:33) Welcome back, Evolvers. (1:34) It's Emilia.(1:36) 495, the real reason people give up on their dreams. (1:40) Bianca, I'm excited to get into this with you because I know that you're going to, like, I can already tell with your energy, you're going to be bringing in some vulnerability in this episode. (1:48) So I'm excited for our listeners to hear that.(1:52) And I'm excited just because this topic is, as someone who has been a dream chaser, goal achiever my whole life, I wish I could just give this essence to other people. (2:09) Because achieving your dreams is one of the most profound life tracks that you can take. (2:17) And the journey is so riddled with so many lessons about ourselves.(2:23) And if we embrace those lessons with a growth mindset, while also recognizing the vulnerability that is required in order to do that, like you're, I can tell, going to bring in this episode. (2:34) I think it will help anyone that does have a dream that does have a goal that is maybe bigger than what they ever thought was possible for them. (2:41) It'll help encourage them to not only turn more towards their dreams, but to remind themselves how capable they are, even when they don't feel like it.

Bianca Thomas

(2:56) Oh, man. (2:57) It's a lot of pressure. (2:58) All right.(3:01) Let's do it. (3:02) Let's go. (3:03) So you ever heard of the song, The Impossible Dream?(3:09) Nope. (3:10) It's from a musical. (3:11) I think it's Man of La Mancha.(3:14) But I heard the song for the first time on this show, Grace and Frankie, which I think I've told you about. (3:21) I adore that show. (3:23) If you guys haven't seen it, it's hilarious.(3:27) But one of the people in the show wanted to be, he was in like a gay theater group and they were doing Man of La Mancha. (3:37) And the song, The Impossible Dream, came on. (3:41) And if you haven't heard the song, listen to the Jennifer Hudson version.(3:47) Oh, my God. (3:48) Oh, my God. (3:50) There's this video of her singing it on...(3:54) It's not X Factor. (3:55) I don't remember what show it is. (3:57) She's a judge.(3:58) Whatever. (3:58) Anyways, long story short, the song is beautiful. (4:02) And it basically talks about like...(4:07) The trials and tribulations of dreaming in a possible dream. (4:10) And like everything that comes with it. (4:17) Just the song is phenomenal.(4:19) And I like listening to it when I'm trying to tap into like a emotional state and an emotional state of trying to like tap into my goals, tap into my dreams to like prime my RAS for that. (4:45) Because to be honest, I am not someone who ever would have called myself a achiever. (4:57) I never would have called myself or identified as a goal setter, an entrepreneur, a dreamer, anything like that.(5:10) I never would have identified as that. (5:15) I always envied those kinds of people and I always wanted to be that. (5:19) But before meeting you, that was never really a reality.(5:26) It was this fantasy that I had, but it was never the truth. (5:31) And then if I'm really being honest, I gave up on so many goals and so many dreams in the past because I didn't feel actually capable of achieving them. (5:48) It just felt impossible.(5:53) It just felt impossible. (5:56) And so meeting you and us being on this mission and on this journey together and like building this really beautiful organization that we're building and everything that is required of me, I mean, oh man, it has challenged, girl, it has challenged everything in me, everything in me. (6:25) I mean, every, I didn't, I didn't realize that every part of my life was going to have to grow and evolve and change in order to be here.(6:39) And I don't think that's unique to us. (6:43) I don't think, I don't believe that that is unique to our mission. (6:46) Although I know I've had to grow way more than other people might have in, in alternate circumstances.(6:54) But suffice to say, when you set a goal, when you set a dream, when you, when you set your standards or when you set your eye on something, so many things in your life have to change in order for you to achieve that. (7:08) And I think people have no idea that that's the reality because social media and the world doesn't tell the truth about what it really takes. (7:20) 30 days to this, 90 days to that, quick fixes, buy this program and it'll teach you how, like, it's just, we've, we're all being sold lies.(7:34) Like you're being sold a lie. (7:37) And so when you're actually in it and it's not simple and it's not easy and every day you want to give up when you don't know the reality, when you don't know the truth, you are more likely to give up. (7:53) And that's why I did give up back in the day.(7:55) And it wasn't until meeting you and us doing this mission together and me learning the truth of what it actually was going to take to achieve my goals and dreams. (8:08) Only then did it actually become even relatively possible for me.

