#494 | How to Set Goals in Therapy

Healing starts with smaller truths. In this episode, we get real about why therapy can feel like it is not working when the goal is too big, too vague, or disconnected from what is really hurting underneath. We talk about the gap between wanting change and knowing how to create it, why so many people lose trust in the process, and what it actually takes to build progress that feels safe, steady, and real.

This is for anyone who feels stuck, discouraged, or tired of circling the same patterns and calling it effort. If you have been craving a more honest path forward in therapy, growth, and self-belief, this episode will give you something deeper to hold onto. Press play before your survival patterns try to rebrand themselves as a personality.

Digital Asset:
Evolve Framework for Setting Goals

Here are related episodes that build on today’s conversation:
#479 | Everything You Need for REAL Self-Belief - https://apple.co/3MfWPFO
#480 | Everything You Need for REAL Self-Belief (Part 2) - https://apple.co/40qgM00

Learn more about:
🤝 Out of the Mud (OOTM) - "Why You Keep Second-Guessing Yourself" - https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/IykObX8eR7ixJaQ-qqZogw#/registration

📽️ Insightful films. Meaningful growth. Join our Evolve Movie Club - https://forms.gle/bBZUbFEeD2ijypCT7

🌱 The #YouDoYou Therapy Program gives you support when and how you need it. No pressure. Just real help. Start your free 7-day trial today - https://buy.stripe.com/fZe8Avdfx8bW9gcfZc

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Show notes:
(2:02) Why therapy goals often fail
(7:04) Most people never write goals
(13:20) Find the pain under goals
(17:12) Eddie shares his uplifting and empowering experience with the Evolve Ventures Society.
(17:47) Name barriers before they hit
(20:46) Choose your hard with care
(30:19) Break goals into daily steps
(35:26) Outro

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(Stay tuned for this coming Monday’s episode!)

Transcript

Bianca Thomas

(0:00) Most people don't achieve their goals and their dreams, not because they're not capable, but because they don't know how.

Emilia Smith

(0:11) On top of that, most people don't actually make the progress that they want to, or they think they want to, in therapy for a multitude of reasons. (0:21) Let's get into why.

Bianca Thomas

(0:23) Most of us are looking for hope, answers to the madness, certainty that we'll be okay, and someone safe to help guide us through the most challenging parts of our lives. (0:34) In a world that's changing and evolving every single day, where chaos, uncertainty, and cycles we never chose wreak havoc on our lives, it's easy to feel lost, hopeless, and scared of what the future will hold.

Emilia Smith

(0:50) Evolve Ventures is here to provide that hope, direction, and data-driven strategies to growth-minded human beings just like you, every Monday and Thursdays, where each new episode is filled with vulnerable stories, interesting lessons, and simple tools you can use that will help you evolve into the person you were always meant to be.

Bianca Thomas

(1:11) My name's Amelia. (1:12) And I'm Bianca.

Emilia Smith

(1:14) And as the co-founders of Evolve Ventures, we are so grateful to be a part of your evolution. (1:19) Let's get into it.

Bianca Thomas

(1:20) Hey, everybody. (1:21) It's Bianca.

Emilia Smith

(1:23) Welcome back, Evolvers. (1:24) It's Amelia. (1:25) Welcome back to these podcasts where we get into all things mental health.(1:33) For episode number 494, how to set goals in therapy, Bianca and I, as people who are in the field, boots on the ground, day-to-day, we want to have this episode do the justice that we see is not being served. (1:53) Because more and more often, we are having people, individuals, clients come to Evolve. (2:02) And for lack of better words, some of the sentiments that we're hearing is they've been to a past XYZ was hoped for, ABC wasn't made progress in.(2:21) And as a result, they felt more hopeless than ever. (2:26) They've felt helpless in their goals or in the pain points that they were struggling with, which brought them to therapy in the first place, and now have some degree of negative experiences. (2:38) And they're bringing that with them into the therapy session to such cases where are already instilling self-doubt and are in a standpoint where when they're with their practitioner to really start new and start over, they're like, I doubt that this is even going to work.(2:58) I doubt that there's any progress that can be made here. (3:00) And the doubt is well-encompassing of any goal setting that we at Evolve tend to hold. (3:08) So Bianca, I know you have sentiments, a plethora of them that you could put forward.(3:14) What do you think, based on that average track that we've seen, what do you think has been the after they've stuck with it, the biggest thing that we have heard clients who have had that level of doubt or those experiences say after actually going through doing the goal setting that we do at Evolve and then making progress? (3:41) What do you hear the most? (3:43) Because I hear the most, thank you so much for telling the part of me that wanted to stop, that wanted to never do this again, that wanted to give up, to not give up on myself.(3:57) Because had I listened to myself and had you just kind of let me do my own thing, for lack of better words, I would have never had the progress that I've seen here at Evolve.

Bianca Thomas

(4:09) Yeah. (4:11) One thing I want to say before I go into that, this isn't always a therapist issue. (4:18) So there's a lot of times where it is a therapist issue, where the therapist is having a hard time because they just weren't trained in that type of therapy to be able to work with the person to set and achieve goals.(4:33) That is a reality. (4:35) A lot of the times the other reality is the client doesn't feel as though it's possible, so they end up self-sabotaging any chances that there are for growth goals and whatnot to happen. (4:52) We're actually going to be doing an episode on that next.(4:57) So 495 is going to be that, so make sure that you listen to that one once it comes out, because we're going to dive into why people actually give up on their goals, on their dreams, and why most people will never actually achieve them. (5:11) But for this episode, it's how do you actually go about setting them to make sure that you can achieve them? (5:20) For the clients that I've had that they did actually stick through and they did continue it and they got to that end point, number one, it was, thank you to your sentiment.(5:35) And then number two, it was, holy shit, I never thought that that was actually possible for me. (5:40) I never thought that that was actually going to happen. (5:45) That doesn't inherently mean that that is now a belief that that sticks, because I actually have a client that I'm working with right now.(5:54) I've helped him achieve a lot of goals, but then a protector came up and he was like, okay, therapy's not working anymore. (6:04) Screw this. (6:05) And he almost quit.(6:06) And I was like, whoa, hold on, hold on. (6:07) What just happened? (6:09) And we kind of dug through it and it actually came out that he's afraid of the goals that we were going to go toward and he wanted to pull away a little bit.(6:20) So that's also a thing that happens. (6:22) So we just need to be mindful of that.

Emilia Smith

(6:23) So that's such a great weave in, Bianca, not to cut you off, but just how when it comes to goal setting in general, let's be real. (6:31) It's not just like you said, it's not just in the therapy setting. (6:34) I think that I want to widen the aperture just for a sec here, which is recognizing the prevalence of goal setting to the comment that you mentioned on the therapist end, the prevalence of setting goals is actually far more alarming than I think we all really conceptualize and understand at a core level.(6:56) And I want to give some stats here to really open up the aperture a little bit to this end and then connect it to why what you just said is so powerful. (7:05) So roughly 83% of people never set goals. (7:11) 14% have a plan, but do not write it down.(7:16) And only 3% have written goals, right? (7:19) That's kind of the global prevalence of goal setting. (7:23) Now, if we look at that, right?(7:24) Okay. (7:25) The 3% that have written goals, how many of those are therapists? (7:31) Now, I'm not outing therapists or any clinician on any front (7:35) here, but what I am saying in terms of the prevalence of the statistics of the 83% of (7:41) people who do not set goals, and then on top of that, the 14% who do, the training around goal (7:48) setting in general is so much lower and therefore the skill level of being able to set and achieve (7:55) realistic goals, that skill level is wildly underdeveloped in a populace in general. (8:01) So why I say this, Bianca, is because when you do go and set a goal and set a goal with someone who has maybe not the best training on that, especially in a therapy setting, which a lot of those goals tend to be in what we call the intangible world. (8:19) When you go and do that, it's usually way too big and that activates to what your client has experienced, a protector that says, I know I'm going to fail at this, so let me just opt out or let me move away or let me fawn, right?(8:31) Which then just creates an unsafe therapeutic environment for clients. (8:38) And what clinicians often don't do is what, Bianca, you did the opposite of. (8:41) You instead recognize that leaning out pattern as a, oh my goodness, there's a lack of safety here.(8:49) The goal that we initially set was likely too big and too unrealistic for this client's current level of belief systems. (8:57) And most clinicians would not ever take a recognition to that because of how little we know about goal setting. (9:06) And more importantly, and most importantly, in my opinion, how little we actually implement that which we do know in our own lives about goal setting.