Emilia Smith

(8:15) Yeah.

Bianca Thomas

(8:15) And then what actually made it possible was, you know, a lot of factors that are unique to me, like my upbringing, how badly I wanted to be someone special, like, you know, just, just so many different factors that were unique to me that allowed me to be here. (8:34) But.

Emilia Smith

(8:35) Yeah.

Bianca Thomas

(8:38) Why do goals and dreams require so much? (8:50) Because like, Em, you've never struggled with this. (8:53) That's not true.(8:54) That is not true. (8:56) Hold on. (8:56) Hold on.(8:57) Let me reiterate. (8:58) Hold on. (8:59) Hold on.(9:00) Relax. (9:03) You haven't struggled to believe in yourself or believe that things were capable for you or possible for you in the way that others have. (9:11) And so for someone who doesn't have the level of self-belief that you do and who doesn't have the capabilities that you do and doesn't have just that, like.(9:22) Like you can't build this, I don't think, but like just that like relentlessness of like, I will bash my head through a brick wall if I have to to get to the end of this. (9:36) Most people do not have that. (9:38) That is really unique to you.(9:40) So like for people who don't have that, what have you seen? (9:50) What have your experiences been around people like that? (9:54) And like, why is it so hard?(9:56) And what are the things that you know that can be taught that we can try to help all of our listeners learn and identify? (10:05) Because like, you guys, I'm putting a massive disclaimer here. (10:09) I would not be here if it weren't for Amelia.(10:12) For Amelia and Alan. (10:13) I've been working with them one-on-one for years. (10:17) Like the only reason I am where I am today, number one, it's because of the effort that I've put in.(10:22) But number two, because I have them in my corner. (10:28) So like, thank you. (10:30) None of this would have been possible without you.(10:32) So like, WTF? (10:35) Like, why is it so hard? (10:37) What?

Emilia Smith

(10:38) Yeah. (10:39) Why? (10:41) I love it.(10:43) OK, so my intention in this episode is to not only deliver upon what Bianca is sharing, but also really, really deliver on the question. (10:54) Why is it so hard? (10:55) Like, first of all, my question is, why are we expecting it to be easy?(11:01) When anyone, anyone has a dream or anyone has a goal, why are you expecting it to be easy? (11:09) That is the lie that I believe that so many people have been sold into. (11:13) If you are trying to achieve anything, there's inherently, biologically going to be more required of you to achieve something that you have dreamt of or envisioned than someone who hasn't.(11:29) Why are we expecting that to be easy? (11:32) And that is the thing that I think honestly sets us up for failure from step number one. (11:38) We have been sold the lie that any meaningful trek, any meaningful dream of yours is going to be in any regard easy.(11:46) And trust me, I know from like the Wu spiritual place, like there is that that energy of what is for you comes to you. (11:55) Like I am a big believer in that as well. (11:57) So how do you combine this aspect of an aspiration or a goal or or anything that is not yet currently in existence?(12:06) How do you honor the fact that there's going to inherently be a rub between what is what is the now and what you want to build? (12:14) Keyword build. (12:15) Like it needs to be built.(12:17) And so the biggest thing that I see that is the skill that is learnable, just as learning the expectation it should be easy, is understanding number one, the expectation drop. (12:34) So when you have a dream, you think it should be easy. (12:37) Someone has unconsciously put that bar as like, it should be super easy.(12:44) But when reality hits you in the face, you go and try to do something, even just from an energetic standpoint to run, for example, just to run for 10 minutes. (12:56) That was a micro goal that I had the other night. (12:59) It's like, damn, getting this body muscle mass to move.(13:05) I literally like that's aerodynamic. (13:07) That's friction right there. (13:08) That's like biologically, I need more energy to move my body faster than a walk.(13:13) Right. (13:14) And so every dream has the same principle in it. (13:17) And so the expectations that drop, I think we need to understand why is the bar, quote unquote, so low.(13:25) And there's something that I kind of want to bring into this. (13:27) I saw recently for a second.