Bianca Thomas

(9:14) Me as the therapist, I also was concerned. (9:17) I was concerned about my ability to be able to help him. (9:24) And so I checked in with you.(9:26) I was like, hey, here's some thoughts that I'm having. (9:29) Here's what I'm concerned about. (9:31) Here's how I think I'm not showing up maybe the best or how I can do better.(9:37) You and I pitched and catched on it a little bit. (9:39) You gave me some insight and I redirected and I went back to him and I was like, OK, here's the plan. (9:45) Here's what we're going to do.(9:46) Here's how I think would be most effective. (9:49) How did this all sound? (9:50) And he was like, thank you so much.(9:55) I think I needed way more of that. (9:58) I think I needed way more guidance and direction from you, but I didn't know how to ask for it. (10:07) And I was like, cool, because I don't giving it.(10:11) I don't want to like push your throat. (10:16) Yeah, seriously. (10:18) Yeah.(10:19) I don't want to force anyone into anything. (10:22) So he and I were kind of in this rumble a little bit, but it ended up leading to something beautiful. (10:29) So this isn't we just want to make this clear.(10:34) This isn't just for therapy. (10:36) I think this is good for anybody who's looking to set goals. (10:40) So whether or not you're in therapy, these tools and these suggestions are going to apply no matter what.(10:49) So even this client, when he came in, he was like. (10:54) I want to learn how to be in relationships. (10:57) I'm like, great, cool, cool, great.(11:00) He's like, I struggle in relationships. (11:02) I have a really hard time. (11:04) I know I'm avoidantly attached.(11:06) I know that like I don't want anyone coming near me. (11:10) And he was like, OK, now fix it. (11:12) And I'm like, whoa, OK, way too big of a goal.(11:16) That's not even a real goal.

Emilia Smith

(11:18) No.

Bianca Thomas

(11:19) Most people come into therapy or they just set this idea of this goal or this idea that they have. (11:25) And more often than not, it's based on pain. (11:30) It's based on shame.(11:32) It's based on poor experiences. (11:34) Like how many how many client you actually might have had clients come to you like this? (11:38) But I sure as hell have not.(11:40) They're like, you know, life is really great. (11:44) Things are going so well. (11:47) And, you know, I think I'm in I think I'm in a place where like I want to improve on those skills.(11:52) Like I want to see what I can learn and how I can flourish and how I can get better. (11:57) Yeah. (11:57) No, no.(11:59) I've never once had a client come to me with that experience because that's not most people's experience. (12:05) Most people's experience is, oh, my God, my life is a wreck and I feel terrible about myself and I don't feel confident, capable, happy, whatever. (12:15) Oh, my God, I can't keep denying to myself that this is happening anymore.(12:20) Oh, shit. (12:20) Maybe I should go to therapy. (12:23) So then they come in and they're like, my life sucks.(12:26) Everything is terrible. (12:27) Fix it. (12:28) And it's like, I want to be happy.(12:30) I want to be fit. (12:31) I want to be healthy. (12:32) I want more money.(12:33) Those are like the four typical goals that we end up getting. (12:38) And it's like, OK, cool. (12:42) Good start.

Emilia Smith

(12:43) And how many years did it take you to accumulate that type of life is the first question.

Bianca Thomas

(12:50) Yes, seriously. (12:51) But the goals are too big and the goals are too big because they're deeply rooted in pain. (12:57) So, number one, I think in order to be able to set a good goal, you have to actually understand the pain that's underneath it and what you're actually looking for.(13:07) So 100 percent. (13:08) If if the goal is like I want to be fit. (13:12) OK, where is that coming from?(13:14) So this is all part of step number one. (13:16) And Amelia, please add to this with you. (13:18) But this is just step number one.(13:21) What's the goal you're saying you want? (13:23) I want to be fit. (13:24) OK, why?(13:26) What do you feel is actually missing in your life because you don't have this goal? (13:31) What pain have you experienced as a result of being where you are and not where you want to be? (13:37) What are you hoping is going to happen if you end up getting these goals, if you end up getting these accomplishments and these achievements?(13:46) So you do something called Socratic questioning, which is you ask a bunch of questions to get down to the root. (13:54) Once you do that, then you can actually set a better goal, which is measurable, achievable. (14:02) There's goals, there's deadlines, there's process goals and outcome goals.(14:07) Right. (14:07) So you're focusing on the inputs that you're doing, which is the actual work of like, all right, I'm going to go to the gym three times a week or the outcome, which is like I'm going to lose 20 pounds or whatever. (14:18) I know I'm speaking relatively high level now, but I know we're going to break it down.(14:23) So number one, bar none, understand what you want and why you actually want it, not the story you're telling yourself, but what is the real reason you want this goal in the first place?

Emilia Smith

(14:40) What I'm going to summarize that as in the evolve method is essentially we are connecting you deeper down to a more empowered identity. (14:54) So ask yourself this question, right? (14:57) Or the therapist in the situation or your friend, whomever is going to be in this situation where they ask you this.(15:04) They say, you know, if therapy, if coaching, if this program, et cetera, worked perfectly right in this ideal world that we tend to live in when we set goals, who would you become? (15:17) Which is essentially asking the questions that you just asked, Bianca, through Socratic questioning around what is the pain point that you have right now to where it's driving your vision of this future version of yourself that you deeply desire, deeply crave and deeply want. (15:36) We've examined some of the extrinsic and intrinsic motivators.(15:40) In other words, why you want to shoot for that and how that's connected to your pain, right? (15:47) And when you ask yourself that question, who would you become? (15:53) That's pointing to the identity level of when it comes to this goal, you want that.(15:59) But most importantly, who is the type of person, who is the person that you want to deeply become? (16:05) If you were to unlink from that pain, if you were to evolve the current identity that you have, that has, for lack of better words, created this riff in the first place, why it's not already who you are, right? (16:18) So that first question allows your brain to really open up to the motivators that drive this intrinsic and extrinsic, some of the core identities that you're going to be conflicted with as you progress through therapy, through coaching, through whatever you're doing.(16:37) But it also illuminates that version of you that is future oriented, that is this best version of yourself. (16:45) And studies do show that when you can connect to that future version of yourself, you are increasing the probability of you being able to feel it's possible for you and thus creating a little proximity from that limiting belief that you have getting into therapy in the first place. (17:02) And so who do you want to become is attacking the identity level.(17:06) So then step number two, Bianca, I have my thoughts. (17:10) What do you think is best?

Eddie Rivera

(17:13) Hey everybody, I just want to take a minute to talk about my experience with the Evolve Venture Society. (17:20) They're a wonderful group of people who allow you to communicate in an open and honest way, and they're very supportive and full of positive energy. (17:28) You can ask anyone for help.(17:30) You can talk to anyone and ask for questions, and they're very supportive. (17:33) And all they do is just help you to become the best version of yourself. (17:37) And if anything, all I want to do is just learn more from this amazing group of people.(17:42) And I think that they will help anybody who needs it. (17:45) And that's the best thing that anybody can ask for.

Bianca Thomas

(17:48) Identify the barriers. (17:53) What's going to get in the way? (17:55) Love it.(17:55) This is something that people don't want to admit. (17:58) It's like, no, I'm going to do it. (17:59) It's going to be amazing.(18:02) I want this. (18:04) I want this so badly. (18:06) I'm going to do everything it takes.(18:09) And then two weeks later, you fall off. (18:12) And again, this isn't to poke fun or cast blame. (18:17) This is to acknowledge the realities of what happens.(18:21) We set unrealistic goals, number one. (18:25) We don't identify what's going to get in the way. (18:33) Because we set an unrealistic goal, we don't actually have the skills, capabilities and awarenesses to be able to achieve and to implement the habits, systems and routines it's going to take to get there.(18:44) Then we crash and burn, feel terrible about ourselves. (18:47) And then the cycle repeats itself. (18:49) So number one, you have to set a realistic goal based on who you want to be and based on something that's actually measurable and achievable, that's realistic.(19:03) Number two, you have to understand what's going to get in the way, not so that you can call yourself out that you're this terrible person, but to acknowledge the realities that, you know what, I want to lose weight or I want to be in a better relationship. (19:19) But I know as soon as I get around my family, we do X, Y and Z. (19:25) Or when it's late at night and I'm feeling lonely and I know Hinge and Bumble and Tinder are right there, it's easy for me to just go into that and to run away from these feelings that I have.(19:39) So giving yourself the chance to identify the barriers will then give you permission to actually, in my eyes, step number three, make a plan. (19:52) Make a plan to mitigate those barriers. (19:55) Make like contingency and coping plans to be able to help you when it inevitably gets hard.(20:03) Love it. (20:05) It's going to get hard. (20:07) We need to acknowledge that.(20:08) It's going to suck. (20:10) That's why people can't lose weight, because you're three weeks in and you start feeling hungry and it's like, oh my God, something's wrong. (20:16) Oh, it's brutal.(20:17) Something's not wrong. (20:19) It's what's supposed to happen. (20:20) But when we think that it's not supposed to be hard or we're not supposed to struggle or it should just be easy and I'm weak and incompetent and that's why it's not easy, we're going to fall off track.(20:34) It's hard for everybody. (20:35) It's hard for Amelia. (20:37) It's hard for me.(20:38) It's hard for everybody who sets goals. (20:41) The difference is, do you know that it's going to be hard and do you have plans in place to mitigate it?