Bianca Thomas

(13:29) Do you actually think that it's because people don't think that it's going to be hard? (13:34) Because what I, I don't know if that's true. (13:39) I think people don't realize how hard it's actually going to be.(13:43) Like, I don't think people think it's going to necessarily be easy, although I do think a lot of people are being sold that lie. (13:51) I don't think like, I don't think people realize how hard it's going to be. (13:58) Like, why does it have to be so hard?(14:03) Like, I'm, I'm genuinely asking this, like, even even what you and I are doing, like, we don't take shortcuts. (14:09) We don't we don't do anything the easy way. (14:12) We do everything like the long, arduous way.(14:17) Like, why? (14:20) Why do we do it hard? (14:21) Why do we choose the hard way?(14:23) Why? (14:24) Like, if people want to actually achieve the right thing, why do they have to do it the hard way, especially when there's so many people who lie, cheat, steal and take shortcuts and they're flashing all the success and no one knows that? (14:39) So like, yeah, why does it have to be so hard?

Emilia Smith

(14:44) I do believe that the first there's two layers of hard. (14:47) So I think that people do. (14:48) They they don't necessarily inherently expect it to be hard.(14:52) And then the second layer. (14:53) So if they think it's easy, then they I do think that it's like, well, if it were easy, then I'd already do it. (15:00) Right.(15:00) So that thought process goes through. (15:01) So it's like, OK, so, yeah, it's hard. (15:03) But then there's a second wave of how hard to whatever your whatever your goal or dream is.(15:09) Right. (15:09) Like, and I think that that's a lack of awareness of the effort that is actually necessary in order to obtain said results. (15:19) So when you think about like engineering, for example, engineering is breaking down the things in its most simply simplest components in order to guarantee mathematically the results that you need.(15:29) Right. (15:29) You can apply that concept of engineering into any aspect. (15:33) And so when it comes to dreams, how do you know what is the most molecular effort that you put in?(15:40) And how do you know that that one effort is going to obtain your dreams and your goals over time? (15:46) We don't know what that is because we don't have any frame of reference or reference point to. (15:52) Right.(15:52) So if you've never lost 10 pounds or if you've never lost a pound, you don't know what to wash, rinse, repeat. (16:00) In other words, what are the inputs that are required that are going to inherently bring that resistance of what you expect into the equation? (16:07) So when it does get hard, what do you do?(16:10) And when it is difficult, what do you do? (16:12) And I think that that relentlessness that you mentioned again, I do think that is a learned skill, but not if you don't have a belief in yourself to be able to learn and grow. (16:21) I think if you inherently have this belief about yourself that you're incapable, that you're a weak human being, like all of these self learned as a result of what you've gone through identities, I think that you're going to stop yourself at the gate before you even get to that second wave of how hard.(16:38) And when you do experience that, how hard it's only going to feed the evidence around your belief about you are not capable, you are not good enough, you are not worthy of love, you are not X, Y, Z, you're not deserving. (16:49) And I think that that that aspect, when you have in the face of evidence of of working towards your dreams, and you haven't worked first primarily on the belief of yourself. (17:00) And we've talked about this, the belief that I hold about myself is the concept Sisu.(17:05) And that's a belief that I will never give up on myself. (17:09) That's a belief about myself. (17:11) I will never give up on myself.(17:12) And Bianca, you laugh, but I'm laughing because of the movie.

Bianca Thomas

(17:16) I'm not laughing because of you.

Emilia Smith

(17:18) Okay.

Bianca Thomas

(17:19) If you guys have never seen the movie Sisu. (17:21) Oh, my God. (17:24) I saw it for the first time the other day, because Amelia has been referencing this movie and has been referencing this, this phrase for a while.(17:34) Oh, my God, talk about relentless, like, seeing that movie gave me a much different perspective of you, Amelia. (17:44) And like, I was super vulnerable with you. (17:46) I was like, that's not me.(17:49) Like, I would have just died. (17:52) I would have just died. (17:57) So like, how does someone like me develop that?(18:02) Because when you're when you have a dream, or you have a goal, and it feels impossible, like, not impossible, like, huh, impossible, like, let me go figure out how to do it. (18:13) It's like, no, no, no, this is just not gonna work. (18:15) This is not gonna happen.(18:17) And then you also don't believe in yourself. (18:20) Like, the stress management skills, the emotion regulation skills, the ability to, like, zoom in and zoom out and future pace and do all of these things. (18:33) First of all, you have no idea that that's even a thing.(18:36) Second of all, you don't believe it's possible for you at all. (18:40) So you're not going to do it. (18:42) Like, it's not going to be worth the effort in.(18:45) So how does somebody like me, and somebody like probably our listeners who are more on my end of this, like, how do you actually do that so that you're not giving up on your dreams? (18:59) Because more people give up on their dreams than those who actually achieve them. (19:03) But it's it's survivorship bias.(19:06) We only see the small percentage of those who do. (19:10) And to be honest, most of them lied, cheated and stole their way into it. (19:15) So like, if you want to do it for real, how?