Emilia Smith

(20:47) I love that. (20:48) I love that. (20:50) Choose your hard.(20:51) The hard that is known, you're much likely to be far more successful in your goal achievement and the progress that you really care about and deeply crave than it is the person who doesn't choose their hard. (21:07) In other words, who doesn't look at the barriers that are kind of going to inevitably come down the line inherently when you set a goal? (21:15) I told this to a client the other day.(21:16) We were setting goals and I said, immediately you feel that friction. (21:21) We were talking about like, so she wants to, one of her bigger goals was on the health end, but specifically eating healthier, specifically eating whole foods. (21:32) And we broke it down to the macro and micronutrients because she's recovering from an eating disorder.(21:38) Anyhow, the bigger long-term goal, the who she aspires to become (21:42) is a woman who is strong at her core, not just like her abdominal, but like strong at her core (21:48) and who is strong, who is an athlete who can, no matter what physically comes at her, challenges, (22:01) invitations with friends, she can do it because she can athletically perform because she's (22:06) nourished her body such that her body is strong and can handle, you know, a 5k, a Tough Mudder, (22:13) this and that.(22:14) And it was great to hear that. (22:16) But when we were talking about even just the grocery list, like what do you currently have on the grocery list and what needs to be there? (22:23) And we were kind of breaking down based on her current cycles and her hormones and everything.(22:28) And we were going through all the different foods and I was like, okay, now what does your body need in this winter phase as she was going into menstruation? (22:41) What, in other words, what are the nutrients that your body is losing through this phase of your cycle? (22:48) And she was like, she literally did that like, uh, no idea, which is, and then I asked the question, I said, do you feel that?(22:57) And she's like, yeah. (22:59) Like what? (23:01) That is called resistance.(23:03) That is that weird unknowing part that if you set a goal, immediately there's going to be that rub of resistance, that unknown, that kind of deer in the headlights experience. (23:15) Because when you set a goal, you have no idea initially what the roadblocks are going to come. (23:21) In this case, what nutrients you need in order to get that goal, in order to be that person, in order to become that version of yourself that you currently aren't now.(23:32) And if you're not willing to move through that discomfort, that unknown, that fear, quote unquote, and you're not expecting it and you don't have a plan, you will likely go back to old patterning. (23:46) Hence the progress that you want to make is not going to be accessible. (23:49) So I'm with you on step number two, which is be mindful of the barriers.(23:55) And that's why it's so helpful to have someone who has walked the path, cleared (23:59) the path, knows the path of possibility for you, and really helps you understand and identify what (24:05) are some of those barriers that will not just statistically be likely in your path as you try (24:10) to achieve this goal, but based on what you uniquely have gone through and what you have shared in a (24:17) setting with a guide, they can now point out these are likely going to become in your path (24:25) because of you.(24:26) Not because of the goal, just because of your patterns and tendencies. (24:30) And that's not bad or wrong. (24:31) It's just something that we need to know because as you identify these barriers, the way in which I would put it is there's a way in which your body's going to feel when meeting these barriers and what can we emotionally anchor to in order to recognize that we're in that gap where we're meeting our barrier.(24:52) And how or what would your body or emotions, what would you experience if you were to meet that, knowing that's there, and then walk through that or move through that, knowing and embracing that quote unquote suck that is inherently sometimes walking the path of your goals.