Emilia Smith

(19:20) Yeah, one of the most basic things and you and I are working on this actively right now is like, why would you die? (19:27) Because what wasn't in your programming, everything can be learned. (19:32) I'm a deep believer in that.(19:34) I would die as a learned belief about yourself and your own capabilities, rooted in an upbringing of fear.

Bianca Thomas

(19:41) Yeah, but what if it's true?

Emilia Smith

(19:43) And if it is true, then I would say that there are parts of you that are making sure that that remains true. (19:52) And all the evidence that could contradict that truth. (19:57) Therefore, that's going to continue to be your core so long as you uphold and feed that belief.(20:04) And that I think that that's a way to make sure that you don't get outside your comfort zone by protective parts. (20:13) And so we're not going to go deep into that, but I'm going to give three things on how. (20:17) Number one, you develop a it doesn't have to be my version of relentless, your version of relentless.(20:23) You have to develop a belief about yourself and your capabilities that no matter what you do, you're not giving up on you. (20:34) And I think that that number one belief that I am, I'm deserving of my dreams to the extent that I am willing to put an effort and I'm not willing to give up on myself. (20:45) I think that that big belief about yourself needs to be there in order for you to even have the progress moving forward.(20:53) The second thing that I would say for anyone that is struggling to actually chase after their goals, obviously, the approach is going to look a little different. (21:02) And we got to mindful of time because I know we have an IG live to wrap up and jump into. (21:07) But I wrote down here because I've been thinking on this episode a lot.(21:10) Number two, I think that if we're not actively building that belief about ourselves and that promise, that devotion, that that abominable will to never give up on ourselves, we are going to allow ourselves inherently to get number two sucked in. (21:26) So my question is, how often, how much, how frequent and how deeply are you getting sucked into all the BS that doesn't have to do with your dreams? (21:34) What I find with individuals who have dreams that have stayed a dream, not ever become their reality is that they never focused on number one.(21:43) And then number two, they allow that time, energy, focus and pursuit to go into all the BS that they got sucked into spending too much time in places that didn't have to do with their dreams and their goals, spending time focused on people and entertainment and BS stuff that doesn't have to do with their dreams. (22:00) And so don't get sucked in. (22:03) Okay, cool.(22:04) How you do that is going to be unique to your nervous system. (22:07) Okay. (22:07) That's where one-on-one work is so profound for you.(22:10) Number three, support, not what you do in order to get to your dreams, but who you surround yourself with. (22:18) Bianca, you are here because of who you surround yourself with. (22:22) That was number two, outside of the effort that you've put in.(22:25) That will continuously be the go-to playbook for anyone that is so sick of giving up on their dreams. (22:33) Giving up is a choice. (22:35) And no matter how much you tell yourself, whatever the story is that you're telling yourself that that's acceptable, that will never be remotely acceptable in my corner, like never.(22:45) And so get around someone who actually believes in you. (22:49) It's just not. (22:50) Get around someone, support, support who believes in you and not the fake BS belief that's like, oh yeah, so excited, celebrating your accomplishments.(22:58) No, they're celebrating your effort in when it's really hard, when there's grit, when you're crying, when you're bruised, bloody, scratched up, everything, because you refuse to give up on you. (23:09) And that combination of your version of Sisu, of not getting sucked into the wrong things, people, places, ideas, et cetera, et cetera, where your energy goes, your focus is, right? (23:23) Don't focus on the wrong things.(23:24) And then number three, making sure that you have the right who, the right people, the right support that believes in you and will not tolerate your level of self-imposed failure. (23:41) That's how.

Bianca Thomas

(23:46) And that's where I'm going to close. (23:48) Well said. (23:52) Achieving your goals and dreams is going to feel impossible.(23:58) It just is. (23:58) You're challenging yourself to do something that you've never done before, and inherently it is going to be hard because you've never done it before. (24:10) If you're not doing those three steps, it probably will be impossible.(24:17) Now, there is a caveat. (24:18) Some things just are not going to be possible for you. (24:22) I use this example all the time.(24:25) I'm never going to be in the WNBA. (24:28) I'm 5'2 on a good day. (24:30) I haven't practiced this.(24:32) I was never surrounded by it. (24:35) At this point in time, it's not possible for me unless they change the rules or whatever. (24:43) But even then, I don't want that.(24:46) So you have to understand, is the game I'm playing a winnable game? (24:56) There are certain games you should and should not play. (25:07) There are certain ideas or values that you have, and I did a YouTube video on this, that aren't even based on your own desires, wishes, expectations, so on and so forth.(25:19) It's based on what other people have told you. (25:22) So you have to understand, what's the game I'm trying to play? (25:26) Did I actually choose it?(25:29) And then if I did actually choose it, and if I know within all of my being that this is right for me, then do you actually have the appropriate resources and resourcefulness to make sure that you can actually achieve it? (25:46) Most of us don't achieve our dreams because we're not setting up the conditions to ensure their eventuality. (25:55) And then we're not developing the beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world to expand on that, grow that, and then actually make it real.(26:08) And again, I can only say all of this because of who I've surrounded myself with, and the amount of effort that I've put in to make sure that I'm the kind of person who gets to be here. (26:22) So the effort in, and who you are, and who you surround yourself with matters so much. (26:31) Most people are trying to achieve dreams surrounding themselves with people who are adamantly and actively sabotaging them.(26:39) You're never going to achieve it.

Emilia Smith

(26:42) I'm with you. (26:46) And you know that there's three words, never, can't, and impossibility. (26:51) They're the language often.(26:54) Those people will unconsciously hold you down from your dreams. (26:57) Okay, we got to wrap. (26:59) We got to go.(26:59) This was an amazing episode. (27:00) Great questions, Bianca. (27:01) I really appreciate your vulnerability.(27:03) And I really do hope that anyone listening to this episode, they get fired up and they recommit to themselves and devote themselves to a new path of never giving up on themselves. (27:18) One decision that you can make that will save future youth so much suffering is that one. (27:24) So number 484, Bianca grabbed this episode and I am going to also recommend it.(27:32) If you like this episode, you can jump to this one. (27:35) 484, avoiding the truth doesn't make it not real. (27:40) Slightly confusing title as I read that back.(27:42) But anyways, as always, thank you everyone that's joined us today and who continues to join Evolve in this track. (27:49) It is meaningful and we do this work with you, for you, by you. (27:53) And so thank you as always for your interest in the holistic mental health science.(27:58) We love what we do. (28:00) We love speaking into your lives and we're so grateful that you're joining us on this quest. (28:04) So that being said, keep evolving everyone.(28:12) We know firsthand how important it is to have a safe space with people who support and celebrate your evolution. (28:19) That's why we created our free live virtual event called Out of the Mud that we host the last Wednesday of every single month, 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, so that while you venture into new territories of your growth, you can get in a room with others who are too. (28:36) Extraordinary topics with evolved people.(28:39) That's what this event is all about. (28:41) What's great too is that you don't even need to have your camera or mic on. (28:45) You can just listen in.(28:46) Click the link in the show notes to register for the next topic to kickstart your growth.

Bianca Thomas

(28:51) Be on the lookout for our IG Lives that we host every Friday at 12.30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (28:58) This is a place where you can connect with us live and in a fun, lighthearted way. (29:03) We are also in the process of rolling out group coaching and online courses and these are sure to help you evolve into a greater version of yourself.

Emilia Smith

(29:13) If this episode resonated with you or you heard something you know will help you evolve, please share it with someone you love and care about, team members across the world, or someone who you believe deeply could benefit from joining this discussion.

Bianca Thomas

(29:27) This content is intended for information purposes only. (29:30) It is not a substitute for professional counseling or psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment, and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. (29:42) Names and identifiable personal details mentioned in respective podcast episodes and stories may have been changed to protect personal privacy and identity.