Bianca Thomas

(25:12) Can I add a caveat to that? (25:14) Yeah, please. (25:15) A therapist or a coach might not know the exact barriers that are going to come in the way because they might not have aimed for that specific goal.(25:27) I've never run a marathon, so I personally do not know what barriers might come in the way if I have a client who is trying to run a marathon. (25:38) Or like another example, I have a client who is, she's shooting for a job that's way higher than her current position in a field that I know nothing about. (25:51) So me as the therapist, I can't tell her, oh, here's what might come up and here's what might come up and here's this.(26:00) But what a good therapist does, they're going to challenge you to figure out resources you can find on your own to be able to identify it. (26:11) And tapping into true self and being like, okay, you know you. (26:16) What do you know might come up for you?(26:19) What experiences have you had in the past that might be similar to this that you might be able to reflect on and be like, ooh, you know what? (26:27) Last time I tried to do something hard, this came up and this came up and this came up. (26:34) So maybe those might come up again, so let's utilize that in the plan.(26:40) This is a challenge that me as a therapist, I've had to work through and I'm still working through. (26:46) A good therapist and a good guide doesn't have all the answers. (26:51) They're never going to, but they know how to help you find the answers for yourself.(26:57) So you might have someone who is very intelligent and knows a multitude of different things. (27:05) Like I'm very blessed that I have Amelia to work with because she knows way more than I ever will. (27:13) And it's amazing.(27:13) And she has experienced so much more than I ever will. (27:18) So she can give me personal feedback and it's wonderful. (27:21) But the grand majority of the rest of us or the rest of you aren't going to have a therapist or a coach or a guide who directly has been in those shoes.(27:34) And honestly, I don't even necessarily think it's beneficial that they did. (27:39) I think in some circumstances it is. (27:41) I do think in others, it's probably good that they don't because they're not just going to tell you.(27:47) They're going to give the tools and equip you with the tools to figure it out yourself. (27:53) And that is phenomenal therapy, not giving you the answers, but teaching you how to come up with the answers for yourself, which Amelia has also done for me. (28:05) And it's been amazing.(28:06) And I'm insanely grateful. (28:08) So thank you.

Eddie Rivera

(28:09) Yes.

Bianca Thomas

(28:09) To what you said. (28:11) And also this other additional caveat that like, they're probably not going to know, but that's OK. (28:17) You'll figure it out together or on your own.

Emilia Smith

(28:22) That's so true. (28:23) Yeah. (28:23) And and at the end of the day, I'm glad that you said that because I so I'm a polymath, which essentially means that I study a ton of things all the time.(28:34) And I just get. (28:35) Yeah. (28:35) So so to that end, I'm glad that you said that because sometimes I forget that not everyone does study a lot of things in their free time.(28:43) So to that end, I am right there with you. (28:47) Anyone that's in that seat who has earned that right to speak into your life or to help equip you with those tools are going to teach you not just how to fish in this analogy, right? (28:59) They're going to teach you how to teach yourself how to fish.(29:02) And I know that sounds like metacog, but when we're talking about in a therapeutic setting that this is where my favorite kind of combination of people are like coaching or therapy, it's like coaching that has elements of therapeutic components to it. (29:18) But don't get me wrong. (29:19) I am a coach at heart.(29:20) Like I want to see you progress. (29:22) And how we do that is going to make sure that there's a safe space. (29:26) But coaching and therapy right right here.(29:28) Here's some of the rub where hand in hand, they go hand in hand because teaching someone how to fish, right? (29:35) You feed them for a day, but teach them how to teach themselves how to fish. (29:38) You feed them for life.(29:39) This is the classic saying around skill building. (29:44) And skill building is inevitably important when it comes to progress, making progress, understanding what progress looks and feels like, which by the way is extremely challenging when we just want it to be snap over, done with. (30:00) And then making sure that that goal is not just achieved, but it is something that then continues to help you achieve areas that at one point you never thought was possible.(30:09) The implementation of this, the last thing that I'm going to say here to your third step, we distill things down to wrap this whole episode in a bow. (30:18) If it's too big, it's going to overwhelm the nervous system. (30:21) Quite literally, it will send individuals into a fight or flight.(30:25) You'll freeze up, your dorsal collapse. (30:27) Everyone has a response to goal setting because essentially what that does is it sends you into or out of your zone or window of tolerance, what your nervous system can handle. (30:39) And so to wrap this episode kind of in closing, the best way to set goals in therapy will inherently include some degree of when you start to set that goal, breaking it down into its most finite atomic levels that begets a micro practice on the day to day.(30:59) If it cannot be done on the day to day, it is not something that is going to enable you to be persistent, consistent, and therefore sustainable in your pursuit because whatever goal is set, it does need to translate into a consistent routine or practice of sorts. (31:19) That is just mathematically the case. (31:22) And it really doesn't matter whether you're chasing something internally, like, for example, feeling less of a shoulder tenseness before going to family gatherings or getting too overwhelmed to where I can't pick up the phone when my mother-in-law calls or something more extrinsic, achieving the career position or promotion that I want to, right?(31:47) Regardless of the intrinsic or extrinsic nature, there is a mathematical necessity for these habits or for a micro version of that goal to be implemented or to have movement on your day to day. (32:00) So this is where commitment devices come in. (32:03) We're not going to get into this in this episode, so I'm going to round it out here with my encouragement to everyone.(32:10) If you have not set a goal and you are in therapy, don't freak out. (32:16) Don't panic. (32:17) I encourage and invite you to bring this episode to the table when it comes to you advocating for yourself, the sentiments that you learned in here, and if nothing else, go through step number one, number two, and number three and rate yourself.(32:35) If you do have goals, like how well you're doing on that, because I find most of us, if we are setting those goals, right, and that's the three percent, how well we're making progress to what I said in my opening here, that is something that we wildly underestimate. (32:54) And not only that, but we tend to not see when progress is made, and that can be very discouraging. (32:59) It's like stepping on the scale when you want to lose 10 pounds and not seeing it move at all.(33:04) But then all of a sudden, if you let that discourage you and you stop all of the efforts that you're doing upstream to help you lose that weight, that's going to pull you right off course. (33:16) So at the end of the day, where your focus goes, energy will flow. (33:23) Have it be towards goals because you are so much more capable than you currently realize.(33:28) We have seen that time and time again, humans are incredible and so much more capable than their current belief system allows them to. (33:36) So if you're struggling with this and you want help, please reach out. (33:39) We have helped so many people actually make achievable goals, realistic goals, ones that, like we said at the very beginning, have blown the lid off their belief system.(33:50) So we know that this is something that if you're clicking on this, you're likely struggling with. (33:57) And we're here to help. (33:57) Bianca, what's your closing sentiment and episode suggestion?

Bianca Thomas

(34:06) Goal setting can feel insanely intimidating when you're first getting into it because it's new. (34:14) It's uncharted territory. (34:16) There's a lot of pain and hurt and shame and humiliation and desire and all of these things wrapped up into it.(34:29) That's okay. (34:31) Let it be hard. (34:34) If you go into it with the understanding that this is going to be challenging, it makes it not as scary because when the challenge comes up, it's like, okay, I knew this was going to happen.(34:46) Number two, really try to do the best that you can to set yourself up with people who can help you to navigate through that effectively.

Emilia Smith

(34:58) Yeah. (35:00) You're not weak if you get help. (35:04) You're actually smarter than the rest of us who don't.(35:09) So to that end, our episode suggestions are both part one and part two of episode number 479, Everything You Need for Real Self-Belief, and episode number 480, Everything You Need Real Self-Belief, again, part two. (35:22) Two-part episode. (35:23) We're breaking it down and getting in the thicks of it.(35:28) As always, thank you all so much for tuning in, joining us on this journey, and most importantly, for your interest and continued interest, especially if you made it to the end, in the science of holistic mental health. (35:43) We are so excited for you. (35:45) Keep evolving.(35:46) Bye, everybody. (35:51) We know firsthand how important it is to have a safe space with people who support and celebrate your evolution. (35:58) That's why we created our free live virtual event called Out of the Mud that we host the last Wednesday of every single month, 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, so that while you venture into new territories of your growth, you can get in a room with others who are, too. (36:15) Extraordinary topics with evolved people. (36:17) That's what this is all about. (36:20) What's great, too, is that you don't even need to have your camera or mic on.(36:24) You can just listen in. (36:25) Click the link in the show notes to register for the next topic to kickstart your growth.

Bianca Thomas

(36:30) Be on the lookout for our IG Lives that we host every Friday at 12.30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. (36:37) This is a place where you can connect with us live and in a fun, light-hearted way. (36:42) We are also in the process of rolling out group coaching and online courses, and these are sure to help you evolve into a greater version of yourself.

Emilia Smith

(36:52) If this episode resonated with you or you heard something you know will help you evolve, please share it with someone you love and care about, team members across the world, or someone who you believe deeply could benefit from joining this discussion.

Bianca Thomas

(37:06) This content is intended for information purposes only. (37:09) It is not a substitute for professional counseling or psychotherapy, medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment, and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. (37:21) Names and identifiable personal details mentioned in respective podcast episodes and stories may have been changed to protect personal privacy and identity.